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"Maybe I shouldn't have come here in the first place," I muttered instead of reacting to her revelation.
"I don't think that's how we should approach this."
"We?" I repeated.
"Okay, maybe you are prone to spontaneous depression. After all, I seem to have made a mistake." Her sarcastic reply made me smile, at least. It wasn't much, but it was more than I'd managed since I'd been here.
"I'm sorry. I wasn't aware that my feelings had been released for general discussion."
"Why don't you tell him? Nika, it's not the end of the world."
But Kaia had no idea. At least not when it came to the contract and everything connected with it. "Because he has told me on several occasions that he has no plans to ever love a woman."
"But he loves you. That's more than obvious."
"He wouldn't call it that."
"What then?"
"I don't know. I guess it's part of our wonderful friendship."
This time it was Kaia who snorted. "Friendship. Exactly. That's why he's always looking at you like he's about to put a ring on your finger."
"Ironically, that's exactly what he plans to do. Eventually. When I haven't succeeded in finding the right woman for him."
I felt Kaia's gaze on me, but I couldn't bring myself to turn my head, open my eyes and look at her.
"If you ask me, he found her a long time ago and is just too much of a stubborn idiot to realize it."
"It's not that I haven't tried to bring it up. But Kaden is damn sure of himself. He doesn't want to end up like your parents."
"I doubt very much that you would hit him. Or abuse him. And I can't imagine the other way around. He's just too affectionate. And attentive. Loving, if you want to take it to the extreme." Kaia knew her brother well, but unfortunately that didn't change the fact that there was a difference between what you could observe when you focused on Kaden and the reality he created for himself. "He hasn't spent as long with any woman over the years as he has with you. He hasn't looked at them, treated them or spent nearly as much time with them as with you. He never missed a meeting because of these women. He has never been late. And he never saw them at lunch. There were no trips or dates, and I didn't have anything to do with them either."
"So we're a good match. But that doesn't mean that, when he's already told me that he'll never change his principles, I can stay by his side, keep quiet and hope for the best."
"I can talk to him, Nika," she suggested confidently, but I shook my head.
"That won't be necessary. I should quit. Run for the hills. Leave him without an explanation so he won't think about coming after me."
"We both know you won't do that." Kaia sounded serious. And she was right. I was an adult, not a character from a romance film.
"Fine. Then I won't chicken out and leave. What do you suggest instead?"
Now, if she was going to wax lyrical about some grand romantic gesture that would make everything all right, I would probably consider drowning myself in the sea after all.
If there was one thing I wasn't, it was romantic. I could make grand, sexual gestures– because Kaden had taught me that you didn't have to be ashamed of what you wanted– but beyond that, the air was getting really thin. Why affirm your feelings and the love you felt when gestures and actions said more than that anyway?
And they had said a hell of a lot over the past few weeks, whether Kaden wanted to admit it or not.
"Back to my original question. You should just tell him. Play your cards close to your chest and hope for the best. You could still lose, of course, but you could just as well win. It would be worth it, wouldn't it?"
It felt like we were going round in circles. Over and over again, only to return to the point where there was no way around telling Kaden the truth, knowing it wasn't what he wanted. It was selfish to hope that he would change his mind– or even demand it, or push him in that direction so I would have the advantage and get what I wanted. In the end it was just a small thing, wasn't it? The only difference was that he felt the same way and admitted it. If I didn't say anything and he couldn't admit anything, all that was missing was that one official title.
But in this case I was manipulating myself so masterfully that I might as well make up a clown face and laugh at myself in the mirror.
I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and held it. Even though it didn't solve my problem, the pressure that settled in my chest after a few seconds felt good. It didn't make my head any clearer, but in the end it didn't matter.
Kaia was simply right. I had to tell him. Be honest with him and myself, and then find out what it meant. Where it led.
