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"It will not. He's an idiot."
"But it's a blow to you," I said.
"Why talk about that so damn much, Lei?"
I pursed my lips. "Because it's okay to have feelings. Maybe having sex with your dad's best friend hours later is a strategy. Only I'm afraid it won't work forever. Eventually you're going to have to deal with it."
As best she could, Audrey shook her head. "But not now. So strike again. Maybe then I'll be able to feel what you've been trying to make me feel all this time."
Although I hesitated, not being used to following another person's instructions and considering this approach highly questionable, I did it. Immediately afterward, however, I let my hand rest on the reddened area so the pain would pass more quickly.
On her part, I expected at least a hiss, a soft yelp, but all I got was her labored breathing, largely due to the position she was in.
"Do it again."
"Letting me hit you isn't the solution I was alluding to either," I murmured, but followed her instructions again.
"Why do you keep pausing? Must I command your every single stroke?"
My eyes narrowed on their own. She couldn't be serious. Hesitantly, I let my hand whip across her ass, several times in a row. I couldn't help but notice how she clenched her teeth and her skin turned redder and redder. Heating up.
Until it became clear to me what it really was. This was not some sudden discovery of masochistic tendencies. Audrey was punishing herself, and probably all the more determinedly because her body was her failure and her betrayal.
I paused. I shook my head. "You hurt yourself, don't you? To punish yourself. Because there is a small part of you that thinks it might be right."
"Didn't you just want me to handle it? So go ahead and do it."
"No."
"Just do it, Lei," she pleaded, "or do I have to find someone else who can?"
Suddenly, everything inside me froze. "Red," I said in a quiet but firm voice. "That's enough. I won't do you any harm just because you don't have any other way to deal with what's been building up inside of you."
Determined, I bent over her, untied her wrists, and brought her into an upright position. My fingers automatically cupped her chin as I forced her to make eye contact. I could already see the tears in her eyes, but that didn't stop me from saying what was on my mind.
"If I hit you, I want you to like it, not use it as self-punishment, Audrey. Not a word of what he said is true. Do you know how much I've admired you over the years? What an effect you've had on me? And how many times I've wished other women had a fraction of your confidence about sex and their bodies? I don't care what your preferences are, where your interests lie, or what you might be into. But not because it doesn't matter or because I find any of it repulsive. I want you to have fun. To be able to enjoy yourself. I want you to experience pleasure and excitement and to get to know yourself so well that you can voice with confidence what you like and what you don't like. I don't judge. I accept, and take pleasure in being the one to make these things a reality for you. Trust is the keyword here. What you used to have with him, he has destroyed. But that doesn't affect us– or the fact that I'm willing to give you whatever you need from me. If it serves your healing. And is not made to cut deeper into an already existing wound."
It was crucial to choose those words to make her understand. And although I didn't expect it to make a difference at first, I was proven wrong.
Instead of pulling away from me and putting up walls I couldn't possibly overcome, Audrey reached out to me when the first tear broke out of the corner of her eye.
"Go easy on me," she begged, "and I'd like it if I wasn't the only one naked."
I let go of her, but she didn't let go of me. Still, I got rid of my clothes, though not in the direction we had started.
"What now?"
"Get under the covers with me, hold me close and ignore that I'm crying."
Shaking my head, I pulled back the covers. "That last part is not an option, Audrey."
She rolled her eyes with a laugh that sounded almost a little desperate. "Fine. Then don't ignore it."
After sinking onto the bed, I pulled her into my arms before covering us both. I held her so close that there was absolutely nothing between us. "You can cry, you can scream, you can keep destroying that dress. We can eat ice cream, watch a movie, go swimming. Whatever you want. But don't ignore what's important right now."
"But you wouldn't want to sleep with me right now, after I've soaked the whole bed with my tears?" she murmured against my chest.
Although she couldn't see it, I raised my eyebrows. "I never said that."
