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I had never seen him interact with anyone the way he interacted with me. Probably that alone was the answer to my question, but I couldn't help but notice that almost everything right now was designed to help me. Some of it was less obvious than what was happening today, but for the most part I still recognized it for what it was. And I was so incredibly grateful to Lei for it that I could hardly put it into words. How could I?
I bit my tongue before catching up to him and putting my arm around him. "Okay. I'll try. But promise me you'll catch me if I fall."
"Actually, it's the rope that keeps you from falling but I'm on the other end. A counterbalance, if you will."
I couldn't help but grin. Of course, he was enlightening me as to how it really was, and he had merely used a metaphor. How could it be any different?
* * *
With a firm grip,Lei tightened the strap around my waist, I felt it digging into my skin through my clothes. It was supposed to feel uncomfortable, but it made me feel more secure. Even though it was ridiculous, because the simple strap that went around my middle and twice around my thighs wouldn't make me feel comfortable. Neither did the helmet he placed on my head. After a second he took it off.
"Turn around," he said. In the same second, he reached into my hair and braided it with quick movements. "So it doesn't fly in your face," he explained.
For several seconds, I could do nothing but stand still in front of him, wondering why I felt tears welling up in my eyes just because he was proving once again that I was important to him. That he cared about me, even in a situation like this, when it would have been easy to make myself a loose ponytail and then reach for my helmet.
Instead, I held still while he fixed the braid and then let him turn me around. This time, he not only put the helmet on, but also closed it under my chin before checking to make sure it was properly fastened.
"Okay, perfect. The way up is actually easy. The guide rope is in place, the pitons in the rock are checked. All you have to do is go up and check the belay in between. The other end of the rope stays down with me, and if you fall, you'll hit the harness, but nothing else will happen. And if you want, I'll tell you exactly what to do," Lei spoke, and I looked sideways at the rock and the wall I was about to climb vertically. Just as I looked up, I felt a slight pang of nausea. It disappeared immediately, but the sinking feeling in my stomach remained.
Things didn't get any better with Lei's next sentence.
"Any last words?"
I nodded and looked at him. "Yes. If I don't make it to the top alive, I'll kill you."
"And how are you going to do that?" Amused, he looked at me.
"I'll come back as a zombie. And then I'll gnaw on you until you become one too. Then you'll be condemned to endure me for all eternity."
Instead of answering, he led me closer to the rock and placed my hands on the first two ledges. "But would that really be a damnation?" he murmured, I pulled myself up the first foot to avoid having to find an answer to that question.
Lei took a few steps back so he could get a good look at me and I started to find the way up. Actually, it wasn't hard to see the route, and in principle, there was little room for error if I simply did what Lei had told me to do.
Nevertheless, the sinking feeling in my stomach persisted and haunted me until there was thirty feet between me and the ground. All this time, Lei had not said a word, but now I looked at him.
"What's the view like from down there?" I called out, which at least caused him to grin suggestively. I would have been surprised if he had not paid attention to my ass during the climb.
"You're doing fine. But you're still a long way from the halfway point."
Shaking my head, I turned back to the rock and continued to work my way up. The thought that only the harness, the rope, and Lei's presence were keeping me from a fatal fall frightened me. But not as much as the fact that I trusted myself enough to attempt this climb in the first place.
It wasn't like I worked out regularly and had any form of strength to speak of. I could already feel every muscle in my body, and yet something like ambition had set in. Not because I wanted to prove it to Lei. No, I needed to prove to myself that I could carry myself in the figurative sense, but also in the literal sense.
If my grip slipped or my fingers gave way, I would fall backward like a punching bag and make a fool of myself, especially in front of myself. Anyone could climb this wall. Some even did it without any equipment. So I would make it, too.
I just had to close my eyes and believe in myself. Which was easier said than done, because I had my own problems with believing in myself.
For years, I had not even trusted myself enough to communicate my desires and goals. I had silently accepted that other people ran my life and told me what to do. Simply because I never even dreamed that I would come close to deciding for myself.
The last couple of weeks had shown me all too clearly just how relatively good that was. I finally had air to breathe and could move freely. No one was amused by my ambitions or told me what I could do. If no rules were set for you, no limits were set, you automatically made sure that there were some. The ones you felt comfortable with and could live with.
Every day I grew, I got to know myself, and most importantly, I got used to not apologizing for myself. For the first time, I allowed the people around me to see who I really was. Without having to pretend or follow the rules someone else had made for me.
And how refreshing it was to realize that there was not one person trying to tell me what I could or could not be. No one took the liberty of judging me for something or stopping things that were as much my own as my nose.
Once again, I looked down at Lei. With each passing minute, the distance between us grew, but the beauty of it was that when I reached the top, all I had to do was wait for him, and he would undoubtedly follow me.
But it wasn't just since I moved in with him. Long before that one night that set everything in motion, Lei had been inclined to treat me differently. He had never been blinded by the facade, but had seen what was behind it.
