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He went on before my brain could process what the word implied. “However, if what you’re looking for is a more internal understanding of why you are drawn to the lifestyle, I’m not sure they would be the right people to talk to. Yes, eventually, but not yet.”
It was like I was standing on the edge of a cliff and had to decide whether to jump or head back to safety. How could I ask for people to talk to for my paper or admit it was turning into something else when I’d barely managed to acknowledge it to myself? But with a stranger…
“I…” Nothing else came out. I took a breath and tried again, pretending that I wasn’t glancing at the door to try to see how quickly I could escape. “I tried some of it.”
Well, evidently my brain decided what I was going to say all on its own. “How did it feel to you?”
In for a penny, in for a pound. Wasn’t that the way the expression went?
“Weird at first, but the more I thought about it, the more curious I became. And once I finally tried some of it… it wasn’t as weird as I thought it would be. Playing was relaxing.”
“When you give up control to someone else, it can be very freeing. There is nothing to worry about and no pressure on you other than to listen to your dominant or whoever is your handler—”
“Master,” I interrupted before I could even think about holding it in. “I have a master, not a handler.”
And it was out, no taking it back now. I probably should have said that I thought I had a master, but I didn't want him to know how up in the air and confusing it was.
He nodded like that made perfect sense. “When your master gives you instructions, it makes life very simple. He or she is taking on the responsibility of caring for you and making the decisions. It can be a very close bond.”
“But not always sexual?” I meant it to come out as a statement, but it sounded more like a question.
“Yes, that’s true. It’s a very intimate bond, as I’m sure you experienced.” Dr. Sheppard talked about it like he understood how it would have felt, like he wasn’t just reading through textbooks and quoting people. How did he know?
“Um, yes, but it was nice with Master. He made it different than when it was just me trying to figure it out.”
“Tell me about Master. How did you meet him?”
I wasn’t sure how to describe our relationship without telling him everything. “I’ve known him for a long time, and I wasn’t even sure if he liked me as a person. When he found out about the project, that started to change things. I guess it made us look at each other differently? I don’t know. He volunteered to help me, and it felt good, relaxing. But also… more confusing than I’d thought it would be.”
I hoped I was vague enough that the doctor wouldn’t guess who Master also was. When Dr. Sheppard listened and didn’t seem horrified, I relaxed inside. Maybe I could talk to him without having to explain everything, keep the puppy part separate from everything else.
“The intimacy of a bond like that can change how we see people and ourselves. How do you see him now?” The words were soothing, and something about his voice made me want to answer, to try to explain.
“He was more loving toward me than I ever thought he would be. He was a different person when we were playing.”
“Did you like who he was in that moment?”
“Yes.”
I liked him more than I wanted to admit.
****
As I drove home, my mind was an even bigger mess after the discussion than it had been before. I wasn’t sure that was a bad thing. Talking with Dr. Sheppard had been stressful but freeing. I didn’t tell him everything. There was no reason to tell that part, but it was enough to really make me think.
I was walking away with more confidence about my feelings on puppy play but a lot less when it came to my relationship with Master. And Owen.
They were still two different people in my head, and I wasn’t sure how to reconcile that. But after talking through my feelings about Master, I knew I didn’t want the awkward avoidance to continue.
Dr. Sheppard had said that it didn’t have to be sexual and reinforced what I’d already seen online. It might not be sexual, but it would be intimate and make us closer than we’d been before. He’d also said that I needed to talk to Master to see how he was feeling about what we’d done.
Especially if I wanted it to continue.
He’d given me ideas and information about continuing in the play without a handler or dominant, but I’d seen how that had gone for me already. I knew I needed someone there with me — someone who could understand and make me feel safe.
Master made me feel safe.
