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Angel considers, glancing between the Santa, my angel ornament and the rainbow-coiffed gnome in Nick’s grasp. “Alright, looks like I’ll take the winning ornament then. Give it, Nick!”
Nick makes the trade, playing up a loud groan at being made to surrender the most popular ornament. I’m starting to really like that guy. He’s making my two favorite people smile, playing along in our games.
“Looks like Saint remains the champion of ornament swap.” Eliza observes with a cheeky grin.
“Somehow, considering it’s not an actual competition,” Carl gripes, but it’s all for show. He’s smiling fondly at me from Nick’s lap. I could get used to seeing him that happy.
“Who’s ready for some more eggnog?” Grace breaks up the circle of guests. Next, they’ll have Grace’s dad make a grand entrance dressed as Santa to distribute gifts to all the kids, and things will wrap up for the night shortly afterward.
I carefully tuck my ornament back into the gift bag it came in for safekeeping and go to peruse the dessert buffet for a few more cookies.
“Hey, can we get our ride home a bit early?” Carl snags my sleeve to ask as I’m scanning the crowd and plotting out my goodbyes.
I offered to be his and Nick’s designated driver. Although as far as I can tell, Nick hasn’t had more than a few sips of butter rum when we first arrived all night. That’s a crying shame, considering how delicious Eliza’s butter rum is.
Next year I’ll indulge. Or I might call to get her recipe tomorrow. I always mean to, but then I forget in all the hubbub. I don’t have anywhere to be until after the holiday now, so it’s the perfect year to try my hand at making the rich, sugary-sweet drink.
“Yeah, I was just thinking it’s about that time. Everything alright?”
“Mhm,” Carl hums, tight-lipped, and I get the distinct impression it’s really not, but I don’t pry in front of a crowd. I can see Nick pacing near the door as he texts frantically. “Nick needs to make a work call.”
“Ah. Sure, get your coats. Give me a minute to say a few good nights.” I purse my lips in disapproval and I have to remind myself that Carl likes Nick. Still, I barely refrain from saying anything disparaging.
“Yeah, you do.” Carl cuts his gaze toward Angel. I’m not surprised he noticed the tension between us. Even if he appears to be misreading it. I’m not sure how to feel about Angel right now, but I’ve sent them enough mixed signals for one night.
Sometimes, I wish my friendships could be as straightforwardly embraced as the romantic relationships that always get lionized everywhere I look. It’s so frustrating to know everyone will expect me to step back from my role in Carl’s life if Nick asks it of him. And the town gossip mill would probably side with Angel if I break their heart by not reciprocating the growing feelings I’ve been pretending not to notice from them. I’m too tired and cranky to deal with my own anticipatory grief, bracing for my two most important friendships to change. All because of love. Phooey on that nonsense.
I make a point of wishing Eliza and Grace’s kid a happy holiday. The kid calls me Uncle, so she gets a greeting. I say goodnight to her parents too. Then I duck into the spare bedroom to grab my coat ahead of the end of the party rush. Carl and Nick are already waiting for me outside; I saw them leave.
I’m surprised when I turn and almost run right into Angel in the hallway.
“Hey,” I say, trying to hide my guilt over my attempt to sneak off without a proper goodbye.
“Hey, yourself.” Angel hugs themself, looking insecure. “Are we still on for Christmas?”
“Yeah, text me?” I could kick myself for the dismissive answer. They clearly need reassurances, but it would be worse to offer them platitudes when I’m not sure if I can keep doing what we’re doing, right? At least this way, it’s not out of left field.
“Okay. You just seemed weird tonight. If I did something…” Angel rubs at their arms, self-soothing.
“No.” I’m not going to let that stand. Angel didn’t do a damn thing to deserve this. I’m just not built for relationships. And lately, that seems like it includes friendships. “You didn’t do anything wrong. Carl and Nick had something come up. They’re waiting for me to take them home. Sorry, I need to go.”
“Ah. Right. I should get going too, I guess.”
“It is getting late,” I agree, even though it’s clear from their hopeful gaze that they’re fishing for an invite. I understand why they wouldn’t want to be alone tonight. A selfish part of me wants to spend the entire weekend curled up in bed with them. But the more responsible side of me realizes that’s a terrible idea if I don’t want to blur the lines between sex and love.
I love Angel too much to let that happen any more than it already has. This is better for both of us in the long run, even if I’m consigning us both to a lonely Christmas. The hope in their eyes dims and then dies.
“Well, have a good night, Saint.” Angel shuffles past me.
“Good night, Angel.” I can’t resist leaning in to kiss their cheek. They tense at first, but then they turn their face to return the gesture. Their grip on my arm is tight, as if they want to cling to me, but know it’s futile.
They’re smiling that bittersweet, knowing smile of theirs when I step back. Like they suspect that was more of a goodbye than I’m letting on. Damnation. I don’t want it to be, but that might be for the best if I can’t get my head out of my ass about them.
That’s a problem for another day. I pretend not to see the hurt on Angel’s face or the disappointed droop of their shoulders as I leave. I can’t shake the sense of their sad eyes boring into my back the entire way to my car with Carl and Nick.
Chapter 14
Angel (December 24th, 2023)
