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“You want me to reveal something painful. Is it so much to ask for the same in return? You know more about me than I do you.”
“I’m happy to answer your questions. I’m not a fan of secrets.” I look off toward the water for a moment as memories flood me. Bad memories. “I ruined someone else’s life. My actions were directly responsible for the man I loved losing his dream. It wrecked me. I dropped out of school and started using to the point where I needed it to get by. I was weak. It’s a pathetic tale as old as time.”
I tell him the whole story of my college boyfriend, the same one I recently shared with Jade. He has a similar reaction to hers, saying that my heart was in the right place, but I’ll never see it that way. My actions were unforgivable.
“Was he the first man you were ever intimate with?”
I shake my head. “No.”
“Who was?”
I bite back tears. “Reggie’s brother. He passed away when we were teens.”
“How?”
“A brain tumor. It was terrible. He was such a good, special guy. He protected me from my father. He was the reason I was living at Reggie’s. He saw my father’s alcohol abuse before others, before he truly became known as the town drunk. Jared saved me from the horrors likely awaiting me.”
He listens but says nothing in return, looking pained.
“Jared gave me a ride home one night from dinner at their house. When he realized my father was drunk and being verbally abusive to me, Jared said that he wasn’t leaving me with my father and that I needed to pack mybags. Fortunately, their parents were open to me staying with them, where I remained throughout all of high school. He and I fooled around a little for the first year I lived there. Nothing major. He was the first man to ever make me feel seen and cared for. Safe. When he got sick, their family struggled. I did my best to be there for all of them in their various moments of need. Just before he got really bad, he asked me if I would physically be with him. He didn’t want to die without experiencing the ultimate act of intimacy. It was my gift to him for saving me.”
“How do you feel about that? The reasoning I mean.”
“Giving my virginity to a caring man in his moment of need, after he helped me in mine? I’m at peace with it. It was meaningful. He told me I was the reason he was dying happy.”
He points to my ankle. “The tattoos?”
“One is obviously for Jade, the other is for Jared. I chose the name Jade because it’s both a color and his first initial.”
He’s quiet for a few moments before practically blurting out, “Jenny never loved me.”
I pinch my eyebrows together. “What do you mean?”
“After she passed, I found out that she was just like every other woman I had ever been with. She wanted my money. Not me.”
“I’m sure that’s not true. How could you possibly know that?”
“I was on her computer when her lover messaged her. He didn’t know she had died in childbirth. I played the role for a bit so I could gather information. She loved him. Having my child was her way of financially securing their future. She was planning to leave me after Andie was born. She was going to take Andie to live in Quebec and use mychild support and all the other leverage for the life she wanted. A life without me.”
“Oh, Beckett.” I have tears trickling down my face. I stand and sit in his lap, bringing him into an embrace. “I’m so sorry.” I think I’m beginning to understand some of his issues a little more clearly.
He wraps me in his arms. “It’s okay. I’ve had a long time to come to terms with it. I feel like a fool, but I have my daughter, so it happened for a reason. Jenny gave me the best gift of my life. I want to hate her, but I can’t. No matter what, she’s Andie’s mother.”
I lay my head on his chest in comfortable silence for a bit. He’s been through more than I realized.
“It’s the reason I haven’t dated. How can I trust anyone’s intentions after what happened? After I was completely tricked? Meeting you was so refreshing. You had no clue who I was. I loved that. When I found out about Jenny, I pledged to never let my guard down again. The night we met showed me that maybe there was a chance I could. It impacted me deeply.Youimpacted me deeply.”
I have no words for all of that. He impacted me too. After meeting him, I knew on some level that my marriage wasn’t going to last.
His fingers aimlessly move up and down my arm. “I’ve never told another person that story. The one about Jenny. No one knows.”
“Your mom?”
He shakes his head. “No.”
“Why? You can tell her anything. She wouldn’t judge you. She unconditionally loves you.”
“It’s humiliating. I thought I loved Jenny. I was a fool. And I don’t ever want Andie to know, so the fewer people that know the better. It will only hurt her to knownegative things about her mother. I want her to think Jenny was perfect and we were in love. It’s hard enough to grow up without a mother. Imagine her finding out her mother was nothing but a gold-digging whore. Like all who came before her. And before you ask, Andie is mine.”
