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You’ll never be her again. When will you accept that?
I will my mind to stop, straightening my back as we settle around the yard, laughing and eating and smiling until our faces hurt. Even Chris is smiling, telling them about his brothers when they were younger.
His eyes jump to mine in the midst of all of this, and his smileswells. I give him one in return, but as I do, something in my gut lurches because this is wrong. I shouldn’t be smiling at him this way, feeling happy.
Because he isn’t A and he’ll never be. Mask or not, A’s the only one who truly knows me. Truly accepts me. He doesn’t judge or scold. He’d hand me the knife and ask who’s next. If Chris knew who I really was, he’d never look at me the same way again. He’d think I’m sick. Depraved. A broken little girl who needs mending.
But not A. To him, I’m perfect. He doesn’t even have to say those words out loud for me to have felt them. Who else would tell a woman with as many scars as I have that she’s beautiful? That her scars are nothing but skin? Who else would watch her kill a man and hold her as she cried?
No, Chris can never be anything. No one can. No one but A. If he even wants me.
None of this is real. I’m just pretending, even with my own family. Smiling for the crowd.
I know he’s here. Know he’s watching. Seeing me with my family, smiling with another man. Is he jealous?
And why do I want him to be?
I wish he were here instead. I wish I could introduce him to my family. Will I ever be able to?
But until he tells me who he is, this is all we have. Strangers by day, friends by night. If that’s even what we are. Nothing with him makes any sense.
I stare out past the bright green lawn and through the shrubs, wondering if he’s there, watching our every move.
“You okay, honey?” Mom asks.
I quickly jerk my head toward her, light brown eyes shining brightly.
“Just fine. Never been better.” I take a sip of my beer.
“We should do this more often, don’t you think?” she goes on.
“We should. I think it’s good for me.”
Her emotions shine in her gaze. “I’m so happy to hear you say that.”
“Me too, kid.” Dad nods. “We’ve missed you.”
I take a deep breath and throw on a grin. “I missed me too. But I’m back. I promise.”
Just not the version you remember.
ADRIEL
I hated knowing she was with him yesterday. Him meeting her parents like he’s her fucking boyfriend.
“Fuuuck!” I shout, wanting to be the one with her.
But at the same time, I don’t even know how to be that man. To give her what she needs. How the hell do I become someone I’ve never wanted to become? Be someone who could love her?
Love…
Yeah. The concept is laughable. I don’t even know what love looks like. Feels like. I’ve been empty. Love never existed in my life.
And it’s all thanks to one woman: my mother.
Staring at the woman who gave me life while she shops at the supermarket, I pretend to be examining peaches while she looks at plums like they’re a fucking science project. Just pick a few and go. How hard is it?
Kayla’s parents looked like they actually gave a shit about her. I’m glad I don’t have to kill them.
