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“I am. Well, I was until I found out the news. But it's not foolproof. Obviously. It looks like we’re the unlucky 9%,” I say, attempting a small smile.
He sits there just staring at me. Totally mute. He starts to say something but stops before any words come out.
He finally speaks. “I’m seriously just stunned right now. It’s the last thing I thought was going to happen this morning,” he says, taking a big gulp of coffee. “Have you thought about… what you want to do?”
“I haven’t known about it for very long. I’m still in shock myself.” My stomach is flipping inside out right now from the stress of this conversation.
“Do you need money? What can I do?” he says gruffly.
I look at him for a moment and see disdain on his face. Does he think I did this on purpose? To trap him? Take his money?
“I don’t need anything from you, Spencer. I just felt like telling you was the right thing to do.”
“I still don’t understand how this could have happened.”
“Hmm… well, you do know how babies are made, right?” I say, sarcasm dripping from my voice.
“Of course I do, Sasha. I’m not a dumbass. I just thought you were using protection.”
“As I said, protection is not 100%. This was obviously an accident. Just in case you were wondering.”
Spencer looks away and then back at me, his face like stone.
“I understand that you didn’t do this on purpose. And I’d like to help in whatever way you’d prefer,” he says in a stiff, business-like tone.
“I don’t need anything from you. And now that you know what’s going on and don’t seem to care, we can go our separate ways.”
I start to get up from the table, tears threatening my tired eyes.
“I don’t think we’re done with the conversation yet,” he says, reaching for my arm.
“Oh, we are definitely done.” I move away from his grasp and grab my purse and coat.
I walk away without looking back and almost bump into a man in line in my haste to get out of the building.
Fuck him. This is exactly what I thought would happen. But something deep down in me feels the ache of disappointment. I really hoped this would go differently.
Later that night after a three-hour Netflix binge I finally turn off the TV. I’m exhausted and wonder if it’s too early to go to bed. I just want to hide under my covers and forget about this day.
I called Lauren earlier after I finally stopped balling. I gave her the rundown of the conversation and started crying again about halfway through it.
“Oh, Sash. I’m so sorry,” she’d said. “Maybe he needs a little time to get used to the idea? For things to sink in…”
“I don’t think so. I think he’s a heartless monster who only cares about his bottom line. My ‘situation’ has just gotten in the way of that and he’s just going to push it aside and act like it isn’t happening.”
She told me everything is going to be okay and to not give up hope.
I open up my laptop and start heading down the rabbit hole of what it takes to be a single mom.
There are plenty of articles outlining the hard parts. Endless late-night feedings. Dreadfully early wake-up times. Mounds of dirty diaper. Daycare costs. Never having a minute to yourself. Feeling the heavy weight of it all, I start absentmindedly rubbing the back of my neck.
In the next article I pull up, the face of the most beautiful baby takes my breath away. The article is all about keeping your baby healthy. But I can’t take my eyes off this sweet baby’s face. She must be a girl because she has the longest eyelashes I’ve ever seen. No boy should be allowed to have eyelashes that long. Though I did know a guy in high school with lashes like that and all the girls would talk about how they just wanted to coat them with mascara to see how much longer they could be.
I feel a spark of excitement bloom in my core. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad. I adore kids and absolutely knew I wanted them before this happened. So it’s not exactly happening the way I dreamed about... But, so what? I can totally do this on my own.
I think about how my friends and family will react to the news. My parents will be surprised and maybe embarrassed that this happened the way it did. They are conservative and still believe a woman should be married to have a baby.
But, my sister will be thrilled. Now her second child and my first will be so close in age. And what if they end up being bestfriends for life? The thought of this brings a smile to my face and gives me a sliver of hope.
