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I know this is going to be hard but women do it all the time. I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I can’t help wishing I was doing this with a partner though. Someone I can share all this newfound excitement with.
Chapter 18
Spencer
I’ve been working nonstop since the conversation with Sasha. I’m afraid if I pause to think about what happened I’m going to disappear into a hole that I can’t emerge from. I’ve worked every day this week for a minimum of sixteen hours. I’ve been tired and a grumpy asshole and I know my employees are wondering what the hell is going on with me.
Last weekend after Sasha and I talked, I sat at that table in the coffee shop unable to move. What the fuck had just happened? And why was I such a jackass?
I had been so excited to see Sasha and then I felt like I’d been punched in the gut. I’ve never had a partner get pregnant before. Not even a pregnancy scare. So, I had no experience with this at all.
I’m certain I completely fucked up with my reaction. I just didn’t know what to say. Like an idiot, I reverted to business talk, like we were discussing a land deal and not a baby.
No wonder Sasha had been so pissed off at me when she left. She needed something else. Something I hadn’t been able to give her in the moment.
And, now, after several days of working too hard and trying not to think about this, I have no idea what my next move should be. We obviously need to talk about this again and I need to think through what to say and how to say it.
Maybe she will decide that having the baby doesn’t make sense. That it’s not a good time for her. For us. But I know better than that. Sasha adores kids and has always seen herself as a mom one day. She is definitely going to have this baby. With or without me.
Did she do this on purpose? Get pregnant so we would marry or at least raise this baby together? I really don’t think this is the case, but I can’t be certain. It wouldn’t be the first time a woman has used me for my money. But Sasha seems different than those women.
I’m so damn confused right now.
I need to talk to someone. But I can’t think of anyone that I’d be comfortable talking to about this. So, instead of working through this, I have chosen to bury myself in work.Good job, Spencer. Way to go, you fucking idiot…
Chapter 19
Sasha
It’s finally Friday and I couldn’t be happier about it. I’ve stayed super busy at work all week– trying to ignore all the terrifying feelings that keep arising – and I’m so ready for the weekend.
I head off to work, deciding to walk today to clear my mind.
Everywhere I look on the street I see happy couples. Couples with babies in strollers. Couples who are pregnant. Couples holding hands and laughing together. Where did all these people come from? And why are they in my universe right now? I don’t want to be reminded of what I’m missing.
I arrive at the office and sit down at my desk, ready to immerse myself in my matches.
We have a new client, Mimi, who has a very specific taste in men. She doesn’t really care what they look like. But, she wants someone who’s funny. Like hysterically funny. So, I need to figure out who out of my male clients can make a woman laugh.
When I initially met with Mimi she seemed very guarded. I asked my usual questions and got lots of very short answers. I prodded a bit here and there, but she still wasn’t opening up.
“What are your dealbreakers?” I asked and her face clouded.
“I won’t stand for cheating. Not in any form,” she said, looking at me directly in the eyes. “I’ve had two serious boyfriends cheat and I can’t go through that again.”
I looked at her, empathy in my eyes. I saw the pain on her face before she looked away.
“I’m so sorry you’ve gone through that twice. I completely understand. It’s absolutely horrible,” I said before taking a sip of water. “I wish I could guarantee that the match I find you won’t cheat but, of course, there are no guarantees in life.”
She nodded her head, indicating she understood the risk she was taking by dating again.
“I will do my best to find you a good guy. Someone who won’t cheat. And someone who will have you laughing your ass off.”
I think now how brave we all are when it comes to love. So many of us get knocked down but continue to get back up.
As I’m pondering this thought, Lauren knocks lightly and lets herself into my office, closing the door.
