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"Exactly. And if I were you, I'd speak with Alexander. The poor guy is all messed up."
No– no, he wasn't. I knew that it was not him who had been affected. His reaction was solely because I was practicing something he didn't know anything about.
"Honestly, I don't think that is a good idea." Anyway, I had nothing to say to him at the moment. And I didn't think he'd make an appointment to speak with me, either, because it was too awkward for him. And too unnecessary.
It wasn't like he was going to change his mind all of a sudden. And I would not forget last night so quickly. So no matter how you looked at it, in the end we wouldn't find each other again.
"Then you should live somewhere else until it seems like a good idea."
At this repetition of his original statement, I finally stood up. "Okay. All right. I'll move out. You know how to get in touch with me."
Snorting, he turned away. "Do I? I haven't heard a sound from you in the last twenty-four hours."
"No one has. And if you think I did this to insult anyone, you're more than wrong."
He shrugged, as if it didn't matter what I said anyway. "Pack your things. Nothing is going to change about that."
* * *
I half expectedto find my part of the villa in absolute chaos. The opposite was true. Alexander's constant presence could not be overlooked. Apparently there was more than one reason for my sudden departure. When I opened the closet, not a single piece of his clothing was missing. I wrinkled my nose, grabbed the gym bag, and started throwing clothes in randomly before thinking about what else I needed. I cleared out my drawer in the bathroom and finally reached for my laptop, which lay untouched on the desk. Well, not quite untouched, because Alexander had searched it and discovered my secret.
I found the remains of the camera in the trash. That in itself was a declaration of war, but I ignored it, as well as the stab in my chest I felt when I looked at the pile of junk. It wasn't enough for him to approach me verbally. No, he had to destroy what I cared about as well.
Pissed off, I got on my knees, fished under the bed for the nondescript cloth bag and pulled it out. Without looking inside, I threw it on top of the gym bag and the other things I definitely couldn't leave without.
Finally, I sat on the bed, rested my arms on my thighs, and closed my eyes. Just for a few seconds, I told myself. My shaky exhalation betrayed me.
As much as I wanted to push all this away, it was getting to me. I tried to push Alexander away, while at the same time looking for an excuse that would allow me not to let Lei get any closer to me.
It would be an outright lie if I said Alexander and I hadn't had fun over the past few years. While he was away from work, we traveled around the world, did things together, and basically got along well. Without that foundation, nothing would have happened. But I also remembered one conversation we had. Years ago, during our early days, when we did not know each other well and many things were still unknown. My curiosity had prevailed and I had asked him if he had any particular preferences. His look had spoken volumes without a word leaving his lips.
So it was clear that I could not tell him about mine. And that had been fine as long as I was able to meet those needs myself. I had taken care of everything– only to forget to put the camera away. If that hadn't been a damned shot in my own foot...
Grossly negligent behaviour, for which I should punish myself, but would not, because I already had to move out and so would obviously have enough time for myself in the coming days.
Quite a wonderful thing. And because I really wanted to punish myself, I didn't go to a hotel, but would stay in the bookstore's storeroom until I felt ready to deal with certain issues.
Trying to talk to Alexander was just as pointless as I had described to my father. Nothing would change the situation; there was no way back. Nevertheless, I grabbed a pen and a piece of paper and scribbled an apology that he didn't really deserve.
Why did I have to apologize for my preferences? He obviously didn't find anything wrong with the streams and my secret as such, but only with the fact that I had something to gain from such a presentation. So apologizing for it would have no effect, because I would not suddenly stop doing it.
Quite the contrary in fact. Through Lei, I had realized I had not delved nearly deep enough and that there was a whole world of kinks to explore that had remained hidden from me because I thought I had been on my own.
Nevertheless, I put the apology on the pillow and got up. By now it was also clear that Mom would not show up to talk to me about what had happened. The last time that had happened was when I was sixteen. We had argued, fought, and not spoken for several days. Something told me it would be similar this time and that nothing would ever be the same again.
The small voice in the back of my head told me that this might not be so bad, but I did not want to give this thought any more importance.
I looked around for the last time. I wondered if I shouldn't stay and fight for myself instead of letting it all pass me by, even though I was definitely being treated unfairly. What should I fight for? My reputation, which had not yet been damaged beyond the fact that I had changed my mind about getting married? To reveal that Alexander had been the one to break up the wedding?
No matter how I twisted it, in the end my secret would see the light of day. I was not ready for that. Within twenty-four hours, two men had been confronted with it and both had reacted completely differently.
With Lei I could talk about it, he was understanding. With Alexander it was like jumping out of a plane without a parachute and relying on him to catch me. Which he wouldn't do, because he didn't approve of the whole thing. With Lei, I had been able to live out that side of me. With Alexander, I had to hide it and bury it deep inside me. Two such different experiences.
Both would make me think, and would accompany me for quite a while, because I would not find peace with what had happened.
The inner conflict held me captive. I was happy the wedding did not take place, but I felt more and more lost. This room, this place was my refuge. My absolute sanctuary. With a few exceptions, I had never lived anywhere else because it was not necessary. So leaving it now for an indefinite period of time, knowing Alexander would stay here because my parents had obviously chosen a side, gave me a sharp stab.
Finally, I got up, picked up my bag from the floor, and grabbed the other things I needed. Then I left the room. I didn't meet anyone on my way out. Not my mother. Not my father. Not even any of the staff. It was as if they all avoided meeting my eyes because I had betrayed them.
