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I’m reminding myself to breathe as I write this entry.
Even the months aboard the ship will not be enough to heal my heart and wear a brave face for Albert.
I remind myself I have another family who’s eagerly awaiting my return.
Another family who loves me.
My broken heart can’t be revealed as I could ruin a chance of happiness with them.
Maria told me never to forget my daughter in my heart, but to my family, I must never speak of her if I want to move on. Only mention the hysterectomy and my baby died.
It’s not a complete lie.
Only now, I mourn so much more.
March 23, 1965
I’m on the ship and in my quarters.
Out of the porthole, all I see is blue. For many months, green was the only color surrounding me.
Blue represents another chance at life.
Last night I dreamed about my two babies I have lost. Set in the future, Dawn was four and my baby, a boy I named Albert, Jr. was around two years of age, and they were playing in the rainforest. Then the rains came and along with it, sadness.
Did I have the mental or physical capacity to survive another rainy season with two children?
I’ll never know.
Have I made the right choice leaving my husband and child for what many consider a better life?
What will my life become if Albert decides he no longer loves the woman I have become?
Will I ever forgive myself for the many bad decisions I have made to get me this far?
I should never have walked away from Albert and Winston to follow a stupid dream.
Because I’m no longer the same woman who left them all those years ago.
53
EDEN
Closing the journal, I curl up into a ball and allow the tears to flow down my cheeks. I keep swallowing the lump in the back of my throat, hoping to get control of the emotion soaring through me. My chest feels like it’s been split open by an ax—a raw wound.
My dear grandmother…
I love her even more for what she went through, and respect explodes from my heart. Respect as she did live out her life the best way she could. I know Pops found out about her affair, and it led him to alcohol and eventually to become an alcoholic, but did he ever understand the position she was in and what she had to do to stay alive?
It’s hard to imagine if you have never been deep in the heart of the Amazon rainforest. I’m still shocked by the hostility of the Ularans and wonder if it’s why Weju exercised his right as a shaman with love, and if he promoted calmness in the people after the shellshock of Gran leaving him. He had Kaikare and eventually found peace and contentment in his life. He also connected with Gran’s spirit during ayahuasca. Their spirits were reunited in another world, I know that now. I only hope she’d reconciled with Pop and found peace with the two men in her life.
Years ago, Mum mentioned how Gran had blessed me. It was a weird thing to say, and I can’t help wondering if Gran possessed a sense of what my future held.
I take the journal and press it close to my heart, closing my eyes and visualizing Gran’s smiling face. “I’ll love you forever,” I whisper.
The journal must remain in the family. Both journals do, and my family needs to read both. It will be hardest for Dad, as he remembers Gran’s depression when he was a child and the arguments. He needs to know why, understand what Gran endured, and how his mother was a warrior.
Not crazylike people assumed.
