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“You’re a great big brother, but I’m twenty-eight. The days when I needed you protecting me on the bus and after school are long over. And I miss Mom and Dad as much as you do, every damn day. But you can’t save me from that grief either. At some point, you’ve got to let me be an adult.”
“Yeah.” Eyes distant and glassy, Gabe nodded. “Maybe I got so used to taking care of you, I didn’t realize how much you’re taking care of yourself these days. I’m sorry.”
“I get it. And I am taking care of myself.” I put a hand on his shoulder. “I’m happy to help out with Seasons. I am. It’s our heritage, and its continuation is your dream. I support all your dreams, but the gaming channel is mine. And I’m tired of you talking it down.”
“I’m sorry. You’re right. I do tease—okay, maybe it’s not all teasing.” Gabe’s mouth twisted as he slumped against the car. “I give you too much shit. But it’s because I care and because I worry.” Groaning, he rubbed his temples. “God, I’m so tired of worrying about every little thing. Last night I couldn’t sleep. And not because of the usual hospital noises, but all the worries in my damn brain. Were the babies warm enough? Too warm? Full? Dry? And so on.”
The last month raced through my head, all the times Atlas or I had said how anxious Gabe seemed, far more than normal. Maybe there were other hard truths I needed to share with Gabe. “I say this with all the love in the world, but you need help.”
“Help?” His nose wrinkled. “Like a nanny for the twins?”
“No, help like medication and therapy.” I met his gaze. “I’ve met several people at gaming cons who live with clinical anxiety disorders. You don’t have to be miserable. You deserve to be happy.”
“I am happy. And blessed.” Gabe scrunched his face up like one of the twins stubbornly resisting a nap. “I just wish I could shut my brain off.”
“You can. Call your doctor. Today. Please.” I sounded very much like the older brother, a reversal of our usual roles, but it also felt right, being the one to take care of Gabe for a change. Spending time with Atlas had shown me how good it could feel to take care of another person. “If not for me, do it for Paige and the babies.”
“Okay. I’ll set a reminder.” Gabe pulled out his phone. “When did you get so wise?”
“Oh, I’m not wise.” I gave a harsh laugh. “I’m a fucking idiot. But one who loves you and wants what is best for you.”
“Ditto. I want you to be happy. Whatever that looks like for you.” Gabe gestured widely. “Even if that means working less at Seasons or not at all. If you’re working your dream job, you shouldn’t have to prop mine up too.”
“Hey. It’s family. We’re family. I’m happy to help. Your dreams matter.” I glanced away. In the past, I would have ended my thoughts there, not given enough weight to my needs and wants. “But you’re right that I need to chase my own dreams.”
“You do.” Gabe pulled me into a swift, tight hug before releasing me. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“I’m not going anywhere.” I wasn’t. I couldn’t. Could I? All the questions of the last few days came roaring back. How could I leave Gabe at such a critical moment? How could I not?
“Hey.” Gabe motioned for me to look at him again. “Don’t you try to give me a run for the title of family worrier. I didn’t mean I needed to tether you to Seasons and Kringle’s Crossing. I need you in our lives. That’s all. Go where the dream takes you.”
“Huh.” I made a thoughtful noise, and my thinky thoughts about dreams, both shared and personal, lingered long after we’d returned to the hospital room, long after the tiny bundles were loaded in their car seats, and long after everyone was settled back at their home. The twins’ nursery was my old room, and I left the new family with a sense of rightness. For years, I’d had trouble adjusting to the place where I’d grown up being Gabe and Paige’s place now. Maybe I’d had a little trouble moving on myself. Like I’d said to Atlas, growing up and figuring out adulting wasn’t easy.
But with the twins installed in their home, the place seemed further removed from my past and more a part of Gabe’s family’s future. And what was my own future? That was indeed the question, one that distracted me as I did a livestream play-through of a new expansion pack.
Unfortunately, I kept making error after error, rookie mistakes piling up despite my larger-than-normal audience.
