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"Been trying to tell myself it's in the past. That I've done the therapy and moved beyond it. That I should just be happy to see my old friend again, but… You used me, Jakob," Ethan spat. "Me. Got your rocks off and you left. Youleft. Left me wondering what I did wrong. If I'd hurt you, or…God," Ethan sighed. "How many scrapes we been through together, Jakob? And then not even a word of warning? A chance to let me make it right? To fix… whatever it was I’d broken. To apologize?"
"You didn't do anything to apologize for," Jakob tried to assure him, turning to face Ethan full on. "That night… That night was everything for me, too. It's me who fucked things up, Ethan. Not you."
"Nowyou tell me," Ethan huffed. "You ever think about how it felt in my shoes? When I finally worked up the nerve to call Frank and tell him I hadn't seen you for a week? That I was worried, but couldn’t — couldn't tell himwhy. Not without feeling like I was betraying you even more? To hear him tell me the next month he'd finally —finallygotten a phone call from you; off happy as a clam in some other fuckingstate?"
"No, I only meant…" Jakob sighed, not quite sure how best to explain. "I wasn't running fromyou, Ethan. I think — I think I was running from… from myself? From what I wanted. From what I was —am. I just didn't know it at the time. Didn'twantto know it. I do remember what it was like, all too well. Not that it's easy now, not by a long shot, but… I had this — this fear, right? That, what if… What if that was why my mom — What if that was why she left? Just dumped me on her last boyfriend, and then… never came back? Because somehow — Somehow sheknew?"
Jakob took a shaky breath, feeling those warm brown eyes on him without even having to look up.
"Frank… he raised me like I was his. Tracked her down so he could get her to sign the papers, letting him adopt me. Helped me when he… when he didn't have to. But… what if… I was afraid that if I was… That he might regret all of it. Take it all back. That I would lose him, too. And I — I couldn't deal with that. Deal with your disappointment; with his. I don't know why, but — But I take after my mother too much I guess, because off I ran too at the first sniff of trouble. And you… you didn't deserve that, Ethan. Not at all. I'm sorry. I'm so,sodamn sorry I did that to you."
Ethan was quiet for a long moment, his eyes watching Alex's mare trotting around the corral. "I thought… I'd always worried that…" he frowned down at his hands in his lap.
Jakob waited, and when Ethan spoke again, it was in a whisper so low Jakob had to strain to hear him.
"I was afraid I'd… That I had pressured you," Ethan explained in a wretched voice. "Pushed you into something… something you didn't want. Hurt you, maybe. Bad enough that… I thought — I thought you left because… because you hated it. That you hatedme."
"No," Jakob said, the breath he'd been holding escaping all in a rush on that one word, reaching out a hand to grasp a broad forearm. Needing to touch, to reassure his friend; needing to ground himself before this buzzing feeling in his chest burnt him all up.
"Never, Ethan. You've got to believe me," Jakob pleaded. "I didn't hate you or any of it at all. That was the whole problem. It — You were… You set the bar pretty damn high. It took me a long time to come to terms with myself. To accept myself. Did a lot of stuff I regret now, but — You? That night? That ain’t one of 'em, not by a long shot. Not once I got my head on straight — well… Once I figured myself out, I mean," Jakob said with a rueful chuckle.
He was rewarded with an amused snort from Ethan's direction.
"My only regret," Jakob continued, knowing he needed to make himself totally clear if he was going to have any chance of fixing this. Of building something new with Ethan on the ashes of the bridge he had so thoughtlessly burned all those years ago. "Myonlyregret — is taking off that morning. For dropping out of your life, instead of — of seeing what we… what we could've been together. Where we could be now.That'swhat I regret."
Because once he had finally stopped running; had finally,finallyaccepted — and even learned to celebrate — who he was? When he had finally gotten up the nerve to come out to Frank, to introduce him to Reed, to invite his adopted father to their wedding?
"Do you love him?" Frank had asked him later that night. Reed had long ago headed home at that point. Leaving both of them to settle into the pair of rocking chairs on the front porch, watch the occasional boat pass by on the bay side of the ranch. Just as they had done for years.
Frank's voice had been even and unreadable, not a hint of judgment or condemnation to be found. And yet —
Somehow, it had still been terrifying all the same.
"I do," Jakob had replied nervously; so certain at the time that he had found the man he would be spending the rest of his life with. Just as equally uncertain of how this man who had come to be father to him in all but blood would react to the news.
"Good," Frank had said so easily, a broad smile spreading across his face. "You deserve to be happy, Jakob. And if he makes you happy, I'd be proud to have two fine men as my sons."
As if it was as simple as that. As if it hadalwaysbeen as simple as that. As if… As if Jakob hadn't already thrown away the best —
Jakob hummed ruefully, blinking away the old memories. "I've made a lot of mistakes. Wasted so much time. I'm so damn sorry, Ethan. Can't tell you how much it twists me up to know I… that I went and screwed everything up so far past fixing. Missing out on — on the life we… That I could have had with you, if I hadn't been such afuckingcoward."
They fell into an uncomfortable silence then, to the sound of hoofbeats drumming loud in the pasture beyond.
"Wasn't much of a life to miss," Ethan said, breaking the silence finally with a shake of his head. "Won't lie to you, I was pretty much a zombie for months after. Thank God for Coach and classes and just… the routines, right? Eventually, I picked my shit back up and figured out how to live my life with a big you-shaped hole in it. Won a couple bowl games. Got drafted into the NFL. Won a few more. Never thought I'd even see a Super Bowl game live, much less have the ring sitting on a shelf in my office. Or… well, stuffed in a duffle in your living room for now, I guess. Should have been the time of my life, but… You should have been there, Jakob. Side by side, like we always planned."
"I should've," Jakob admitted. "Used to look up stories about you, check up on how you were doing. Frank kept me updated too, every time I called home."
"Yeah, well…" Ethan trailed off, causing Jakob to glance up just in time to catch the shadows swirling in his eyes. "I'm sure you saw the articles then. I… never could shake the feeling something was missing. Trusted the wrong people, made some bad business decisions; frittered it all away. Had to declare bankruptcy."
"Oh?" Jakob frowned, trying to remember. "Not certain I read anything about that."
Ethan's laugh was a bitter thing to hear, Jakob's gut twisting at the sound.
"You wouldn't have. Lawyers from Vegas, man," Ethan snorted. "Neverevertrust 'em. My own damn fault, but… Hindsight’s a bastard, ain’t he?"
"Ethan — " Jakob grimaced, concern flooding through him. "If it's worth anything at all to you, I amdeeplysorry I wasn't by your side through it all."
Ethan watched him quietly for a moment, before sighing, his big hand scrubbing harshly at his face.
