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Jenae’s eyes narrowed on him. “You know which one is, and I’m not letting you do the first one, so you’re left with the crying option. Maybe slow down on the whiskey. That’s not going to help.”
“It’s helping. I want to forget the look on her face when I told her I had her investigated.” He shut his eyes. “It was—God, it was really awful, like I’d completely violated her.”
Chapter Seventeen
Rakell couldn’t stave off the stream of tears as she got onto the elevator and into her apartment, plopping down on the couch, pulling it together only long enough to text Lana, saying she didn’t feel well and needed to cancel. Then she called Matt, leaving a rambling, incoherent, sob-filled message. When he called back, she was asleep after two glasses of wine and her anxiety pill.
The next morning, when they connected, she sounded a little calmer but was still crying. Matt insisted that he and Jonathon drive to Austin later today to stay with her. Matt sounded worried and wasn’t going to let her talk him out of it.
She had hung up from Matt, still crying, when the call came through. Not knowing the number, she answered the phone. “Hello,” she murmured before hearing Jenae’s voice, who asked if they could meet for coffee later that afternoon. “I should warn you that Jake may not like that idea,” Rakell said. Jenae reassured her, saying she needed to talk to Rakell and wasn’t worried about Jake. Rakell agreed to meet her later at Merit Coffee. Moments later, she received a text from Lana.
Lana:You are not sick! What’s going on? I’m worried…Send
Rakell:Jake knows. I didn’t get to tell him. Somehow he found out…Send
Lana:I’m coming over…Send
Rakell:No, I’m a mess…Send
Lana:That’s why I’m coming over…Send
Lana coming over with takeout temporarily eased the gnawing pain, but after she’d left, Rakell lost herself thinkingabout all the decisions that had come before the blow-up with Jake.
Later that afternoon, she kept her sunglasses on when she walked into the coffee shop, trying to hide the fact that she’d been crying most of the night. Rakell grabbed a double espresso with almond milk as she scanned the coffee shop for Jenae. Then she noticed her jet-black hair at a corner table set in a nook, camouflaged by a large, planted palm. Jenae offered Rakell a faint smile and waved from across the room. Rakell slid into the chair across from Jenae, her sunglasses still on. The lingering worry of being recognized after her Jumbotron exhibition, combined with her swollen eyes, meant she wasn’t taking off the dark glasses.
“Thanks for agreeing to meet. I know it’s not an easy time, and you’re grappling with a lot, so I appreciate it,” Jenae started soothingly.
“No, I’m doing better. Not sure what Jake told you, but we, well, it was a rough night.” She touched the edge of her dark sunglasses. “Thus the glasses. You don’t want to look at these eyes. Could be the before photo for some kinda heavy duty eye cream that promises to remove really puffy under-eye bags.” She attempted a slight smile.
“I get it. Jake looked like hell this morning. It was a rough night. That’s why I’m here. I know you guys fought last night…” Jenae’s tone sounded cautious.
Rakell leaned back slightly in her chair, forcing a neutral expression to hide her concern. “Fought is probably an understatement…but Jake and I seem to be good at that.” As those words came out, the thought washed over her:Am I just too jaded to ever be in something meaningful?
“Rakell, I’ve never interfered in any of Jake’s relationships. That would be like taking on another full-time job, but I’ve never seen him like this. I’ve never seen Jake care this much or workat a relationship this way. Obviously, he’s dated a lot,” she said, scrunching the features of her face. “But he usually shrugs, then moves on when things don’t work out.” Jenae took a slow sip of her cappuccino as if putting together her next point.
Absorbing her words, Rakell steadied herself from the onslaught of emotions warring internally ever since he had dropped her off. Yes, it was mostly fear. Fear that he could have found out so easily... something she had managed to hide since she was eighteen. But what was also tearing at her was the inevitable loss of him. The dream of being loved by someone who made you feel alive, who cajoled your mind and body together, whose presence seemed to make moments seem unhurried as if time wasn’t ticking but rather you had control of the arms on the clock. You could stop them so your memory could absorb all the aspects of the here and now.
But she couldn’t even pretend to herself that they’d be together. It felt like too big of a thing to get past. The judgment in his eyes, the tone in his voice vacillating between disgust, questioning if she had been ‘working’ while they were together, the pity…‘I know your family filed for bankruptcy.’
“I’m sure he will again,” Rakell stated flatly.
“I don’t think so. You’re different to him. No, I know it. I’ve never seen him this way with anyone before. Winnie and I both got why Jake’s so crazy about you after we hung out, and it’s definitely more than thatSports Illuminatedbody.” The sincerity in Jenae’s voice was like a hug from a sister.
She smiled. “Thanks, I had fun meeting both of you, but I think Jake and I just aren’t meant…”
“I want you to know that it wasn’t Jake.” Jenae took a long pause. “Winnie works for one of the top investigative law firms in New York.” She drew in a loud breath, and Rakell felt her spine stiffen.She knows, she thought, willing herself to focus, not to react. “So when Jake couldn’t find you on social media,I offered to have Winnie do some digging. We…you are all he’s been able to talk about over the past year—I wanted to help him however I could. We didn’t…”
Rakell let out the breath she was holding. “Great, so you guys know.” She didn’t try to deny it; she wanted to figure out how they could have found out. Matt had reassured her that Jake had to be guessing and probably trying to put things together, that he couldn’t be sure of anything. There was no way…
“Nothing was clear. Winnie found pictures using highly sophisticated facial-recognition software with high-powered computers. Most firms don’t even have access to what she used. Once I saw the picture of you and Matt in DC, it dawned on me that you may have been a ruse for him because we hung out in the same circles when I went to Rice. I’m sorry, Rakell. We both feel awful. We wish that we hadn’t gone down this path.” She watched as Rakell lowered her head. Jenae reached across the table and put her hand on Rakell’s. “I’m so, so sorry, Rakell.”
Head down, Rakell stared at Jenae’s hand on hers, a genuine warmth emanating from her touch. A sudden rush of loss swelled within thinking about Jake’s family and how welcoming they had been to her. Ms. Annette…will I need to find a new voice teacher?
“I’m just scared about this getting out. I did a job. Most of the time, I was just arm decoration for rich men.” Her voice was just above a whisper. “But I don’t want people like Matt getting hurt, and honestly, it has the potential to destroy my career before I even get started…” Rakell choked back the knot forming in her throat. “It could obliterate my chances, and the reason I did this…well, it’s complicated…Um…also Jenae, your mom is…”
Jenae squeezed the top of Rakell’s hand. “My mom doesn’t know, and the last thing Winnie or I want, or Jake for that matter, is to affect your career or hurt anyone. Jake would never try to hurt you. None of us would say anything. Truthfully,Winnie did this on the side, so she’d be risking her career if it got out. It’s no one’s business,” she said, moving her hand off of Rakell’s.
“Honestly, I don’t really feel bad about it, except the lying…but it’s something I had to do, and now look…Jake reacted exactly how I feared…he doesn’t really understand. Most men probably wouldn’t take it well, but someone like Jake…that kind of guy…they…” She shut her eyes briefly, feeling the heat in her face.
