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“I don’t believe you.” Sadness thickens her voice, like it pains her to say it. Like she wants to believe me. “I think you’re afraid of how much that boy needs you. You’re incapable of putting energy into people when it could be put into your next big million, your next business deal.”
The back of my neck prickles with anger, but more than that, too. It’s that feeling when you know you’re being watched. When you’re being seen.
I try to tell myself it’s not true: I’m not afraid and I’m not incapable.
But I don’t even believe myself. I’ve always been wary of Leo, afraid I’m too much like my Dad to do right by him. It was better I kept my distance, focus on building him an empire, a place where he’ll always be safe and perhaps, one day, even inherit.
I don’t know how to be a good father. I’m not good at meeting people’s needs, at being there for them. I’m only good at providing, and so far, it’s been enough that I’ve never had to offer more. People tend not to complain when you can purchase a villa in Spain or a brand-new Ferrari for them at the drop of a hat.
Not until Leo. He always needed more than what I could give. I can’t throw money at him and pretend that’s parenting.
That’s why he needs Madison.
I loosen my tie, exhaustion suffocating me now. “What do you want me to say? This is who I am.”
“Well, maybe it shouldn’t be, because what you are right now is a pretty big disappointment.”
I grit my teeth, halfway between a snarl and a grimace. Her words are a punch to the gut, and it’s an effort not to recoil. “Didn’t we talk about professionalism?”
“I made it clear that I wouldn’t stand for this crap.” She shakes her head, her eyes turning glossy. “I’m handing in my notice.”
The words suck all the life out of me, and then my heart is straining so hard I can hear the frantic beats in my ears.
“No. No, you’re not.” It takes all the strength I have to keep my voice calm.
“I can’t do this anymore, Roman!”
I take her wrist, feeling so desperate I actually consider begging. I need her. Leo needs her. “I told you it won’t happen again. I will not turn my phone off. I’ll answer every damn call. Don’t do this, Madison.”
“You don’t get it.” Tears spill across her cheeks. My thumbs tremble with the desire to wipe them away.
Shit. What have I done?
I can’t be the first terrible dad she’s worked with, surely. She must have seen kids with far worse parents than me. So why is she doing this to me? Why is she making me feel worse than I already do?
“Then explain it to me,” I rasp. “Tell me, Madison.”
She raises a hand to her sternum. “It hurts me. It hurts me to see what your absence does to him. It hurts that, today, he only had me to take care of him and it wasn’t enough.”
“It was enough.” I could tell by the way I found them that it was. I know because he lights up when she walks into the room. Because he reaches for her hand before mine. Because he laughs at all her jokes and listens when she speaks.
She bites her trembling bottom lip and looks at me as though it’s the furthest thing from the truth. My lids flutter closed as another wave of pain strikes through me. It wasn’t enough. Not because she isn’t, but…
Because I’m not enough.
“I’m trying.” My composure threatens to snap completely, but I’m not above letting it if it means she stays. If I have to be honest, vulnerable, I will. I’ll let her see every rotten part of me as long as she keeps making Leo happy. “I’m trying to figure out how to do this. I never planned this, Madison. I never planned him. I’m just… I’m trying.”
“You need to try harder.”
“I will.” I squeeze her hand, and she takes an involuntary step closer. Our breaths collide between us, chests rising and falling in tall crests and shallow curves, threatening to meet in the middle.
Even now, I look at her and want to kiss her. I want to kiss away her tears and her doubt, I want to remind her that I’m capable of making her feel just as good as I can bad. That this isn’t all I am, even if it’s a big part of it.
“I promise,” I continue. “I don’t break my promises.”
“It’s not me you should be making promises to.” She slumps all at once, looking exhausted — but still, she doesn’t tear away from my touch. “Where’s his mom, Roman? Why does he only have you — us? If I’m going to go above and beyond for you, I need to know why.”
I don’t want to talk about it. About her. But I know we’re past playing it coy now. She needs to see me differently.
