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How can they trust me if I don’t trust them?
I guess time will tell how my story will end.
January 1964
Another full moon has passed.
At some point, Christmas and the new year have come and gone. The second without my beloved Albert and Winston.
I’m holding back tears since this month Winston turns three. What a big boy he’ll be. What I would do to hold him one more time.
Will he even remember me?
Has Albert given up on me and met someone else?
I continue to pray for a future with my family. Yet I’m here, about to embark on a different life with a new family, and I’m worried my husband has found someone else. My selfishness sickens me, yet I must hold out for hope for this isn’t my fate, and I have a life back in Australia because I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life here.
Weju loves me in his own way. Only not the way I’m used to.
I see infatuation in his eyes. Yet there’s shame in giving up his time with the shaman and no longer special in rank yet considered a warrior like the other young men. The shaman still eyes me as though he senses an evil within me despite his intrusive thoughts in my mind during the ayahuasca ceremony.
I’m grateful for Weju’s support.
And he seems proud to have Itariru Enu Tykaraije for a wife. It’s going to take a while to adapt to my new names.
If only he knew how much I wanted to go home.
44
EDEN
Oh, Gran. I swipe a tear from my eye.
Her circumstances being in Ulara were vastly different than mine. I had a choice. Gran feared for her life. And the cheating on Pop which everyone believed stemmed from a survival aspect.
God, I want to read on, although right now, I’m not sure my heart can handle it with what’s going on in my life.
“Are you okay,” Samuel whispers and curls into me.
I shake my head. “Gran… I had no idea.” I swipe tears from my cheek. “Did you know the shaman’s name?”
Samuel shakes his head. “I knew him as the shaman or the Ularans called him Pyjai, meaningmedicine man.”
“His name is Weju,” I whisper.
“The sun,” he says as though it makes sense. He stares up at the ceiling as though he remembers something. Or simply the man who was his friend and mentor.
“You miss him,” I say with understanding.
He kisses my forehead. “Everyone and everything. I keep visualizing how they are and hope they’re safe.”
“You did your part. It’s more than anyone could do.” I kiss the tip of his shoulder. “I often think about Kaikare. I miss her too. And wonder if there’s a chance Dad and her could meet.” I stop myself and shake my head. “It’s too complicated.”
Samuel’s Adam’s apple bobs. “I have an idea where they’re located, only the idea of returning so soon…” He closes his eyes slowly. He opens them, and he’s overcome with sadness. “I’m not ready, and it could compromise everything.”
“And too dangerous.”
Rose stirs from the other bedroom, and I go to jump up.
