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That was kind of what I’d thought when I’d tried to guess in my head. “Which is when? How many months are you from this date that will make you, in your mind, geriatric?”
His grin was worth the joke. “Ten months.”
“Well, there you go. I don’t think that’s why they don’t like you. They were there when you threw me out of the restaurant.”
He tilted his head. “Well, that’ll do it.”
“Hey, maybe it makes sense to go to my gym. We’re on my side of town now. Come with me to mine. It’s closer.”
“Sure.” He nodded to the building as we pulled up. “This your place?”
“It is.”
When he moved to open the door, I stopped him. “No, they have to open it.”
He shook his head fast. “Not for me. They can stand in front of you and let you out, but I’m not going to sit here while they rush around opening doors for me. I’ll never be able to show my face at home again. Besides, nothing is going to happen to you when I’m around. I’m not without my own skills, I assure you of that.”
I opened and closed my mouth. What was I supposed to say to that? Max jumped out, but Theo helped me the way he usually did, and I met up with Max on the sidewalk. “Wouldn’t want to undermine your male ego.”
He laughed, throwing his head back. “Fair enough, Hope. Call me on my bullshit, but it’s mine and I’ll own it.”
“Come on.” I walked inside, nodding to the doorman. I had a list of people who were allowed up—my security team and my sisters. I’d added Zeke. Not that he’d ever been to my apartment, nor did I expect him to come. Layla wouldn’t either, most likely. They were going to stay in their vineyard and raise their family. I was sure Noah wouldn’t be their last baby.
We took the elevator to my apartment, and I let us in. I’d no sooner closed the door than the need hit me. I hadn’t thought about it, but bringing him into my apartment meant that I was going to have to deal with my need to lock my own door over and over again in front of him.
“Wow. That’s a view.” He walked to my window, and I tried to breathe. It wasn’t going to work, but I tried.
When I had to lock and lock again and again, it was as though my brain simply couldn’t move on until I did. I rushed to the lock. I had to. I just had to. I clicked the lock. Again. And then again. Four times. And then I swung around. He’d turned to look at me, but he didn’t say anything.
I’ll just pretend nothing happened. “Give me two seconds to change.”
Max nodded. “Sure.”
By the time I’d gotten to my closet, I had to wipe at my tears.This is over now. I never showed anyone my need to lock. I’d thought about showing Layla, even invited her to stay with me so that we could be open about it, but she had gone to Washington instead. I got it. Layla had more than earned her life.
But the first person to see it was Max, who would probably not be out there when I got back from changing. I threw my clothes on and put on my happy face. I was good at this—cry, then fake that I hadn’t. I’d been doing it my whole life. I splashed water on my face, threw on my yoga pants, and my tank top that made a witty remark about day drinking, and headed back out.
Max stood staring atSeptember.“I can’t decide if I should be sad or not looking at this painting.”
He’d read it correctly, and he was still there, which said something. “I’m sure she meant it to be.
“You know the painter?”
“It was my mother’s. She’s dead.”
I had to unlock the door I’d just exposed myself locking.This is a terrible idea.
7
My gym was always a who’s who of the Upper East Side. I couldn’t speak for the other neighborhoods of town, but I knew there was one just like it on the Upper West that did nearly the same things. I supposed I should know the names of all the gyms. Maybe I could drum up more people to invite to my gatherings. I had to think like this all the time.
I ran as hard as I could on the treadmill, which wasn’t a particularly impressive feat. I wasn’t an athlete. Since college, it seemed like everyone I knew had become a runner, including my sister. But the more I tried, the more I hated it. I wasn’t going to be running 5ks, let alone marathons. I was not an athlete, and this wasn’t pretty.
In the meantime, I ignored the fact that I was there with Max. He ran on the treadmill next to me, ear buds in his ears, and he didn’t even seem out of breath, despite the fact that he ran twice as fast as me. It was pathetic really how bad at this I was.
I had another minute in me, and then I was going to have to call it a day. The lack of sleep wasn’t helping either. I had too much to do to be so exhausted. I might break a rule and take a pill to put away the not sleeping problem for one night. I didn’tlike how I felt afterward, though. Being so deeply asleep, I was out of control worried me too. Of course, that was ridiculous. I lived in a building with a doorman and had the added benefit of security, who sat outside the building the whole time. No one was getting in my apartment. I could take a pill and be fine.
But my anxiety wasn’t reasonable and never had been.
