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“No clue.” I searched the deep recesses of my brain, the places I seldom went. Nope. Couldn’t recall ever having the urge before. Never considered the possibility. I’d shared locker rooms with other guys for as long as I could remember—swimming pools, sports, military barracks, and more. Always kept my eyes to myself, thoughts carefully blank. I’d no more consider kissing a buddy than punching him.
“Come on.” Zeb clearly wasn’t letting this drop. “No crushes? No secret gay porn stash?”
I very nearly choked on my pizza, making a noise not unlike this one indignant goat I’d encountered in the Azores. “Um…”
“Oh?” Zeb’s eyes went wide. “Come on, spill.”
“No crushes. I’ve worked in male-dominated fields forever. If a thought in that direction were to ever enter my brain about any subordinate or coworker, I’d quash it immediately. It’s like I’ve trained my brain to never think about sex on the job or in the locker room. And honestly, that goes for women too. I don’t think about specific women hardly ever, rarely ones I know, and never on the job. Stray thoughts get people killed.”
“Wow.” Zeb blinked. “I can’t imagine not daydreaming. Especially about sex. And what about porn? Surely, when you’re alone…”
“Oh God. Are we really having this conversation?” Groaning, I shook my head. I took a bite of the spicy pizza. Swallowed. Zeb was still looking at me expectantly. “Fine. I don’t like most porn. Too artificial. Too staged. Except…” I trailed off, but Zeb made a go-ahead gesture. “I got kind of into solo videos for a bit. Trying to time myself to come at the same time as the other person, like a race. I started with videos of amateur women, but somehow a dude one snuck in—”
“That’s been known to happen.” Despite his dry tone, Zeb’s eyes twinkled.
“And I did like it,” I admitted. “But that’s not gay. It’s more competitive than anything.”
“I dunno, sounds pretty gay, dude. Or bi or pan. I mean, I assume you enjoy all the chicks you get to bang that Gabe’s always teasing you about.”
“Gabe would be wrong. Not that much banging at all.” Like under five, with a few fingers to spare, but I wasn’t giving Zeb a number to tease me with more.
“Weren’t you some sort of stud in high school?” Zeb demanded around a mouthful of pizza.
“Hardly. Girls like me, but I’ve never been someone to make the first move—”
“Evidence to the contrary.”
“Point taken.” A growly noise escaped my throat. Damn it. Zeb undid every measured emotion I’d worked so hard to cultivate. “But back then especially, I seemed to attract women who were waiting on sex for one reason or another. And I was fine with that. Kissing was fun, but it wasn’t anything to write home about. And then, when I finally did have sex, it was…underwhelming. Figured maybe I’m just clueless at it.”
“I could help you get less clueless.” Zeb smirked.
I swallowed fast to avoid death by pizza crust. “You could do what?”
Eight
ZEB
I waited for Atlas to set aside his slice of pizza. Didn’t want the guy dying on my watch. But I also wasn’t about to mince words. This was my big chance.
“If you want to improve your sex skills, you should have sex with me.” I looked at him, gaze not wavering, so he’d know I was serious. Showing nerves would only make it easier for him to dismiss me.
“Uh?” Atlas made a gurgling noise.
“Don’t choke at the idea.” Standing, I quickly fetched him a glass of water and set it in front of him. “And I’m not discounting that you could simply be not into sex at all. Maybe you’re demi or ace. However, if sex with women was underwhelming…”
Atlas cut me off with a dismissive noise. “Are you suggesting I have gay sex simply because of one fantastic kiss? To rule out the possibility I’ve been missing out?”
“Fantastic kiss.” I beamed at his compliment. Not that it was a competition, but I wanted to be the best kiss he’d ever had and more. “And yes, I know it’s cliché, but if kissing women is underwhelming and kissing me was awesome, why not test my theory?”
“I don’t think I could hide being bi from myself.” Atlas pursed his mouth before studying his half-eaten plate of pizza like it might have the answer.
“You would hardly be the first person to manage that feat,” I pointed out.
“Maybe.” He flexed his jaw like he’d had to work to admit that much. “Even if I wanted to test this theory of yours, you’re Gabe’s little brother.”
“I’m twenty-eight.” I was so very tired of reminding everyone around me that I wasn’t a kid anymore and hadn’t been for quite some time. “And I was nineteen and legal at Gabe and Paige’s wedding. I would have happily banged you then too.”
