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I stared at him. “You think staying conscious will become a struggle?”
“The pain meds will knock you out. That’s okay. Both bullets went straight through. That is very, very good news, Hope. I am so sorry about this. Despite what Max said, it’s my fault not his.”
I laughed, which was strange considering that absolutely fucking nothing was funny. “This is my fault. But we got Tim. That was the point.”
Michael paced back and forth. I wasn’t sure where he went when he wasn’t near us, but he kept coming and going.
My head felt woozy, like gravity wasn’t right. “Am I going to die?” I had to ask. Not finding out wouldn’t make it any less true.
“No,” Max answered, and I rolled my eyes at him. He was the least likely person there to know. Still, I decided to believe him. Maybe the painkillers were hitting me fast.
Mitch touched my undamaged shoulder. “Rest. Lie back. Deep breaths. If you pass out, that’s okay. When you wake up, we’ll be in Germany.”
Why were we going there? I almost asked, then I decided I didn’t care. Germany was lovely this time of year. I’d actually lived there for a while.
Max was pretty much all I could see then, except for Michael when he would come into view before he disappeared again.
There were things he had to know if I was going to die. I’d thought to take them to death, but maybe it was better to just get it out. Let him understand how things had been, so that he understood I hadn’t meant it, but why I had to make it better.
“Max.” I lifted my hand, and he took it. “I want to tell you something.”
He scooted a chair over to sit with me as the plane hit turbulence. I winced. That hurt, despite the fact that I wasn’t particularly feeling anything much right then. “It’s truth time, is it? That’s the drugs, baby.”
I didn’t know what any of that meant. “Five years ago, I was dating Shawn Callihan Jr.”
Max tilted his head. “Oh, that senator’s son. Sure. I know the one. Big on family values.” Yes, funny he was known for that, really, but I had no inclination to laugh. “He was my first boyfriend. I was nineteen. A virgin.” I had been sort of proud of it, not because I placed any judgement on when women decided to have sex for the first time or not. My pride came from valuing myself in some way, from having agency about who would touchme and who wouldn’t. “I guess I wasn’t getting with the program fast enough.”
His face fell. He’d already looked pale and hard, but somehow, he became more of both. “Hope,” he said as he stroked my hair. “Fuck.”
“Drugged me. I don’t remember much except the sense of what was happening. The sense that he raped me. The sense that he let his friends touch and play with me in the back of a bar. When I came to, I pulled up my underpants and left.”
Michael’s face appeared then, angry, hard. Max pushed him back a bit. That was a strange interaction. What was happening?
“I…I just got on with things. Asked my cousin in the State Department for help. He wasn’t interested in helping. Shawn’s family is untouchable. He can, however, produce oranges and onions.” I laughed at my own joke. “I was pregnant, but I wouldn’t know that for weeks. That night outside your restaurant—”
He cut me off. “You don’t have to do this.”
“Let me finish. I don’t even remember being there. The doctors used lots of big words about the total blankness that is that time for me. Just a total and complete blank. Pretty sure I was puking because of the baby. Losing the baby, almost bled to death—that is how I got some help. Then they sent me away. To a spa, they told everyone, even my sisters. When I came back, I was expected to be fine again. So I’ve been pretending ever since.”
Max breathed hard. In and out. I could hear each breath, as though they were audible, as though he struggled to breathe past the weight of my words. “I…”
Once again, I stopped him. Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew the meds were working, that I might not get this out. I had to finish before I couldn’t, before being in my right mind, whatever that meant, told me I had to keep this to myself.“But I can’t remember what I did. Didn’t know until I saw the video. Watched it over and over until I can recite every line. I can feel remorse, even though I can’t remember any of it. I know that I did it. I ruined your life, and I have to try to fix it. Like I had to get Tim. I have to. The things I do, plowing through life, with no regard for the mess I leave everywhere? I can’t allow it to continue. Someday, when I die alone in some Upper East Side apartment eaten by my cats, I have to know that things weren’t worse in this world just because I lived in it.”
He rose, bending even closer, his hand remaining in my hair. “Hope.” He said my name and then paused like it was hard to get out the words. “I’ve seen many brave things in my life, most of which I can’t speak about. Twice today, you have stolen my breath by the sheer force of your strength and courage. Saving this boy? Like this? People don’t do this, sweetheart. They don’t. They don’t send fruit to a stranger because they have to make amends. You consistently take my breath away. There isn’t anything else you have to do in this lifetime. You do not owe the world something for allowing you to exist in it. I think at this point, the world owes it to you.”
That was so nice of him to say and the last thing I heard before the medicine swept me under to a dreamless sleep.
I woke up to the sound of beeping. That was what registered first. My eyelids were weighted down. It took energy I wasn’t sure I had to wrench them open. I was hot, itchy. What was happening?
“I think she’s waking up.” Layla’s voice. It was low, soothing. “Hopey? Can you hear me?”
I nodded, or tried to nod. Finally, I managed to look at my sister. She sat on the edge of a hospital bed. I was in the bed. It was like my brain thought in short sentences. One thought, then the next, nothing adding up together in a sequence that made any sense.
“There she is.” This time it was Bridget. She wiped my hair off my forehead. “You scared us, sweetheart. Got an infection, and you’ve been battling it. Can you hear me now?”
My mouth was dry. “Give her this.”Max.I couldn’t see him, but he must have handed Layla the glass of water with the straw that was soon in my mouth.
I sipped. “Hot.”
