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What was I supposed to make of that? What was he making of that?
I didn't want to be alone forever. Watching everyone pair up and knowing that even if I tried, it wouldn’t feel right was hard. Pushing aside everything about who he really was to me and just focusing on the rest, I still wasn’t sure.
“What if I’m… What if I’m just not… What if it’s…” I wasn’t even sure how to put all the things that were running through my head into words. Trying to simplify things, I took a deep breath. “I don’t even know how to start.”
“It’d be boring if you did,” Owen pointed out as the car came to a stop in our driveway. “You still have time, Adri. We both do. May as well enjoy the journey.”
He made it sound so easy when it was anything but. I wasn’t sure I knew how to just enjoy it, how to let go like he seemed to be able to do. I always felt like I was limited by how I was supposed to act. Even the idea of stepping out of that was terrifying.
Maybe it was the darkness of the car that made the words slip out, or maybe it was the date and everything he’d said, but I blurted out, “What if I enjoy it too much?” I held my breath. Did he understand what I was afraid of?
“Then you deal with it,” he answered so quickly that I wasn’t sure if it was because he didn’t understand or if he’d already thought about it and made a decision. “One day at a time, and you enjoy what you have while it’s there.”
“You won’t hate me?” My voice sounded ragged even to my ears. “After we… If you touch… You won’t hate me again?”
Owen took in a deep, slow breath, and I was finally sure he understood. I’d halfexpected some shocked exclamation or for the realization to drive him away, but it didn’t. “I’ve never hated you. I couldn’t ever hate you.”
I wasn’t so sure about that, but I wasn’t going to push him — not about that anyway. “So if I asked you for a kiss, you wouldn’t hate me tomorrow, and you wouldn’t avoid me because you thought I was…” I wasn’t even sure how to describe it, “a freak?”
“If you always ask your dates if you think you’d be a freak for wanting to kiss them, no wonder you haven’t had good dates,” Owen said flippantly. It was as exasperating as it was endearing, the way he avoided the question — the way I realized he was giving the answer in his own way.
“I’ve never wanted to kiss my dates the way I do with you. And I’ve never wanted my dates to… I don’t even know how to explain it, to take charge like I want you to. I always thought it was supposed to be equal or me taking control of a situation.” I wasn’t sure how to explain everything I was feeling at that moment. I wanted the guy I’d been on the date with to kiss me, and I wanted the master who’d played with me and touched me to do even more than that.
“Oh, you haven’t seemed too interested in taking charge,” Owen said softly. “You seem to like letting go for a little bit.” And it was the closest declaration to mutual interest he’d offered. “But it would be nice if you took charge a little bit…”
How much was a little?
It felt like we were at the top of a mountain and I had to decide whether to jump or go back down the way I’d come, and I didn’t know if I had the courage to do it. Maybe I couldn’t jump, but I could step closer to the edge and show him I was trying.
Reaching out, I extended my hand across the car. He watched it out of the corner of his eye as it went over the console in the middle. I wasn’t sure if he was even breathing, and I wasn’t sure what the hell I was even doing, but I let my hand take his.
It looked cool and detached where it rested on his leg, but as I felt the heat from his body and the smooth feeling of the fabric covering his skin, I could also feel the little shivers that were running through him.
How much was enough?
His thigh was more muscular than I would have expected. The rock-hard muscles made my fingers itch to explore more, but I wasn’t even sure what he thought about the one simple touch. Taking it another step forward seemed almost impossible. I needed his help, but I didn't know how to ask for it.
I never knew how to ask for it.
“What do you want?” Owen asked. His voice was soft, yet there was an edge of that firmness I associated with Master. It made me weak in the knees, made me please him just to see him smile at me…
“I don’t know.” The words came out low and felt desperate. “I want more of what we had before, when you touched me and everything was simple. I didn’t have to think, and it felt more right than anything else ever has.”
Owen swallowed hard, his expression more vulnerable than I’d even thought he was capable of showing. “You know what you want, Adri,” he said more quietly then. “And I need you to tell me. I need to know I’m not just… barreling over you, that you’re not just…” He made a helpless wave of his hand. “I don’t want you to feel pressured to do this with me, just because I’m…” He let out a short laugh. “I don’t even know, Adri, but I don’t want you to regret anything.”
How could I regret what had been the most incredible experience of my life?
“I couldn’t regret anything with you unless it ended up chasing you away.” I closed my eyes and leaned back in the seat, closing my eyes. Squeezing his hand tight, I tried to think of how to explain it. “No one has ever looked at me like that, like I was special and they wanted to take me in their arms. Everyone’s always had such specific expectations, and I never got to be me. You make me feel like I can be me. I just need help figuring out what that means. The only thing I really know is that I can’t see taking that journey with anyone else, and I want you as my master. When I was a pup, everything was perfect just for those few minutes, and I want more of that. But I want it with you.”
Please, god, let that be enough.
It stayed too quiet for too long. I peeked over to see what he was doing. Owen wet his lips with his tongue, but I’d apparently shocked him into silence — which wasn’t something I’d really thought was possible. It would’ve been amusing if I hadn’t been so afraid, if my hand hadn’t been sweaty where it rested on his leg.
“Show me,” he said. The subtle command in his voice sent a shiver through me. “Once I show you,” whatever that would turn out to mean, “then you’ll take control? Like it was before, but just… now… like this.”
“Yes.”
That one word made the butterflies feel like a hurricane was taking shape inside me. The excitement and nervous energy just kept building until it was overwhelming.
