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“You did. Besides, I’m exhausted. I’m good unless you think these recruits have a thing for dark crow’s feet and crabby attitudes. So, if you wanna head out and do whatever with them, feel free to do it solo.”
Darla completely ignored my invitation to leave, which I didn’t expect to work, anyway. If I told her seriously that I needed space, she'd respect my wishes, but she had an uncanny knack for seeing through my bluster.
“Nah, not interested. Captain Kai is in the dining hall welcoming them now, so I’m sure they’re all starry-eyed and fawning over him. Not enough attention left over to make it worth getting dolled up on my own.”
I couldn’t fight the emotional jolt that went through me at the captain’s name. It was such a specific feeling that I only associated with him: a twinge of heartache, a dash of resentment, a heaping dose of guilt. I wasn’t sure what my feelings were cooking up, but whatever it was, it always left me with a forlorn, bitter taste in my mouth.
But that was probably because he was my fated mate.
“You all right over there?” Darla said in a curious tone. Sometimes I got the feeling that she knew how much I was drawn to Captain Kai, and other times it felt like she was completely oblivious. “You look a little green.”
“I’m fine,” I lied, just like I had to do most of the time. I really hated that about myself, but survival is as survival does, and I just did what was necessary to protect the people around me. “Just hungry.”
In truth, my stomach was twisting at the thought of him being surrounded by drooling, enamored recruits who could openly speak with him—be close to him. Meanwhile, I was barely able to steal distant glances, and that was it. It wasn’t right to be so isolated from my mate. It tore at me in ways I truly hated, but what could I do?
Mates, fated mates, and romance were complicated, interwoven things in shifter culture. Considering I was only half a shifter and raised by witches, I was still unraveling those intricate social rules. Mates were what most shifters tended to call their long-term partners, wives, or husbands. It meant a specific, important relationship that was set aside from just dating, or even marriage. It was something shifter-specific and taken very seriously.
But it was a choice.
Fatedmates were something else entirely. I was still shaky on thewhyof it, but boy, was I familiar with how it felt. Fated mates weren’t about choice. It was like an irresistible call to another person—someone I wasmeantto be with. More enticing than a siren’s song, more compelling than my need for oxygen. My entire body, heart, and soullongedto be by Kai’s side. To protect him. To comfort him. To laugh with him and share all the mundane little happenings of day-to-day life. I craved him more than I wanted food or drink.
But I couldn’t have him.
Maybe…maybe it wouldn’t be the worst idea to go to the dining hall and help with the welcoming of the new recruits. Even though I couldn’t participate directly, it was always nice to see him charm the troops. Captain Kai had a way of making everyone feel welcome right off the bat—that was if they let him. Goodness knows, I certainly hadn’t when I’d first arrived. I’d stared straight at the ground and given one-word answersas best I could. Not exactly the best first impression, but it was what I had to do to squeak by.
“Why don’t we go get you food before you pass out? You know how cranky you get in the morning when you’ve gone too long without eating.”
She was right. “All right,” I said, like she’d managed to convince me. “Let’s go get food. As long as you’re willing to not make a scene.”
“Me? Make a scene?” Darla objected, batting her double row of eyelashes at me. “I'd never.”
“Uh-huh. Why don’t you go ahead? I’m gonna take a quick wash, then follow up behind you.”
“You’re really sticking to this hermit thing, aren’t you? You know, if you didn’t work so hard on being stony, more people would see how fun you are.”
“I don’t want people to see how fun I am,” I countered sharply. I didn’t need to risk them getting hurt.
“All right, all right, I can tell I touched a nerve. I’ll head out to get my flirt on before you join me.”
“Thanks.”
Darla practically skipped out of my room, heading away from my living quarters toward the southern cafeteria. Troops tended to eat in the same places most days, but sometimes we’d wander to one of the other quads if our usual one was overly packed.
Considering the late hour, though, there would be plenty of room once I arrived. Most of the soldiers in our quad were used to me silently eating alone or with Darla, so no one was likely to bother me besides perhaps the new recruits. But I was sure that others would warn them off me before then. It was certainly a relief. It was going to take far too much of my attention to not openly stare at Kai, so I wasn’t exactly going to be up for conversation.
Allowing myself one more groan, I got out of bed and hopped into the shower. Most of the new recruits had to use communal dorm bathrooms, but as one of two healers on our quadrant of the fort who often had to wash viscera, tonics, and brews off myself, I'd a small bathroom attached to my quarters.
Once I was clean, I pulled on a standard uniform instead of my healing one, then headed to the café. Just like I’d hoped, Darla was indeed busy with a gaggle of soldiers who were all vying for her attention, allowing me to get my food and pretend like I wasn’t waiting for Kai to arrive.
The room was much louder than usual, filled with all the new bodies. As much as I appreciated the reinforcements, my heart grew heavy knowing we were so direly in need of them. The war seemed to stretch on forever, escalating more and more as the years passed.
What was it even about? Land? Power? It all seemed so pointless to me. I fought as hard as I could to be an excellent healer and soldier for Captain Kai and my fellow shifters, but that didn’t mean I was a blindly loyal patriot. The world would be a much better place if there were no such thing as armed conflict.
I grimaced as I tried to shove those thoughts out of my mind. Luckily, that was right when none other than Captain Kai strolled into the cafeteria, his presence banishing the negativity always living in my mind. He looked gorgeous, as usual, and my eyes traveled along his noble brow, down his strong nose, then to his chiseled chin. He was smiling, as he usually was off duty, his dark spit curls hanging off his forehead.
I mechanically shoveled food from my tray into my mouth, but even with how hungry I was, I didn’t really taste any of it. My full attention was on Kai, save for the small sliver of my brain trying to pretend that Iwasn’tlooking at him. Once more,the siren song bloomed within, flooding me with a bitter longing that never seemed to end.
“Well met!” I heard him say cheerily to one of the recruits, with even my half-shifter hearing able to pick up his voice from across the room.
