Page 27 of F*ck You in My Head


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"So you've just decided that you don't want to get married to the man you've been dating for years and have the wedding that's been in the planning for over a year?"

I bit my tongue. "Obviously I did."

I wanted to tell him I would have married his favorite son-in-law if things had gone differently. If he hadn't reproached me for my preferences, if he hadn't called me crazy, if he hadn't kicked me out of the church. I would have pulled myself together– for the sake of my parents, especially my father, who had wanted this wedding so Alexander would finally become part of the family.

"And did you have a reason? A good reason? Or is it just one of your whims?"

Again there was the desire to just tell him Alexander had made the decision.

"It wasn't a whim. I just can't marry a man who obviously can't give me what I need."

Perplexed, he stared at me. "And this came to you... ten minutes before the ceremony?"

"Just in time, I would say."

It was not easy for me to lie to my father. It was a necessary lie, but it was still a lie. Even though I doubted he would understand the truth, it just felt wrong. Even to my mother, I could not say a word about what had really happened. How was that supposed to look?Mom, I'm streaming on the Internet– half-naked and with clearly sexual content. Sure, I'm wearing a mask, but my fiancée found out anyway and now finds me disgusting and treats me like a criminal.She would probably shake me for the first part of the sentence. Or kill me. I wasn't quite sure.

But the deep sarcasm that accompanied the answers to my father was just as dangerous. I closed my eyes and sat down on the stairs. Surely he had to understand that his daughter couldn't be in a marriage with someone who wasn't a hundred percent her cup of tea. Didn't he? Any father would understand that if he had the slightest interest in his child's happiness.

But instead of bridging the distance and giving me the emotional support I needed, he kept his distance and looked at me as if I had lost my mind. He was probably also considering sponsoring a one-way ticket to the nearest mental hospital.

"Alexander would have made an effort in the future. He's not a bad man, after all," he replied. But the desperation in his voice was not directed at me, but at the son-in-law and heir he was about to lose.

The discussion would be fruitless, that much was certain. "No, of course he's not a bad man. But he's obviously not the man I want to grow old with. Do you think I would have dumped him yesterday if I thought there was a chance that it might turn out that way?"

"Did he give you a reason?"

This was my chance. To tell the truth, to come clean and hope for the best. I could tell him it was all Alexander's fault, and at first he would probably believe me. Until he remembered who we were talking about and that his preferred successor made no mistakes.

So I swallowed the possibility. "He didn't do anything wrong, if that's what you want to know."

"I still don't understand how you got on this track so suddenly. It's like someone flipped a switch. Are you sure there's nothing wrong with you?"

If he asked me next if I might be pregnant and it was just hormones playing tricks on me, I would jump for the ceiling.

"You don't have to look for any other reason than the one I just gave you, okay? It's my fault. I made the decision, Alexander took the right consequences, and now we can all move on."

But I could see in his eyes that there would be no normal continuation. I felt uneasy.

"Do you know how much money this wedding cost us? For nothing?"

Once again, I wanted to make a sarcastic comment, but this time, I refrained. I really shouldn't go too far right now.

"I'm really disappointed in you, Audrey. You're my daughter, but it's hard for me to look at you right now. Alexander was supposed to be my heir, but if I appoint him now, there will be nothing left in the family. Do you realize what that means?"

I took a deep breath and bowed my head. "That my next husband will be your heir? Or that you now have no choice but to include me?"

If I could do some damage control with that, I would– even though he had never before shown any ambition to train me in his company or give me the slightest overview of what he actually did.

He shook his head. "I don't think any of this is an option. You should leave for a few days. You haven't shown your face for the last twenty-four hours either..."

"Because I needed to clear my head."

"You? What about Alexander, who had to take care of the guests? Or your mother and me? We embarrassed ourselves in front of many friends."

I clenched my teeth to control myself. He could hardly be serious. Poor Alexander. He had told me he wouldn't have minded if I had cheated on him, but he had big problems with my anonymous Internet presence.

"You want me to move out?!"

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