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I gulp as a wave of something frightening steals my breath. Still, whatever strange emotion I feel is outweighed by my relief.
They’re here. Safe.
I watch them for too long, finding peace in the slow rise and fall of their synchronized breaths. Madison’s eyes flutter in her sleep. Leo whines in his, his face flushed with fever and his forehead lined with discomfort. As though it’s instinctive, Madison’s grip tightens around him, soothing him even when unconscious. He sighs, settling back down.
Just like that.
I don’t think I’ve ever been able to do that for him. When he’s upset, he only cries harder if I try to talk him down. When he’s bouncing off the walls, my pleas for him to take a breather go unheeded.
And here she is, comforting him so easily — like she’s made of magic.
I turn my back to them as more emotion wells in me. I recognize it for what it is this time: awe. Want. She has a hold on me, and her gentle love for my son isn’t helping matters. I didn’t even know she had it in her. Before this, I only knew her as Brandon’s catty, perpetually pissed-off younger sister. The woman who commanded everyone’s attention yet never let me close enough to offer it.
I thought she was shallow and uncomplicated, but I see now she’s filled with all the things I’m lacking. Things I should be able to provide for Leo myself.
Shit.
Carefully, I place down my laptop bag and then kneel in front of the sleeping figures. Something pangs in my heart when Madison frowns. Is she dreaming of something unpleasant?
I almost want to wake her, but instead, I gather Leo into my arms. He lets out another moan as he puts his head on my shoulder, and I shush him gently.
“Daddy’s here,” I whisper into his fine hair. I smell his shampoo, citrussy and light, and can only guess she must have bathed him at some point. They must have had quite a busy day to be passed out at this time.
He clings to me as I carry him to his bedroom, turning on his nightlight and placing him into his made bed before covering him with his galaxy-patterned duvet.
I’m sorry, I think as I brush his hair from his eyes. I’m sorry I wasn’t here.
He turns onto his side, peaceful as ever. His forehead is still warm when I kiss him goodnight, but he lets me leave without waking.
When I return to the living room, Madison is stirring. A groggy, confused expression crumples her features and it’s aggravatingly adorable. Her hair stands up at odd angles as she rubs her eyes and then, finally, her gaze lands on me.
It’s like witnessing spontaneous combustion. Her irises turn fiery in an instant, so much so I almost want to look away.
I’m a lot of things, but I’m not a coward, so I let her hold me in her angry glower. I think she’s earned it after today.
“Where were you?” Her voice is gravelly from sleep but no less cutting. “I called. I texted. I even had to ask Brandon!”
I feel my jaw tick with tension as I walk over to her, sitting down on the couch. She shuffles as far away from me as she can, and it leaves me feeling cold.
“I know.” Bowing my head, I steeple my nervous fingers, resting my elbows on my thighs. “I know. I’m…”
Sorry. The word gets choked up in my throat. I haven’t said it in so long that I no longer remember how. I am not apologetic. I am not kind, or ashamed, or regretful.
And yet tonight, I feel like I should be. Those things are engulfing me, shattering through me, spilling out of me like foam from an uncorked champagne bottle.
She shakes her head and stands up, smoothing down her creased T-shirt. It’s sweat-stained from Leo’s forehead, as though she’s carrying him with her even now.
I rise, too, unwilling to let her go. “It was important.”
“This was important!” She whispers her shout, so selfless, so caring, that she’s wary of Leo even now. “He kept asking for you and I didn’t know what to tell him!”
There’s nothing I can say. No excuses. I know that.
“It won’t happen again.”
She purses her lips, looking at me stonily. I’ve never seen her so angry. It no longer sends hot desire through me or even a thrill of exhilaration. No, today, she makes me feel small. Unworthy. Disgusting.
Perhaps I am those things.
