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Thanks, Maddie. You’re the best.
Geez, why is it always the women I’mnotattracted to that are interested?
Chapter 7
Sasha
Iarrive at Northern Dharma mid-afternoon. It’s a charming stone lodge tucked into the side of the mountain. The grounds are well maintained with huge gorgeous trees. Driving up the long winding gravel driveway, I am excited about what the next few days will hold.
Lauren had been happy to give me some time off when I asked. She understands that things have been rough for me lately and a little self-care would probably go a long way.
I park the car and find my way to the lobby. A woman named Jane checks me in and gives me a quick tour of the facility which ends with my room. She tells me to feel free to join the others for pre-dinner socializing after I unpack.
I must say I was expecting a little more as far as the accommodations are concerned. My room is tiny, closer to the size of a closet and contains one single bed and a chair that can be used as a makeshift nightstand. There are a few hooks on the walls for clothes. The word “austere” comes to mind.
I sit down on the bed and, thankfully, it feels pretty comfortable. I haven’t slept in a single bed since my freshman year dorm room. I flashback to how new and exciting that time was for me – so much freedom and new challenges.
I think about what the next few days will be like. I never thought I would do something like this. And always wondered why people would actuallypayto be silent for days on end.
I must have been tired from the drive because I fall asleep and have a glorious nap, dreaming about being in a 5-star resort in Auckland. When I wake up in my tiny bed I laugh to myself thinking, this is definitely not a 5-star resort. But, I decide I’m going to make the most of it and, with any luck, I’ll feel very rested and know myself a bit better by the time I leave here next week.
I head down the stairs to the common area. Dinner has just been put out on the long wooden table and it smells like fresh baked bread. All meals during the retreat are vegetarian, which should be interesting, as I definitely enjoy my meat on a daily basis. But some beans and tofu should be good for me, right?
I look around at the other attendees. Not surprisingly, they are mostly women. I’m guessing there aren’t too many men who are up for silent self-reflection 24/7. Most men would rather be strung up by their toenails.
I move toward two women who look to be about my age and are chatting excitedly. The women stop their conversation to say hi to me. We talk for a while about how it's going to feel not being permitted to talk for 5 days. None of us has done anything like this before and we’re all kind of nervous. I’m relieved to know that I’m not the only newbie to this type of experience.
We go through the buffet line and load up on the vegetarian fare. Sitting down, we continue our conversation, talking about where we’re from and what type of work we do.
Both of the women are recently married and I feel a pang in my heart, wishing I hadn’t spent so much time with Travis. Wishing I had known earlier what kind of guy he really is. Marriage feels like a long way away for me now.
The two women share tales about wedding planning and honeymoon adventures. Smiling and nodding, I try to appear engaged but more than anything I just feel jealous.
Just as dinner is finishing up, Jane comes to the front of the room and welcomes us all to the retreat.
“I’m so happy you have all decided to spend the next 5 days with us. The staff is here to help you in any way we can, so please just ask. There are a few rules while you are here. We really appreciate you listening and following these rules. They are put in place to assure you get the most out of your experience here at Northern Dharma.”
My new acquaintances and I look at each other with wide yes. Rules? What rules?
“The first rule is obviously, no talking once the silent period has begun. This means no talking atalland we take this very seriously. The only exception to this is during the meditation teacher talks when Arthur and Gloria will present a topic and you are permitted to ask questions if you’d like. If you have a problem or a concern, please write a note to me and I will take care of it. The second rule is for an hour every morning we will all have jobs to do such as kitchen cleanup, bathroom wipe-downs, sweeping and outdoor weeding. Please show up on time and stay for the entire hour. This is how we keep our property so neat and tidy. The third rule is we ask that you refrain from any sort of sexual activity, including with yourself.”
The women and I look at each other with raised eyebrows at this last rule, trying not to giggle. Why on earth would it matter if we decided to give over to a bit of self-pleasuring? I mean, as long as we’re quiet what could that hurt…
“The fourth and final rule is no phones or other electronic devices and no reading. We ask this so that you are able to focus inward as much as possible. We have no internet connection here so staying off your devices should be pretty easy. Everyone has provided us with an emergency contact. If something happens to you while you are here, we will call your contact on the landline. And, if someone needs to get ahold of you due to an emergency, we will let you know. Thank you all for following these rules and giving yourself the opportunity for a life-changing experience.”
Wow, I think, I had no idea this was going to be so intense. I mean, isn’t the silence part enough?
Jane continues her instructions. “It’s now time to begin our silent period. We will remain silent until Tuesday at noon.”
I feel my stomach knot up. Not sure if it's from a fear about what’s ahead or too much tofu.
Everyone slowly disperses from the common room. Some people head out to the patio that overlooks the mountains to take in the gorgeous views. I see others walking toward the stairs, perhaps to head up to their room for an early bedtime. I wonder what they will do up there with no Instagram, email or Kindle reading.
I decide on an early bedtime myself. Even though I had a nap I still feel exhausted. I wash my face and brush my teeth in the shared bathroom, hurrying so that others can do the same. I’m surprised the bathroom doesn’t have a mirror. I decide that must be on purpose so we spend less time in here. Luckily, I don’t particularly care what I look like while I’m here. I’m not trying to impress anyone.
When I get back to my room, I hang up a few of my things, change into pajamas and stretch out, as much as I can in such a small bed.
My mind wanders to Travis and how much he hurt me. His betrayal was such a complete and utter shock. I no longer cry when I think about it but I can feel the anger welling up inside of me once again. How dare he do that to me? And how dare he text me asking to see me?
