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Rhea finally glanced in her direction. “What are you talking about?”
“You know…” Paige watched a woman push a baby carriage up a neighborhood sidewalk as they waited for the crosswalk light. “That weekend in the cabin. I think about it a lot, and not only because it was hot.” She was aware of her wife’s hand not so far away from her. In any other circumstance, Paige would have held it the whole way home. “I’d never seen that side of you before. Like, sure, glimpses of it here and there, but…” She shook her head. “I guess I want to know that you wanted to do that, not only because you thought you had to so I’d be happy.”
Rhea’s nostrils flared, but no audible sigh erupted. “I don’t even know right now.”
“I wish you’d tell me. Wouldn’t it be easier if we were on the same page?”
“I don’t wanna talk about this right now. I’m tired.”
“Do you really think I was so comfortable with myself back in college?”
Rhea almost missed her opportunity to make a right turn before the car behind her laid on the horn. “What?”
Her exasperation only made Paige’s apprehension worse. “Because I wasn’t. I was a hot fucking mess who didn’t love herself beyond what she thought she was worth to other women. I was rebelling against a society that told me that… I dunno, because I was feminine, blond, and pretty, I had to be straight and cater to men. I desperately wanted to be a tomboy, but that didn’t fit my ‘aesthetic,’ so the next best thing was going after girls who had higher-pitched giggles than me. I don’t have to tell you, Rhea, I have a high-pitched giggle. Only reason I got as much ass as I did was because we went to such a large school and everyone was having a grand time ‘experimenting.’ Half of my old girlfriends post homophobic rants on Facebook now! You’d never guess they were such assholes, though, because they always begged me to fuck theirs!”
Rhea slammed on the brakes when they reached the next light. Paige’s seatbelt locked against her chest and almost cut the bottom of her throat. The more she struggled with it, the more the seatbelt refused to move. Sweat beaded her brow as frustration mounted. Rhea looked like she was on the brink of tears.
“Could wepleasemake it through one therapy appointment where we don’t bring up what a slut you were!”
Paige gasped. Rhea immediately espoused regret.
“I get to call myself a slut,” Paige gravely said. “You don’t. Not like that.”
“I’m sorry.” Both of Rhea’s hands were on her face. “I didn’t mean that.”
No, Paige supposed not, but Rhea still said it. Aggressively.
Its intent was to sting Paige, and it had worked.
“We’re all on different paths, right?” Paige said with a voice so flat it was thinner than paper. “Fuck. Why does college keep haunting us?”
“Because we never really moved on.”
It was the most poignant thing Rhea had said. Paige looked at her with a softened visage, her heart tearing into two as she silently pleaded for her wife’s acknowledgment.
“I don’t know what to do,” Paige said as they moved again. “You talk about wanting to do new things and put yourself out there more, but then you close up and withdraw after the fact. I don’t want you getting hurt.Idon’t wanna get hurt. The other night at the club…” She might regret bringing this up, but it spoke to her point. “I ran into Irene. You might not remember her–”
Rhea interrupted her. “I remember. The woman with the husband who flirted with you.”
I don’t know if I would say that…Paige ignored it. None of that was her point. “She invited me to some party. Said there was some famous actress at the center of it.” The more Paige talked, the sillier it sounded.Why am I even bringing this up?The awkward laughter eking out of Paige’s mouth wasn’t because she thought the whole thing funny. If anything, she felt so awkward that she wished she could turn back time five minutes and saynothing.
Yet Rhea was staring at her. She expected her wife to finish the statement.
“I told her we weren’t interested, because it sounded like a, I dunno…” Paige sighed. “A lesbian orgy. Didn’t think you would go for it. Plus I was high as a kite.”
“Not so high you don’t remember that, I guess.”
“I remember most of that night,” Paige said. “I’ve only blacked out from shit once in my life and that was when I was a dumbass college freshman who thought alcohol poisoning was cool. So yeah, I remember.”
Rhea continued to gaze at the slow-moving traffic as if she didn’t care that her wife was going to be late to her appointments if they didn’t get a move on.Maybe I should call out sick.It had been months since Paige last took a personal day at the last minute.
“You didn’t think I would go for it? You didn’t even ask.”
Paige almost sputtered her words. “As Isaid,I was too fucked up to consent to anything like that, let alone onourbehalf. So sue me for turning down a situation that could have gone way south,wayfast.”
With both hands gripping the steering wheel, Rhea closed her eyes and deeply inhaled.
“What?” Paige snapped. “Do youwantto do an orgy with a bunch of naked strangers?”
