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On the wayback to the resort, one thought followed the next. Not for a second did I have any peace from what was happening in my head. Back then, when Nikau had gone to Iowa the contact between us had come to an abrupt end because I didn't want to make things any harder for both of us. Everything had become easier as soon as I had started suppressing her existence and forgetting what I had suddenly missed in her absence. Irretrievably, because she would not just come back. I had to wait almost a decade for her to return. But the situation was different now, and a second time I would certainly not endure waiting for her, or sitting on my hands until she found a reason to come back to me. That was out of the question. I may have made a mistake with what I had said– but then I would make a whole lot more of them if it meant she would eventually come back and we could talk about the issue in a way that worked for both of us. All these thoughts were nothing more than a pathetic attempt to keep my bottomless panic under control. Because it was spreading further and further inside me, making it hell to breathe properly again. It had been out of affect. The only question was how we were going to solve this problem if Nikau did not want to see me. Part of me understood how hurt she was by my choice of words. Part of me wanted to slap her for being so stupid, but another part of me was just annoyed at the whole situation. We had been in such wonderful harmony for so long, never arguing and making each other feel good. Only to have it all fall apart because of a stupid misunderstanding, fuelled by the unrelenting panic inside me, my mother's voice still playing on a loop, trying to convince me to make the next mistake? But burying my head in the sand, throwing in the towel and giving up was not the answer. I just needed a few hours to collect myself and then I would find Nikau. Whether she wanted to or not. Kaia seemed to be an advocate of giving her the space she needed– but if her brain worked anywhere near as badly as mine, she'd run through hundreds of scenarios so far, and in none of them had I come out well– because she didn't know the truth, only the version she'd made up in her own mind. And by God, that was certainly not the version I would let her leave the island with.
That's why I was so surprised when I smelled her familiar scent as soon as I pushed open the door to my apartment and stepped inside. I frowned because that was not what I wanted in my nose. Not when she was hiding somewhere else and avoiding talking to me. To look me in the eye.
At least that's what I wanted to fixate on until my eyes fell on the open patio doors– and the woman sitting on one of the chairs. Waiting.
"You're here," I stated in utter disbelief. It wasn't my imagination, was it?
My legs carried me to the door, and when I stepped out, I wanted to grab her in my arms and apologize for what I had said, without thinking about how it might look.
"I am," Nikau replied, looking up at me and keeping her expression neutral.
That freaked me out even more than the fact that she was even here. "I thought you didn't want to see me."
"I don't. Because you just walked away and left me standing there," she muttered. "I hope the drive here from the airport was enough to teach you not to do that again."
"Because it feels like shit. I get it," I replied, grabbing the back of my neck.
Actually, we were just dancing around the issue that was bothering us both. But we didn't seem to have reached the point where we could meet in the middle and make sure we liked each other again.
She wrinkled her nose. "I never should have told you. Then this wouldn't have happened, and now I wouldn't have to worry about returning to Iowa or… I don't know. I haven't had time to think about it yet."
I raised an irritated eyebrow. Back to Iowa? Had this woman lost her mind? "You're not going anywhere, Nika," I growled, taking a step toward her before crouching down to be at eye level with her if she avoided looking up at me.
"I'm certainly not going to stick around and take all the emotional damage that would come with it."
I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and tried to calm my frayed nerves. In a voice that was far too calm, I finally answered her, "You're not going anywhere, Nika. You're not getting your ass off this island, off this resort, and certainly not out of this apartment. You're staying here, with me, by my side. And if that's not clear enough, then… I don't know. I need you to be with me."
"But you don't love me."
Instinctively, my fingers twitched, but I clenched them into a fist, swallowing the sensations threatening to rise again inside me. "You're wrong. I just can't say it because I keep hearing my mother's voice using it to justify everything she did," I explained. "And I certainly don't feel that way because you allow me to corrupt you and make you my perfect mate. These feelings have been there for a long time– it's just that I've always suppressed them so I wouldn't risk ending up in a similar position to my parents."
Which was ridiculous. I knew that now.
"I don't understand… we've always been best friends. You never seemed to be interested in me." I understood all the words that came out of her mouth, but they were still like a riddle.
"Asking you out would have meant losing you. Making myself so vulnerable would have meant that I probably would. Seeing you move to Iowa when we would have been anything but friends would probably have destroyed me. But making a deal with you to marry me one day…. That's as close as I could get."
"But you couldn't have known if I liked what you were into."
"Remember what you said then? Maybe I'll find someone who doesn't suit me at first sight. But the attraction is so strong that we develop into the people we need to be to have a future together."
She nodded hesitantly, "And you said I was your plan B."
I let out the breath I had been holding. "Actually, I didn't want to find anyone else. Secretly."
Every word I said cost me so much to overcome, because I was just waiting for the moment when my childhood would knock on the door again and take its toll.
"And at first glance, we weren't really a good match. But then you showed me that there was another side to me and who you could be; sometime between the day you showed up in Iowa and the date at the sex club, I fell in love with you," Nikau replied. "And then I got scared, because all this time you've been so vehement that nothing will ever change in your principles and love doesn't exist for you."
She was right, of course. Because I had said all that because it had never seemed like there was a realistic chance for us. In my world, I had done everything I could to ensure that she would end up being my wife and that I would get everything from her that was somehow possible within that framework. She fell in love with me and suddenly new ways opened up, just because I had drawn her into my darkness. I had never expected that.
"I'm an idiot, okay? We can agree on that if you want. But I don't think we would have made it this far ten years ago, no matter the circumstances." After all, we had both been young. Inexperienced. Wet behind the ears. And that being seperated for a few years hadn't damaged our friendship became clearer every second. We had picked up where we had left off and not a second had felt wrong. So there was nothing to regret. "So are you going to stay here or do I have to tie your ass to my bed and wait for that to convince you?"
Nikau made a face, a little annoyed at my choice of words. "And you didn't mean that you had to forget what I said?"
"I would never want to forget." Only what my brain had subsequently served up and made of it.
