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“What’s your fucking problem, Cassandra?”
The corners of her mouth turn down. “I’m not the one with a problem, Beth.”
“I’m sorry that I’m not a pushover anymore.”
“I never thought you were at work.”
“Just in my personal life.”
“I think you’ve proven in the past year that you’re no longer that either.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing. I’m sorry.” She looks hopeful for a moment. “Do you want to come over for dinner to celebrate?”
I shake my head. “No, I have plans.”
Her face drops again. “Are you going…there? I don’t think it’s healthy for you right now.”
“No, I’m not, Ms. Nosy. Not that I’m interested in your opinion, but I’m having dinner with Shawn.”
She mumbles, “Poor guy.”
“Fuck you, Cassandra. I’m a grown woman. Get out of my personal business. I don’t need your judgment.”
She’s about to say something else but thinks better of it. She turns and heads back toward her office.
I take a deep breath and head to the bathroom. I lock the door behind me and look in the mirror. I barely recognize my own reflection. I’m not physically different, but inside I’m unrecognizable. What is wrong with me? I hate what I’ve become, but I can’t seem to help myself. The bitterness consumes me. I despise the fact that I’ve pulled away from Cassandra, but that’s what has happened. I’ve pulled away from everyone I care about except Luke.
I couldn’t tell you the last time I was with Cassandra outside of the office. It’s been several months since I went to a Sunday night dinner. Sometimes I let Harley take Luke, but I don’t go. I can’t be around all that love and happiness when I know I’ll never have it for myself. I had it for the briefest of times and had it torn away from me.
Why is that? What is it about me that makes me unlovable? Everyone I’ve ever loved has left me. I know I’m just beating Cassandra to the inevitable punch.
I teeter somewhere between embarrassed and sad when I’m around people who knew about Dominic. I have no doubt they’re thinking that I don’t have what it takes to hold onto a man. That I’m pathetic. They’re right. Iampathetic.
I lay awake at night thinking of my last night with Dominic when I told him I was in love with him. He obviously never cared for me. I was all in. I can’t believe I let myself get so swept up in him. What’s worse is that I did it to Luke. I should never have involved him. He didn’t understand why we couldn’t talk to Dominic, Valentina, and Matteo after they left. One day we were playing happy family, and the next, they left our life without a trace.
I didn’t know what to say to him. Dominic changed his number. I had no way of getting in touch. Those first few weeks I sent texts to his cell, but they bounced back. The same went for his email. I was tempted to ask Reagan if she knew how to get in touch with him, but that would have made me sound even more pathetic than I was. So I let go. I let go of everything and everyone. All that’s left now is a shell of the woman I once was. I go through the motions of life with no joy. Luke is my only source of happiness. That’s how it will be for me moving forward. I’ve come to accept it.
* * *
“Beth,did you hear what I said?”
I shake my head. “I’m sorry, Shawn, what did you say? I was distracted.”
He grabs my hand from across the dinner table at the nice steakhouse where we’re having dinner. He peppers it with soft kisses and lovingly rubs it with his thumb. “I’ve enjoyed our friendship and all our nights together over the past eight months, but I want to take things to the next level. I want us to date. For real. I’m extremely attracted to you. I want to explore a physical relationship with you. I want you to finally let me meet Luke. I want to be a part of your life.”
“You are a part of my life. We’re together at least three or four nights a month.”
“You know what I mean.”
I give him a small smile. “Shawn, you’ve been an amazing friend to me, but I told you from the beginning that I’m damaged. I can’t offer you what you want. I don’t see a situation where I’ll ever let another man meet Luke. It took him a long time to get over my ex. I won’t make that mistake again. As for me…I’m broken. Irreparably broken.” I barely whisper, “I just can’t. I’m so sorry. I thought I was clear on what we were.”
His shoulders drop in disappointment. I hate that I’m the cause of it. He’s such a good man and has been such a kind, patient companion to me this year.
“You were clear. I’ve just held out hope that you’d eventually change your mind.”
I squeeze his hand in return. “I won’t. If you’d rather spend time with someone who can give you what you deserve, I more than understand it. In fact, it’s probably for the best.”
