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So I took the pen and read the list a second time. This time I ticked off what I liked and crossed out what I couldn't imagine– after googling. At the same time, my preferences seemed pretty clear: I didn't want him to be in charge of my life or my body. I didn't want him to cause me permanent harm or put me in situations I would be ashamed of for the rest of my life. I also didn't want him to degrade me to an object or play with bodily fluids other than those naturally present during sex. I didn't want to be pushed, manipulated or forced into anything. I didn't want to live out any strange fantasies, although I didn't mind if he took away all my defenses for a session.
Basically, I wanted nothing more than pleasure and excitement. These experiences broadened my horizons and perhaps helped Kaden and me with our problems. Nothing would break the trust between us or permanently changed us into different people.
However, I could just imagine where the general opinion about Kaden came from with all this new information. Some of these practices were not socially acceptable, and he had never spoken out against the accusations made against him. When one of the women claimed that he liked to use electricity, Kaden had never said anything to the contrary, he had simply let the statement stand on its own merits. It might not have been his preference, but his partner's.
No matter how you looked at it, in the end, Kaden was always called a freak and the woman became a victim because she had to put up with a horrible man like him. The thought almost made me laugh. Kaden was anything but how they made him appear. No one had the right to treat him like this and there was no way I was talking to the press. No matter how close they got to me or what they wanted from me. They would get nothing from me. Even if they saw us together somewhere or published some strange allegations.
It took me quite a while to get back to the last page, and I had written my opinion everywhere. Sometimes I had also noted a comment– for example, that I was not averse to the whole breath control thing, but that Kaden had my complete trust in this case and should not overdo it if he was still interested in playing such games with me.
It was also this comment that made me realize that, in this whole relationship, it was not really Kaden who was the one in control. At least not as far as he was concerned with the dynamics and the rules. At the end of the day, it was always me who decided what he could and couldn't do with me. The loss of my trust was the loss of his privilege in our relationship.
Even though he was ascribed the attribute of dominant and I automatically slipped into the role of submissive, it did not mean he was in control. Or that I was at the mercy of his power.
Kaden was just the one I trusted enough to let it all go, to let myself be drawn into seeing him in that position. Maybe it was even an advantage that we had known each other for so long and were such good friends. He didn't have to earn that trust. After all, he had made sure that I felt it and could rely on him all those years. I hadn't realized how easily that could be extended to other areas. Still, it couldn't get any clearer than in those moments when I filled out nine pages about BDSM practices and signed a contract on a post-it that would make him my master.
* * *
I did not feela trace of anxiety when I walked into Kaden's office later that morning. There was no doubt that I might have made the wrong decision or had to back out. Only absolute certainty that I was doing something that felt right and would take us both forward.
Still, Kaden seemed surprised to see me. Maybe because I had walked right past his secretary and into his office.
He looked at me with a raised eyebrow before ending the phone call without comment and leaning back in his chair with his hands clasped behind his head.
The glass front at his back offered a view of the resort and the sea beyond, but I was busy studying his face, trying to fathom the question I could read on it.
With a little effort, I walked over to his desk and stuck the post-its on the glass in front of him. I tapped my finger on the signature I had placed underneath.
"I recognize the rules from the other contract, but I'm not going to sign it," I explained, sliding the list under his nose. "This confused me for the most part, to be honest. So I ignored the actual scale and instead crossed out what I didn't like, marked what I do like, and noted where I could imagine something but wasn't sure. A few things I had to comment on. And a few things to research."
Again he raised an eyebrow.
"If you want me to eat out of a bowl, that's an immediate deal breaker," I explained.
"Sure. This afternoon we'll go to the nearest pet store so you can pick out your collar and leash," he replied dryly, shaking his head. "Believe me, I'm not interested in making you my lapdog."
An invisible weight fell from my shoulders, but I didn't let it show. A part of me had feared there would be discrepancies and that we would not agree in the end.
Kaden glanced at the list but didn't let on what was going through his mind. There was not the slightest hint of it on his face. No muscle twitch, no reaction in his eyes, not even a grin.
His finger just glided across the paper. Meanwhile he went through the points. "Don't worry. I don't want faeces in my bed," he muttered at one point.
I bounced up and down on my feet, a little unsure. "Why use the list at all when there are so many things that don't even apply?"
He raised his eyes for a moment. "Because I wouldn't present you with a list that has already been filtered through my views. That would mean influencing you. And that's not something I'm in favor of either."
I opened my mouth then closed it again because I wasn‘t sure what to say, Kaden continued to study the list. I had a strange feeling in my chest, just standing there with my arms crossed in front of his desk, watching him hunch over my most intimate preferences.
I had made myself vulnerable, opened myself up to him in a way that I had never done before, and yet Kaden didn't make me feel like I should regret it.
"I like how honest you were with that list," he said at one point, still not at the end.
Kaden had no idea how overwhelmed I felt. My head was still buzzing, and another concept kept popping up in my mind, bothering me. He had no way of knowing what a monumental effect all this new knowledge had on me– and would have if things continued to develop in this direction. What if there was no more normal sex for me after Kaden? What if he had dragged me into his personal hell and I could no longer live without him because I had become a part of it, just as he had become a part of me?
Had it been the same with him? Had he just wanted to dip his toe in the water and then sunk hopelessly, looking for a needle in a haystack because he hadn't found a woman who could fulfill all his needs?
In spite of everything, his praise gave me a feeling of security. Once again he showed me how responsible he was. How attentive he was to me.
"Thank you," I mumbled after a while, bouncing up and down because I couldn't help but be distracted.
