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My heart hammers in my chest, that familiar ache filling my lungs. It’s been a while since the last time she’s been lucid. Since that day Miguel stayed over at our place, which was weeks ago. And at this point, I didn’t even allow myself to wonder when she might be herself again. I accepted that she was gone.
I think this was the cruelest disease of them all.
Having your loved one close, but at the same time, not having them at all.
Some of that weight that’s been sitting on my chest falls away, making it easier to breathe. I slide on the seat next to her and lift the bag I’ve been holding. “I came to visit, and I’m bringing goodies. I’ve been working on some fall cupcakes. Wanna try?”
“You know it.” She puts away her knitting material and grabs the box, opening it. “These look delicious.”
“The biscuit is plain chocolate, but I did the cream with pumpkin spice and cinnamon.”
Mom takes a small bite and nods. “They taste really good. How are things at home?”
“Good. Chase is still going to PT, and even Matthew called the other day. He’s back in college now. I’m trying to convince him to get his ass home for Thanksgiving, but we’ll see if that happens.”
“Is Miguel coming for Thanksgiving?”
I blink, unsure of where she’s going with this. “Miguel?”
“Yes, Miguel.” She gives me a pointed look. “He was here…” Her brows pull together as she tries to place the moment and when it happened, but she couldn’t do that. “A while ago, no?”
I let out a nervous breath. I never knew how she would react. In most cases like this one, she’d start to lose herself if she was hyper-focused on things that she couldn’t remember. It was like her brain was pulling her back to the cocoon of information that she knew.
“Yeah, he was in Bluebonnet for Kate and Emmett’s wedding a few weeks ago, but he left,” I remind her gently. “He’s in Austin now, playing football for the Lonestars.”
Because you told him to go, that little nagging voice whispers.He wanted to stay.
But I couldn’t let him stay. I couldn’t let him give up his dream because of me. Eventually, he’d come to hate me. It was better this way. He could live his dreams without me and my problems getting in his way.
Mom shakes her head. “That boy, he always loved the game the most.”
See? Even Mom remembered it. If she could remember it despite her Alzheimer’s, it meant that I did the right thing.
Then why did I feel like I wanted to throw up every time he popped into my mind?
And it happened often.
Something would happen that I’d like to share with him, or I’d try making a new dessert, and I’d want him to try it out, but then reality would hit me.
He’s gone.
You made him walk away.
“He does,” I whisper absentmindedly.
“He loves you too, you know that, right?”
Don’t say what, Rebecca? That I’m falling in love with you all over again? That I’ve been in love with you for as long as I can remember? That I can’t imagine my life without you?
“I do, but sometimes love isn’t enough.”
“Love isalwaysenough. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy. Or that it doesn’t require any effort.” She gives me a pointed look. “On both your sides. And I’ve seen you two since you were children. You love that man, Rebecca. You’ve loved him your whole life. I don’t know what happened between you two, but I can see that you’re hurting. I would hate for you to wake up one day and realize you’ve wasted all this time, and for what?” She places her hand on my knee, giving it a soft squeeze. “Don’t waste the time you have with the person you love above all else on silly things, baby girl. I know what I’m telling you.”
The knot in my throat tightens, and my mouth goes dry.
She looks toward the fountain, her expression going distant. “The man I loved was taken away too soon from me, and there isn’t a day I don’t wish we could have had more time. There hasn’t been a day since he has gone that I wished I didn’t have one more minute with him, hell, one more second in which he holds me close.”
I lean my head on her shoulder. “I know, Mom.”
