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“Well, we just had some coffee and a scone and now we’re discussing which plants we are going to buy for the back deck. Pretty exciting stuff, huh?” he says, laughing. “Are you on your way into work?”
“No, no work today. I actually have something I want to talk with you about.”
“Yea? What’s that?”
“This is hard to say.” I clear my throat and then swallow, trying to get the words out. “I met this girl…”
“Oh, yeah? Finally met someone you like?”
“Yes. She’s totally amazing.” As I say the words, I realize even more how true they are.
“Great! What’s the problem then?”
“Well… she’s pregnant.” I let the words tumble out and immediately wish I hadn’t called.
Theres a long pause and for a moment I wonder if my dad heard me. “Oh… Okay…” he finally says.
“Yea. Totally unexpected. And I’m struggling with this. In a big way.”
I tell him the whole story. Well, most of it at least. How we met and then ended up at the same retreat. How I wanted more from her but she shut me out. And then, the conversation last week when she told me about the baby.
When I finally stop talking, Dad says simply, “Sounds like you have some big decisions to make.”
“You’re not kidding. I want to do the right thing. But, I gotta tell you… I’m terrified. I don’t know if I have it in me.”
“Of course, you do, Spence. You can do this, whatever “this” means. You just have to figure out what you want.”
“I’ve never been good with kids. They don’t like me. What if I suck at being a dad?”
My dad pauses a minute and finally says, “You don’t suck with kids. You just haven’t been around many little kids. But, it’s askill like anything else in life, Spence. If you want to be a great dad, you will be. No doubt in my mind.”
I think about this and realize he’s right. I haven’t been around kids very often. So why do I assume I’m not good with them? Maybe I just need an opportunity to become comfortable around them.
“You had a pretty tough childhood yourself. I blame myself for a lot of that. I was hard on you – I know that.”
I nod even though he can’t see me. He always insisted I did my best. All of the time. And, when I didn’t, he let me know how disappointed he was.
“That’s actually something I’ve wanted to talk to you about for a long time now. And I’m sorry I’m just now saying it. But I think that may be part of the reason why you worry about being a good dad. You didn’t have a great role model…”
“No. Absolutely not true. You’re a fantastic dad.”
“Well, I’m good at some things, yes. Like providing for you all. But there are so many things I could have been better at. But that doesn’t mean you’ll be the same kind of father I was.”
Dad pauses for a moment before adding, “Babies don’t come with instruction manuals, unfortunately. Being a parent is hard. But it's so worth it. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.”
Dad goes on to tell me a story about how when Shawn and I were little, I pushed Shawn down the stairs. Dad was at the bottom of the stairs and looked up and saw Shawn tumbling down toward him. He looked at me and the look on my face said it all. I had pushed him on purpose and I was regretting it. He was so angry at me at first because he had to rush Shawn to the emergency room in case he had a concussion. He yelled at me, telling me how bad I was to do that to my brother. But, later, he realized that this was just part of being a kid and also part of being a parent. You can’t control the situation all the time.Sometimes, you just have to go with it and do your best to be the parent you want to be.
After hanging up I feel so much better. My nervousness makes more sense now. And I know what I need to do. What Iwantto do.
I spend a good chunk of the day doing some research on parenting. I read about what it’s like to have a newborn. How much money it costs to raise a child these days. How important it is to be aligned with your partner or spouse about how to discipline kids. And I do a lot of reading about dads who didn’t think they wanted to ever be dads.
My mom calls me later that afternoon. I’m not surprised when I see her number on my phone. I really expected to hear from her almost immediately after talking to Dad.
“Hey, Mom. How’s it going?”
“Hi, Spence. Your dad told me about what you’re going through and I just wanted to call and give you some support. If you need it, that is.”
“Sure. You have some words of wisdom for me?”
