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But when I thought about burying the kitsune mask and concentrating all my energy on Alexander, on our life together, and not doing anything else, I suddenly saw red. The streams had been the source of my mental health. Without them, my psyche would suffer, and I would slowly but surely fall into a hole from which I would never get out.
My whole life was a matter of pretending and doing other people's bidding. I allowed myself to be pushed around, to be ordered about, to be told what to do and what not to do. I was nothing more than a puppet to them. So it actively contributed to my survival when I cut the strings for a few hours and did what made me happy and fulfilled me in a way that nothing else could.
So the fact that Alexander was now indirectly asking me to give up everything so the wedding could still happen... a black hole opened in my chest. To be reasonable and to behave in the way everyone expected me to behave seemed to be the solution that would make everyone happy. Except for myself, of course.
As if he had nudged me with the question, I staggered back a step. Only after a few seconds did I manage to focus on him and fight the shrill whistling and roaring in my ears. Why did he dare to ask me to choose between the two?
"Alexander..." I began, the helplessness in my voice hard to ignore.
"No. Just answer the question. Would you give up everything for me? And make me forget, too?"
No matter what I answered, I would be the big loser. If I said yes, I lost myself. If I refused, the wedding was off. It was all my fault, even though it was his idea.
"You don't understand how important this is to me. For me, not to do it would be about the same as if I stopped breathing. You can't ask someone to do that." I was digging my own grave. Expecting a man like Alexander to understand something he didn't want to understand was futile.
He pursed his lips. "Well, then you seem to have made your decision. Which is a pity. After all, I just gave you a way out."
A way out or the last nail in my coffin? "If you really thought this would solve everything, maybe it's for the best."
That was not something I should have said to him either. The vein on his forehead stood out, accentuating the anger coursing through him.
When had we ever argued like this before? I could not remember.
"Let me give you some well-intentioned advice. Pack your things and get out of here before I change my mind and tell the assembled guests why the wedding is off. And above all, pray that your father doesn't tear your head off. Think of an excuse to keep me out of it, and then make sure you don't have to face me again. Your father, by the way, would be just as disgusted if he knew what his daughter was selling herself for."
My breath caught in my throat. "It's not like I'm being paid for sex!"
"Does that really make a difference, huh? I don't think so." Alexander shook his head. "And do us all a favor and find a psychiatrist. This should be the subject of treatment before there are real consequences."
My whole body tingled. Every fiber, every nerve ending.
"So that means the wedding is off, right?"
"Thanks to you, yes."
A weight lifted from my shoulders. "I'm sorry. I wish you hadn't found out."
Or to put it in other words, because of the way Alexander had heard about it, it was no wonder he felt absolute disgust. In fact, I was just trying to convince myself to believe what I had just heard.
He didn't bother to answer, so I stumbled over to my bag and grabbed everything I could.
He shook his head as I headed for the door. "You're not going out the front door."
"What?"
"No one is going to get to see the bride run out of the church."
"But..."
"The window, Audrey. You will go out the window, you will wait in the park next door for your taxi to come, and then you will disappear discreetly."
"But my parents..."
"Make up an excuse. Stay at the hotel. I don't know. In any case, don't be at home today so I can speak with Matthew about what to do before anything leaks."
For a few seconds, I simply gazed at him. Just because he didn't want to marry me anymore didn't mean he would give up his desired inheritance.
"You realize no one knows about this but you and me, right? If something were to leak..."
