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Of course I’m not okay. This is rock bottom.
“Give me a minute,” I call, and at least my voice sounds normal. Measured. You’d never guess I was in complete and utter turmoil right now.
“Are you sure?” The bathroom door handle jiggles, and I huff and lean my forehead on the slippery tiles. Why is she trying to get in? What would she do if the door was unlocked?
Come to me in the shower? Touch me? Kiss me again? Drop to her knees, the cold water soaking through her pajama pants, and open her mouth for me, those trusting brown eyes gazing up at me with love?
That last image is what does it. My gut clenches and twists; sparks crackle down my spine. My heartbeat fills my ears, banging like a war drum as my cock pulses, shooting rope after rope at the shower tiles, painting the wall with my shame.
I wait until I can breathe again. Until I’m shuddering under the freezing spray, my fingers and toes going numb.
Then I rinse down the wall, slap the shower off, and get ready to walk to my doom.
* * *
Noelle is watching another Christmas movie when I emerge from the bathroom, dressed again in the same clothes. My feet are bare and my shirt is half buttoned, the sleeves rolled to my elbows, but I can’t bring myself to wear those matching pajamas. That way madness lies.
“What’s this?” My footsteps are muffled by the thick carpet. The mattress plinks quietly as I settle my weight back on the bed, propped against the headboard once more. A safe distance is restored between us, with my arms folded over my chest.
Nothing to see here.
Noelle’s mouth twists, but she lets me change the subject like a coward. “A Muppet Christmas Carol.”
For fuck’s sake.
“You’re pushing it.”
“And you’re messing with my feelings.” When I whip around to stare at her, Noelle frowns at the screen, ignoring me as soundly as I just ignored her. “So I guess we’re even.”
Oh, hell.
“I’m not—”
“Besides,” Noelle goes on, talking over me, “you were right to stop us. It was a terrible idea, and I’m the one who saved that mistletoe. I got us into that mess, so it’s my fault. Sorry, boss.”
Mess?Sorry? Noelle is sorry for kissing me? For making me feel alive for the first time in my whole lonely life?
“That’s not—”
“I vote we pretend it never happened.” Noelle turns to me at last, smiling wide, but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes. “We won’t be the first boss and assistant who made this mistake, and we won’t be the last. It happens.”
Ithappens?
The most important moment of my life, the thing that changed me from the inside out, that turned me upside down and shook my insides around… was a mistake? A mistake thathappens?
If my stomach sinks any lower, it’ll reach the Earth’s core.
Because I know I messed up back there by leaving like that, know I made things awkward—but this is who I am.I’m the guy who needs a minute sometimes to get his head on straight. Things that come easily to most people—things like chatting and emotions—are an uphill slog for me. Noelleknowsthat.
I didn’t think she minded. Thought she accepted this part of me.
God knows she’s used to my stilted behavior. My moods, my grumpiness, my barked orders first thing in the morning as I stomp around our shared office.
“If that’s what you want.”
Noelle turns back to the movie, conversation closed. “It is.”
Nine
