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A sob tries to rip out of my lungs, but I cover my mouth with my hand to stop it from coming out.
I hate this.
I hate my mother’s illness. I hate the fact that we’re losing her slowly but surely. I hate feeling this weak and helpless. Because no matter what I do or say, it won’t change a thing. There are no trials. No medications. Not anything that could help us. Nothing that could stop the inevitable from happening. Soon, she would be gone, all the memories we had together would be erased, and I would have to sit there and watch it all unfold.
“I know, Becky.” Mrs. Santiago moves closer, wrapping her arms around my shoulders. “And I’m so sorry you have to deal with that, honey.”
“If I didn’t come when I did, the house would have burned to the ground.”
I still couldn’t believe she left the food in the oven while she was watching TV. She was fine this morning. A little tired, but she was my mom. I thought things would be okay, but then I came home because I realized I had forgotten some papers and found smoke coming from the house, and the oven was on fire.
How didn’t she notice something was off? How didn’t she smell the food burning, see the smoke?
But I knew how. She was lost in her own head, and when that happened, it was like she completely tuned out. There could be an earthquake outside, and the house could be falling apart or burning down, and she wouldn’t have noticed.
“I’d tell you it’ll get better, but we both know it would be a lie.”
“It’s just not fair.” I stomped my foot, feeling like a petulant child, but I couldn’t stop myself. “After losing my dad in the car accident, why do we have to lose her too?”
When would it be enough?
When would our family’s debt to the universe be paid off, and we’d be left to live our lives in peace?
“I don’t know, baby.” Mrs. Santiago places her chin on my shoulder, her hands giving me a reassuring grip. “But I know you’ll figure it out.”
A knot forms in my throat, making it hard to breathe.
“I don’t know if I can,” I croak out, shaking my head. “It’s all just too much.”
“Hey, now.” Mrs. Santiago turns around. “Youcando this. I know you can. You’re way stronger than you give yourself credit for, Rebecca.”
She was wrong, though. I was falling apart. The ground was collapsing under my feet, and there was nothing I could do to stop the destruction. Chase was away in the military doing Godknows what, God knows where. Matthew was a mess in school, and I could barely keep him in line as it was. Mom was getting worse, and I…
“How about this? How about you let me help you for a few days so you can go visit that boyfriend of yours and decompress a bit?”
“I can’t.” Even before she finishes, I’m shaking my head. “I can’t leave Mom and my brother alone. I can’t ask you…”
She slides her palms down my arms and takes my hands in hers. “You’re not asking. I’m offering. You’ve been here for months taking care of your family. You’re running yourself too thin. Don’t think I didn’t notice the bags under your eyes or how pale you’ve been lately.”
I open my mouth to protest, but Mrs. Santiago shoots me a death glare that has me biting the inside of my cheek. I knew that look all too well. My mother sent it my way one too many times. When she still knew who I was.
Besides, what should I say to her? I certainly couldn’t tell her the truth. While, yes, the bags under my eyes were partly due to everything that had been going on with my mom, there was another reason for my sleepless nights, and I had yet to decide what I’d do.
No, I couldn’t tell her that.
I didn’t want to worry her more than I already did.
“You can’t take care of others if you don’t take care of yourself, Becky. Go and take care of yourself, and let me help you out.”
“He’s on the other side of the country. What if something happens?”
I wanted to go and visit Miguel. God knows he asked me to come, but I only managed to do it once. It was months ago, a few weeks after the semester started. I drove there all night and got to spend one magical weekend with him. But sincethen, things have been tense. It was hard for us to talk because we were always busy. Between work, our classes, football, and my family, we were lucky if we managed to exchange a few texts.
I tried calling him a few times in the evening, but he was always with the guys, either in the gym or outside partying. Although he tried to move away so we could speak, it was pointless. I could hear the music, his friends calling him, and the girls. I tried to reason with myself that it was all a normal part of the college experience. He was there with his friends and teammates, but I couldn’t deny that the more time passed and the more we were pulled in different directions, the more my uncertainty grew, which didn’t help at all.
The time was never right. Besides, Miguel didn’t go to college nearby. No, an over twenty-hour drive separated the two of us. There was no way I could drive home in case something went wrong and Matthew or Mom needed me. I couldn’t do that to them.
“Well, then, I guess it’s a good thing I booked you a flight for today.”
