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“You asked about my family in the beginning,” I say hesitantly, dread slithering through my chest. “My dad left when I was twelve. My mum says it’s because I was gay. He considered taking my brother with him, but when Lex stood his ground—supported me—he chose to leave us all behind.”
I suck in a breath as Hail looks down at me, half in shock. I push through the discomfort, gripping the bedsheets in both hands.
“Lex drowned in a pool after someone gave him weed laced with fentanyl at a party. Mum went after the guy that owned the property. When she didn’t get any money, she turned her hatred fully on me. Rightfully so, I cost her a husband and the better son.”
Hail’s hand balls into a fist on my chest. “She blamed you.”
“Iamresponsible. I was five years older. He was only seventeen. He was allowed in the band because I promised Mum I would watch over him. And when he was gone, my mum couldn’t deal. She attempted suicide. Between that and, well, the drinking prior to that, I sent her to a place to get better. I wanted to help, but even after she came home, she wasn’t the same.”
“Jesus,” Hail utters. “Have you talked to anyone about this?”
I roll my head back and forth over his muscled thigh, right over the spot where I left a hickey earlier.
His brows knead together. “Not even your bandmates?”
“I couldn’t stand the idea of them hating me more. I was a dick to all of them. I was horrible to Lex right before… I left him out by the pool alone, knowing he wasn’t right in the head. Knowing he needed help. I tore my family apart. It wasn’t right of me to seek any sort of relief from that pain.”
Closing my eyes, I see his body calmly floating beneath the surface like a dream. No one told you that death could be so fucking peaceful sometimes. It’s the thought of what came before his last breath that will forever disturb me. My fucked up brain wants to know–did he fight? Did he know those were his final moments as he sank to the bottom? Or was he too messed up to realise he was dying?
“I fled. Wandered all over Europe all the way up until two months ago. Thought I could lie low for the rest of my pathetic existence.” I draw in a sharp breath. “My selfishness cost the band their futures, too.”
Hails shakes his head. “That’s fucked up and you know it. You know that, right?”
A hoarse laugh escapes me. “I don’t know that,” I say honestly, rubbing at my tired eyes.
“Did no one try to reach out to you? They couldn’t have just let you vanish.”
“They tried. I didn’t respond. How could they forgive me? You saw our bassist. The guy that decked me in the hotel lobby? And even if they did somehow understand, being around them would just be another dagger to my bleeding heart. Another reminder that there’s a hole where Lex used to exist. I wouldn’t be able to ignore his absence anymore. Those little pauses, those moments of silence between all of us, they would fucking ruin me, Hails. Not to mention, I had been struggling with an addiction to drugs and alcohol for a while.”
My chin wobbles and a muscle in Hail’s jaw twitches. “So you’ve been clinging to denial and keeping yourself isolated?”
I nod, meeting his eyes. They’re filled with tears, too. Suddenly, I’m struck with the need to move. To feel more pain. To numb everything inside of me just to rid myself of this fucking gnarled mess of emotions I can’t untangle. It makes me want to claw my skin off. Cut through it with something sharp. Heal something within me just so I can break it again.
Gone. Lex is gone. The one shield I had against the cruel words of my parents for something I didn’tchoose. I shouldn’t have used him that way, but Lex was always stronger than me.
Hail drapes his arm over my bare stomach and rests his head against my forearm while I sob. God, how many more times can I cry? How much of me is left to crumble? Isn’t there a timestamp on grief? When can I start trusting my brain to feel normal again?
Because this thing with Hail and the support I’ve received from Atonement? It has only served to lift me up higher so when I fell, cause I always do, the more my bones shattered.
I know that’s fucked up thinking, blaming them for showing me a sliver of happiness. I know pushing them away isn’t the answer. But dragging Hail down with me every time I plummet into this abyss isn’t good for his health, either.
“I’ve tried so hard in all the wrong ways, all theeasyways, to fix my stupid fucking brain.” I smash a fist against my temple.
He catches my wrist when I go to hit myself again. “Jesus. Please stop doing that.“
I shudder against him. “I know what Ineedto do. It’s the courage I’m lacking.”
Running the hem of his shirt between my fingers, I keep thinking about the business card Liam gave me that’s still tucked in my wallet. I should make that phone call sooner rather than later because I know I’ll find a way to talk myself out of seeking help.
Sometime during our cuddling, we shimmy under the blankets, completely drained both mentally and physically. I blink into the darkness. As if sensing my troubled thoughts, Hail tucks me closer against his body.
“Hey, sunshine,” he says, kissing my temple.
“Hey, Hails.”
His thumb caresses my bare hip bone. “I love you.”
Those three words, so easily given to me. I stretch up to kiss his cheek.
