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“Confidence?” I snorted ever so slightly, if it was possible to slightly snort. “Confident is about the last thing I’ve been lately.”
“I… I don’t suppose I’m partially responsible for that… am I? I know I wasn’t the most supportive mother, and with what happened recently… well…”
Oh geeze, that was getting deeper than I wanted to be right off the bat. “Why don’t I show you my place before we start crying again?”
“Right,” she nodded, her lips pressed into a solemn line. She seemed just as relieved as I was that she had changed the subject. Maybe avoiding deeply emotional conversations just ran in the family.
“Anyways, when you see my kitchen, you are so going to flip!”
I lead her around my place, taking my time and showing her each and every detail. I liked to think that it was just to see her excited expression, but honestly, I was also delaying the conversation that I didn’t want to have but could feel brewing between us.
“And now that I’ve shown you the island, the fridge and the water dispenser, how about we move on to the bathroom? You will be so jealous of my bathtub!”
“Oh, will I now?”
“Uh-huh, I am ninety-nine percent certain you’re going to secretly hate me.”
“Well, I guess I’ll just have to use it as much as I can while I’m here. But for goodness sake, stop drawing it out and show it to me!”
I did, leading her to one of my favorite rooms in the apartment. Just like I knew she would, she oohed and aahed and did indeed swear that she was going to steal my tub. I guess we had surprisingly similar tastes considering how different we had ended up.
The rest of the place went by far too quickly. I really tried to draw it out, showing her every single possible nuance I could, but that could only last so long, and too soon we were sitting on the couch and the tour was over.
“I’m so happy for you, darling. Really.”
Darling? That was a new one. She was never much one for pet names, so the sudden sprinkling of them was weird. Did she feel guilty? I mean, she had plenty to feel bad about, but I didn’t want to have to play some sort of comforter while she confessed all of her sins. I had much better things to do with my energy.
Bu then she was opening her mouth and I had to brace myself for the onslaught. “I… why didn’t you tell me?”
Oh. That wasn’t what I was expecting. Was she choosing to go on the offensive? While my mother was temperamental and not very supportive, she never was one of those abusive narcissists who made everything about them.
“Well… Mom, we didn’t exactly leave on the best of terms.”
Her face screwed into a grimace. “I know, and I can’t apologize enough for that. I should have stood up for you, like you asked. It was wrong of me to tell you that you got yourself into the mess you were in -and I was wrong to call it a mess.
“Look, I know we’ve never been thick as thieves, and I made a huge mistake in how I treated you when you got back from college. But please, please know that you can come to me if you’re in trouble, or if you’re lonely, or just wanna talk. I want to make up for how much I wasn’t there for you before. If you’ll let me, that is.”
Oh wow. Now it had gotten the complete opposite direction. I didn’t expect her to full on apologize. I was so used to people dismissing my feelings or telling me that I was overreacting, that I almost couldn’t comprehend it.
“You mean that?” I whispered, hardly daring to speak.
My mother reached out and grabbed my hands, gently holding them within her own. “I do. I absolutely do, Nikki. I’ve done so much wrong by you and I just want to make it right.
“I can’t imagine you bringing my little grandbaby into the world on your own, so please, please forgive me.”
“I…I think I can do that. If given enough time.”
“Thank you,” suddenly she was reaching forward and enveloping me in a hug. I was surprised to say it, but it touched me in a way I didn’t expect. I had expected this whole trip to be a whole lot of shock, concern, lecturing and condescension. “I will try my hardest to be a good Mom to you.”
“Thanks, I appreciate that. I do.”
We parted, tears in both our eyes again. Goodness, I was going to need to rehydrate after leaking so much saline.
“So,” Mom said, wiping under her eyes. “Why don’t you tell me how this all got started?”
“Oh goodness, that is a story in and of itself.”
“Good thing we have the whole afternoon then.”
