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But I just couldn’t bring myself to say out loud that I was both embarrassed at being a virgin, out of my depth, and so turned on that I was worried I might spontaneously combust.
It also felt pretty disingenuous to sleep with him when there was still so much I’d been hiding. He didn’t know I was a shifter. He didn’t know that I'd actually cursed him. The only thing he was aware of was that I'd known he was my mate and hadn’t pursued it to protect him. He didn’t even know about the curse that haunted me and the people I loved.
He didn’t know, and I wasn’t ready to tell him. Not yet. I felt like I needed to pick my brain apart and digest everything that'd happened, and that was quite difficult to do when I was so turned on, I was surprised I was still standing upright.
“We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to,” he continued, as if he like Darla could read my thoughts. But then I remembered that, even though we hadn’t actually mated or bitten into each other’s gland, he could still feel echoes of what I felt. “I know that certain alphas can be weird about what they expect, but I only ask that you let me take care of you and help you through this.”
God, he was justsogood. Was he even real?
“It’s n-n-n-not that. It’s just, uh, well…”
“That you’ve never done anything like this before?”
Oh, wow, this was embarrassing. “How did you know?”
He simply shrugged like it was perfectly normal. “You keep to yourself to the point where your own fellow soldiers call you a hermit. If you’ve known that I was your mate for several years, I couldn’t imagine you finding satisfaction with someone else.”
I guess it wasn’tthatembarrassing. Still, it was hard not to feel self-conscious because I knew Kai had way more experience than me. I’d heard plenty of people in the fort complain that he wouldn’t sleep with underlings, but therewerestories of his other conquests from before he was stationed there, and of a few lovely civilian ladies.
“I’m never going to pressure you into anything,” Kai continued, kissing the top of my head. Goodness, he really was so touchy, and after so long completely isolating myself, it was like I was drunk on it. I didn’t think I could cast the curse on him again even if I wanted to. “But I'd very much like to just lay down and hold you, if you would be comfortable with that.”
Was I comfortable with that? It sounded like so many of the dreams I’d had ever since I’d met him. Yeah, plenty of my fantasies were pretty horny, but there were so many other things I’d wanted, too. The casual intimacy of two people in love. Gentle touches and close proximity while my eyes were heavy withsleep. All the things I thought I could never have and so many people took for granted.
“I could do that,” I murmured.
“Perfect. The moment you want space, you just let me know, okay?”
“Yeah, okay. That makes sense.”
He let me go then, only to take my hand and lead me toward the little shelter I’d made. It was nothing really, just a ramshackle lean-to from sticks and leaves with my sleep roll under it. Kai’s pack had clearly been lost in the fight, but I’d kept my bag on me, since it was so light. Otherwise we wouldn’t have any rations, water, or any of my potions.
But with all supply talk aside, I let him lead me to our makeshift shelter. We laid down together, me facing him, and he held me just like he’d asked to.
It.
Was.
Amazing.
I could feel his heartbeat thundering against the side of my head as we cuddled. That might have sounded annoying to anyone else, but it wasn’t to me. It was a great comfort: unequivocal proof that he was alive, that he was safe, and that he was happy to lay there with me.
Plus hisscent.
Oh, I’d smelled him plenty of times before, but it was nothing like being curled right up against him, his body heat radiating into me like the world’s best weighted blanket.
His arms were so strong, as was the rest of him, and his chin was a welcome weight where it rested on top of my head. So many stories I’d heard of fated mates finding each other were full of feral desire and sweating bodies. Why had no one mentioned the complete contentedness and peace of just resting together?
I was in Heaven, I was sure of it. Fuck the consequences, fuck the curse, I'd found paradise, and I wasn’t going to let go.
Kai’s scent really was intoxicating, too, and after a half hour, maybe longer, I found myself wanting more. I tilted my head up slightly, my nose and my inner wolf both sniffing for his scent gland. Hismatinggland.
I was playing a dangerous name, I knew that, but instinct pushed me further. Wiggling up his body a little, I finally got my nose into the crook between his neck and shoulder and breathed him in.
It wasn’t exactly the sexiest move, but no one would have known that from Kai’s reaction. He stilled, and his strong fingers tucked themselves under my chin, putting a slight distance between us.
“Hey now,” he murmured, his voice low and eyes half-lidded. “That’s not playing fair.”
I didn’t know where I got the balls to answer him like this, but it was like my inner wolf’s bravery and ignorance of all that could go bad in the world bled into me as I looked up at him through my lashes. “What if I don’t want to play fair?”
