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“Zeke, I’ve been very unfair to you.”
He wiped at my tears with his thumbs. “How so?”
“I fell in love with you when I was thirteen. Or, well I had a big crush. Since the boat. You came, saw Dad. Knew who I was when the nanny didn’t. I fell over in love the way teenagers do. And I’ve built you up in my mind. I used to touch myself thinking about you when you didn’t know I was alive.” Fuck. I was really saying this. “You don’t want the things I do. You saw me perfectly. House. White picket fence. Husband. Kids. That’s me. That’s not what you want, so even if you love me, I can’t ask you to stretch that far. It’s fundamentally unreasonable for either of us to expect the other to alter who we are for the convenience of the other person.”
He stared at me a very long time. I’d lost him. I’d told all my secrets, and they were too much. I’d known it, and I’d done it anyway because there came a time you said what you wanted and you lived your truth, or you lived to regret it. I wouldn’t compromise on some things, and I wouldn’t expect him to.
“Okay. But does it have to be a white picket fence? I never cared for the look.”
I sucked in a breath. “Are you listening? I just told you that we don’t match in the future. We should stop now.”
“We do. I didn’t want babies. That’s true. But they were just some hypothetical children I didn’t know. I want your babies. Our babies. As many as you want. And I want…” He caught his own breath. “I want to be a really good dad. Someone is going to have to help me with that. I have no role model. Mine was never there ever. But maybe I could do it. If you think I could make a good father to your children, I want that, too.”
Was this really happening? “Are you for real, Zeke?”
“I am. One hundred percent in. I love you, Layla.” I let him kiss me because I had to. Because it was the absolute most important thing in the world right then. I had to be kissed by him, and I kissed him back until my head spun and I might faint.
I pulled back to hold on to him. “Sorry, dizzy.”
His gaze went from hazy and heated to concerned in a second. “What’s wrong?”
“I have no appetite. I’m just a little lightheaded.”
He scooped me up in his arms. “I’m going to bring you back inside. You need to get well, find your strength. And I will wait right here in the car. If you can come out once a day to see me, I will be more than happy. If you can’t, I get that too. I’ll wait for you.”
“No.” I shook my head. “I’m not losing you now. They’re going to let you in. I’m going to make them. Dad can’t control things anymore.”
He certainly wasn’t going to put any more wedges between Zeke Scott and me. I wouldn’t allow it. I didn’t know what our future would look like, but I wanted it. With him. Starting now.
I had to get better. That was fundamentally true. I’d been through hell, but I needed him with me to do that. His presence would help, not hinder.
So enough of that bullshit. Dad didn’t get to say.
In the end, they let him in because I presented the idea that Dad might not be able to pay his bill, and Zeke offered to see to it that it was taken care of. Amazing how that worked.
21
“Here.” Zeke separated the bagel in two halves and handed me one side of it. He took a bite of his as he stared at the television. After bringing me to my room, he’d left for a few minutes and come back with the bagel.
He’d brought some for Hope and Bridget, too. They all started eating theirs, and I stared at mine, realizing that my stomach grumbled at the smell. I did love a good bagel. I took a bite and ate all of it without thinking about it or having to stop because I just couldn’t take anymore. I’d have to talk to my therapist about my food issues and the ways that I handled it. But for now, I actually loved that half a bagel.
“Oh, put onDoctor Who.” Hope clapped her hands. “We always loved the science fiction stuff growing up.”
Zeke nodded and selected that program. “Me, too.”
I sat next to him on the couch and watched with my three favorite people in the world. I was warm, somewhat full, and before I could overthink it, I put my head on Zeke’s shoulder. He ran his fingers over the fuzz on the back of my head where my hair should have been.
“Do I look…horrendous?” I whispered my question to him low enough I hoped it gave us some privacy.
“You look beautiful. You always do. But you also look like I want to wrap you up and never let you out of my sight again.”
I swallowed. “I love you.”
He kissed the top of my shaved head. “I love you, too.” He moved slightly. “Hey, Bridget. Throw me that blanket, will you?”
She did as he asked, and he covered me in it, making sure all my extremities were well and truly under the blanket. How had he known I was cold? I squirmed a little bit, not sure why, and then he went back to stroking the back of my head again. I liked that. Before I knew it was going to happen, I closed my eyes.
I woke up hours and hours later, my head now fully on Zeke’s lap. He caressed the back of my head and down my body, everywhere he could reach.
