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"It just occurred to me that I can't remember ever seeing you this happy in front of a mirror," he said, a hint of pride in his voice. I turned to him, held out my arms and turned around once to show that it was indeed me.
"You don't tell me what to eat or what to wear. Instead, you just support me in all the decisions I make. Of course I'm happy. How could I not be?" I didn't need to mention that he was spoiling me with this behavior and providing a safe place for me to grow, which was long overdue.
It even faded into the background that I hadn't taken my mask out in a long time, let alone been in the right mindset for a stream. Mentally, I had played with the idea a few times, but finally dismissed it.
The platform did not run away from me, nor did the audience. Maybe, after all that had happened, it was just too early to put my foot in those waters again. Besides, I couldn't get rid of the idea of bringing Lei in front of the camera and showing how it could look when a man is completely at a woman's feet– without losing his dominant role.
"I want you to continue to take all the time you need. Until you're completely comfortable and at a point where you feel ready. For whatever comes after."
I held out my hand determinedly. There was certainly a long list of things that would come my way. Situations I would have to face and decisions I would have to make.
But for now, I was in a safe bubble that would not burst for a while.
"It's a mystery to me where you get all this patience, Lei, but I'm more than grateful for it. There's no one else I'd rather have close to me right now." I looked at him with a twinkle in my eye. "And the sex is quite a bonus, if you ask me."
There was more. Things I only wanted to see and acknowledge with half an eye, because I knew what it would mean if I saw them for what they really were. How quickly my body had gotten used to not only knowing his proximity at night, no. I had gotten used to Lei wrapping himself around me, his arms holding me, his breathing automatically matching mine. I needed the warmth he radiated and the security that lay in the whole gesture.
When he brushed my head, woke me gently or looked over, thinking I wouldn't notice. All these little things did not escape me. But I chose to ignore them for the time being. Until the moment I was ready.
Lei
Normally, I would lie by the pool, enjoy a drink and the peace and quiet of the surroundings. It was nothing like the beach. There was always people coming and going. Privacy was more than a foreign word in a place like this, and if you wanted a drink, you had to bring it yourself.
Still, I couldn't bring myself to complain about it, because it meant I could watch Audrey as she walked along the beach in her skimpy bikini. Every now and then she would bend down, pick something up and then continue walking. Eventually she disappeared between the waves, chatting with a surfer. I was in the middle of some work, checking some important documents on the tablet, but my eyes were always on her.
I just couldn't bring myself to look away. This was not a completely new phenomenon, but it had become much more intense since she spent so much time around me. I had always controlled it subconsciously. I'd make sure it didn't become too much or seem strange. The fascination had taken a different form when I discovered her secret. Now it was clear that it had never been just a fascination. Interest in her. Her well-being. What was going on inside her head. The stories that lurked behind her eyes and made sure she enjoyed my undivided attention.
I had done myself a great disservice with my restraint over the years. I could no longer deny it when I thought about how easy it was to accept her presence and adapt to what she needed.
That's why there was that small, nasty voice in the back of my mind, constantly reminding me that I was just a station in her life before she moved on to find her true happiness. I didn't want to believe those thoughts, but her easygoing, carefree nature didn't make it any simpler to look with confidence at something that couldn't be avoided in the future.
Maybe I hadn't been like her. That I hadn't fallen head over heels in love one summer and then trained myself out of those feelings, convinced that they wouldn't lead anywhere anyway. It had been a gradual process that I hadn't acknowledged. Maybe it had started at the Halloween party, when we kissed in the dark hallway without her knowing who she was kissing?
Or had it been a few weeks later at Thanksgiving, when her family's cook had fallen ill and we had taken over the regime to save the holiday? Or maybe Christmas, when Matthew had invited me over that evening, and it had been she who had opened the door for me, with that happy expression and that dark green dress that had looked so good on her? I could still remember how I had made a joke about the mistletoe and how she had taken a step toward me before Matthew had called for me and ruined the situation. I had never given it a second thought until now. Now I saw the irony for myself. The list could go on and on. With New Year's Eve and New Year's Day, for example. And even later, when Alexander had appeared in the picture, there had still been those moments. That magic that was hard to put into words and yet had taken on an important role without me giving it the attention it deserved.
Audrey and I had never really spent time together, but life had thrown us together all the same. We had become good friends, exchanging advice from time to time, enjoying the quiet of the night together when the party in the house became too much.
In the end, all the roads we had seen but not taken had led to where we were now. Only none of it was supposed to happen under the guise of afakerelationship.
I caught myself still watching her. Audrey had not only been interesting to me because of her streams and the mystery behind them. It had never been just the forbidden that had attracted and appealed to me– otherwise this interest in her would surely have disappeared by now– but so much more. Now it felt like someone was pulling the rug out from under me, because the possibility that she would sooner or later slip through my fingers like the fucking sand on this beach suddenly felt so real.
Of course, I could go on the offensive and try to convince her otherwise, but nothing was further from my mind than manipulating her in this way. After all, I wanted nothing more for her than to find what she was looking for– and had not had in her life for so long because she had let other people define her.
When Audrey walked toward me, I automatically dismissed these thoughts. Without further ado, she sat down on the lounger between my legs and slid up enough to kiss me.
"You are aware that you are an eye-catcher on this beach, right? Some women are staring. And I've caught some men, too." She sounded amused, not jealous at all. "I wonder if kissing you will be enough to make them stop."
The question of whether she just didn't care was at least settled. Casually, I lifted her legs over my thighs and pulled her even closer to me. There were certainly better places for Audrey to sit on my lap, but I wasn't going to complain.
Instead, I put a hand on the back of her neck and pulled her close for another kiss. One was hardly enough to send a clear message, was it? Maybe I should make it even clearer and have her in front of everyone... I forced the thought back to where it came from– I couldn't keep her on my lap as a screen forever.
"Who are we proving anything to right now?" she murmured against my lips, her gaze locked with mine.
"Proving? I'm just kissing my girlfriend to erase their thought of having even the slightest chance of getting you."
Audrey
It was impossible for Lei to be serious. With folded arms, I stood in front of the signpost that marked the way to the extinct volcano. I liked the nature of the island, the different vegetation and the variety that came with it. But I did not like putting my life in danger.
