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He clenched his jaw, debating how to answer. He chose honesty. “Yes.”
She glanced back down at her book. “If Phineas is a friend, why you notshillet, um, let go of sadness? If he or you made a mistake, say sorry and sayshillettogether?”
I think she means forgive. The image is of a bound and shackled person set free.
Killian glanced up at her, the conviction in his heart clenching his chest painfully. Looking at Jax who was staring back at him with a raised brow, he sighed again, but crossed his arms. He wasn’t ready. “Forgive him.”
Raela nodded, looking pleased with herself, as if they were in agreement. But his heart ached. “My father will never forgive me. I think that’s why he hates me so much.”
She frowned, then reached for his hand. “Something happened in the past?”
Killian clenched his jaw, clicking his back teeth together, debating whether or not she would blame him. But her gaze displayed curious empathy, and he felt burdened. He glanced at Jax. “Jax would you show her as I speak?” The wolf had been there beside him through it all. When the wolf nodded, Killian cleared his throat.
“My mother’s death is my fault. When I was seven, I ran to a lake north of the castle and was playing in the water. A glint of light on the shore caught my eye, and I came back to find a jewel-covered dagger. Jax howled at me to stop, but he was too late, I had already grasped the handle.” He exhaled a huge breath. “My hand immediately started turning black, and a curse curled up my arm, heading toward my heart.”
Jax’s images overwhelmed Killian as they reflected the story in his mind. Jax throwing Killian across his furry back, the cursed arm held in Jax’s maw as he raced back to the castle. “A foreign magician was visiting from Walworth, and he tried to extract the curse. I saw something like ink or oil hovering between us as he tried to transfer it into a glass container. But for some reason, he lost control of it. It rushed back toward my chest, but my mother threw herself over me, and it struck her instead.” He could still see his mother’s face as horror and love intermingled. Jax showed her sad smile as she patted Killian’s cheek.
“She whispered, ‘I will always be with you.’ And then she … she died.” Killian could hardly push air, much less any additional words past the lump in his throat. He blinked back the stinging tears. Raela squeezed his hand, and he saw tears streaking down her face.
“My father blames me for her death. And …” Killian wiped his brow. “He’s not wrong. If I hadn’t gone to the lake, or if I had listened to Jax and not touched it.” He swallowed. “If I had pushed her out of the way, found a way to take back the curse. Then he wouldn’t have lost her.”
She placed two hands on either side of Killian’s face, her thumbs brushing his cheeks. “He is wrong, Killian. Father is wrong. You were little. She took care of you. She was guardian of you. Sheklatmam—”
Protected.
“She protected you. That is life and care … that is … waname.”
Love?Jax asked Raela.
She glanced at Jax, then back at Killian. Jax flooded their minds with mother birds feeding their babies, fathers hugging their children, grandmothers wrapping a scrapped knee, and two sisters embracing. Raela nodded and whispered as her eyes locked with his. “Love. She loves you.”
Killian’s skin burned hot under her touch, the tingles from her gaze piercing through to his soul. Grief bubbled fresh, but her words were a balm.
She continued, “I know only a little, but I think you need toshillet, to forgive you also. Be free again.” She drew herself toward him and wrapped her arms around his neck. His arms clenched around her waist. Her hair was soft on his face and scented like mint and sage. Like his mother had smelled. Maybe all wonderful women smelled this way. Her grip was fierce and unyielding. Restoring.
He took several deep breaths, releasing the agony with each exhale. Slowly she pulled back and sat beside him again, picking at the clovers. “Maybe I also need to listen,” she began.
“When I was little, I went walking beyond the borders my aunties made for me. Got lost in the river valley. Mother Bear and Aunties looked for me. In my fear, I used magic to send water and light into the sky, and Auntie Momo and Auntie Toru find me, but …” Killian watched her lip tremble. “When we walk home, Auntie Shou was not there. She is still lost because I walk too far.”
Killian grasped her hand and with the other drew her chin up with the edge of his finger. “Perhaps we both need to forgive ourselves.Shillet.”
She nodded. “When we are given shillet, we must give it to others also, Killian.”
Killian knew exactly what she was getting at. Perhaps she was right. He would think about forgiving Phineas, of course. Maybe his father. Maybe even himself.
“We all make mistakes. We keep … keep …” Her brow furrowed, and Killian clenched his fist to restrain himself from brushing the line with his thumb.
“Keep trying?” he asked.
“Keep living. Cannot be in the past. The flowers cannot grow backward. The rivers do not flow uphill. The water does not stay in place. So we also cannot. Life moves forward.”
His gaze drifted north toward the castle and his duty and his treaty and his father. How long had he been trying? How long had he been ignored? Her voice drew his attention back.
“Think long, Killian. The seasons are too short to stay stuck in the mud of spring.” The sun was now hot on their backs. “I need to go to my aunties now. Carry water, make morning food.”
“Breakfast.”
“Make breakfast.” She beamed at him, and in a moment, she grabbed his hand and squeezed it. “I am happy you are in our forest with me, Killian.”
