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Honestly, your letter came when I was lurking in another low. My therapist warned things might get worse before they get better. We’re delving into topics I’ve kept buried for too long, and it hurts. It hurts to talk about it, Hails.
But I’ve been speaking with her as much as she’ll see me, and I joined an AA group here. I can honestly say my periods of feeling bad have gotten less frequent. I don’t feel like I’m drowning in guilt at all hours of the day. I don’t feel the urge to numb my emotions, either. It’s amazing how ignorant I had become to the negativity I allowed to fester in my brain. We’re slowly working on that, too.
But until I can face my mum and cut off financial ties, I don’t think I’m able to move forward. While I’m counting down the days until I can come home to you, I know I have to work through my problems fully. I don’t want to hurt you the way I did when I left you. I want to be rock solid for you.
Selma says hi. She’s in love with our songs. We listened to them together at her place. Somehow, I’ve agreed to Friday movie nights with her.
I promise I’ll wait to look up anything new by Atonement.
In other news, I picked up part-time work at a music studio teaching lessons. Go ahead and be jealous of me for stealing one of your dreams. It makes me feel like a part of you was here with me. Besides therapy, it’s become my reason for getting out of bed in the morning. No, I’m still not an early bird. Yes, I’m working on it.
However, teaching music to kids in between writing songs has been surprisingly uplifting. The things they say, Hails. I swear I’ve never laughed so hard in my life. They don’t care that I was almost famous and now I’m washed up. They only care that I make a fool of myself by pretending to mess up notes. One kid snorted so hard he farted and cleared out the entire room. Another one reminds me a lot of myself, and I hope I’m making a difference in his life.
Anyway, the weather is cool here too. I miss snuggling with you.
If Cracker Barrel is on the same level as Snooze, save me a permanent seat.
You’ll always have my heart, though I hope one day soon I can give you all of it.
Love,
Your Sunshine (yes, that made me cringe to write. Are you happy?)
Sunshine,
I am so happy. You have no idea. I literally cannot stop smiling after reading your letter. Thank you for writing me back. I had braced for silence, telling myself the knowledge that you were alive and had an address would be enough.
And teaching music lessons, Z? That is incredible! You are a gift to those children, I’m certain of it.
We finished our U.S. tour. FINALLY. Liam and I have been booking some local musicians at the studio while Atonement works on our next album. It feels good to keep it low key. Maybe I am management material after all, Dad!
There’s this house down the street in a new construction neighborhood. It’s small, but it has a built-in grill and a pool! I think I might inquire about it, but only if you think it’s a good idea. I don’t want to make big decisions without your input. You are a part of my life.
Oh! And Max actually let me see my niece! Well, it was really Stasi. They asked her to babysit while they were off at some work conference, and Stasi let me come over. I’m not sure that was wise, because now I’m wrapped around that kid’s tiny finger, and I’m not sure I’ll get to see her again.
But Stasi’s been talking to Max about how I’m moving into a management role, and while it’s not right, I think Max may come around to me soon. I’m the proper kind of human now!
Anyway, I won’t lie and say this long distance thing has been easy. Not that I would ever give up on you. Just saying how I feel. I want to hold you. Kiss you. Touch you. Love you in person.
- Hails
Hails.
You didn’t warn me.
Pretty certain the postman is plotting to assassinate me. Over two-hundred letters? Took me two weeks to read them all. I don’t think I’ve ever cried that hard. I do a lot of that, don’t I?
Happy to hear you’re enjoying the slower pace. You deserve the rest, metal god.
Text me pics of the house. I’d love to see it. Maybe we should switch over to text or FaceTime. Give the postman a break for a bit. You can tell me all about meeting your niece, and we can dissect what a dickhead your brother is.
Things are good. I feel good, though I miss you more than I could have imagined.
Love,
Zander
Thirty-Five
