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He might even be calling his uncle right this minute, trying to pass the word along to Frank. Tell him that the boy he'd adopted, that he'd let take his name, was —
— was —
— wasqueer.
In his heart, Jakob knew there was nothing wrong with being gay, or queer, or whatever term people wanted to use for themselves. Isn't that what he'd always told Ethan?
"Yeah, sure. Now tell the world that," Ethan spat, kicking the pile of seaweed angrily as they'd walked down the stretch of beach back to Frank's ranch; the long shadows cast across his face by the setting sun doing nothing to hide his black eye. "Starting with my Pop, on down to the rest of 'em that think they should have some kind of say."
Jakob flinched as somewhere down the hall came a whoop, followed by the sound of someone playing video games in their room with the door open.
"HA! Got you now, you queer!"The unknown voice squawked at whatever unfortunate soul waited at the other end of their headset."Tell your mom I'll have to stop by tomorrow, 'cause today your gay little ass ismine!"
Jakob cringed, the words cutting through his too-tender spots like a hot knife.
Whether the tinny sound of simulated gunfire over cheap speakers was from Medal of Duty or Call of Honor was anybody's guess, though, and the last thing Jakob cared about right then.
But.
Frank had served in the Marines. He was always meeting up with his old buddies. Jakob had starkly vivid memories of all of them sitting around waiting at the VA, holding white styrofoam cups of astoundingly terrible coffee; each trying to outdo the other at telling the most outlandish stories.
No matter what Jakob did, no matter what Frankheard…He'd be sure to respect that, right? Could still be proud of Jakob, even — even if…
Checking that there was no one in the room to see him crawl out from under the table, Jakob stood up, quickly pulling his shirt on over his head.
There was that recruiting office just off the edge of campus, wasn't there? Jakob could go there, and then —
Chapter 28
"You swore we weren't throwing away our friendship that night, Jakob," Ethan said in a raw, broken rasp. "But youdid.You broke your promise."
Jakob sighed, pulling the blanket tighter around his shoulders. "I know."
"You know," Ethan mimicked in a passable imitation of Jakob's voice. "That all I get?"
"I — "
"Did you know you were my first crush?"
"Really?" Jakob swallowed hard. "You… you never said."
Ethan snorted. "Can you blame me? You remember how it was back then."
"Still… You could've told me, Ethan. Even if we'd never…" Jakob trailed off, the truth of it too raw to say.
"Always asked myself if I should've," Ethan sighed. "If it would have changed anything. I can't tell you how many years I wanted to. But — you were straight, or so I thought. Told myself to swallow it down. Ignore it. That what I had of you, had to be enough. That it wasn't worth losing you over, throwing our friendship away just to…"
Ethan trailed off, his jaw clenching.
For his part, Jakob kept his silence. What could he even say?
"Then — And then you…" Ethan hung his head, the muscles in his jaw flexing as if he was sounding out the shape of his words. "Thought I'd won the lottery that night, Jakob. That every single one of my dreams had somehow come true. It… That night? That night waseverything. But the next morning, I felt like… God, I felt like such a fool afterward once I realized you were gone. When you said we were 'building something new', I — I actually let myselfbelieve…"
Jakob sighed, and cursed himself — not for the first time — for his stupidity and… and just plain fuckingcowardiceall those years ago. For worrying so much about what didn't matter, that he'd run away from whatdid."It wasn't you — "
"Fuck right off with that, Jakob. You really gonna try and give me the 'It's not you, it's me' line?"
"No. I — "
