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I opened and closed my mouth a few times, realizing that there really was no way around it. “Well, you know how I went to Vegas, right?”
“The city of lights and sin? Yes, of course I remember. I was worried sick about you.”
“Huh, you have a funny way of showing it considering you never contacted me.”
She winced, and I felt a little guilty. If I wanted to heal this relationship, I couldn’t keep throwing her past transgressions in her face.
…did I want to heal the relationship? I felt like yes, but was I being pregnant, soft and hormonal? Ugh, when did like become so complicated?
“I know, and against I’m sorry. After you left, well… I thought that you didn’t want to ever talk to me again.”
“Well, you’re kinda right. I probably would have hung up anyways.”
She nodded solemnly. “I understand. In your situation, I likely would have done the same. But I do have to ask, why Vegas? You’re not into gambling, as far as I know, and you don’t really love dancing, so it wasn’t like you were going to be a show girl, so what took you all the way out of the desert?”
” Now that that was out of the way, she leaned forward. “But back to the story! You were in Vegas…?”
“Right! So, I was in Vegas, going to this interview, and it was a total sham! Man, you should have been there…”
I ripped off the band aid and dove right in. Obviously, I gave my mother the sanitized version; she didn’t need to know that James was literally the best sex that I had had in my entire life and that I had practically jumped his bones when he arrived in town, but I tried to be fairly honest other than that.
It took me a lot longer than I thought to regale her, with an especially large chunk dedicated to describing James’ hotel room. She didn’t seem nearly as impressed by it as I was, but I couldn’t help but feel it was because that suite was where I had made several life altering decisions that had completely changed everything.
I also left out how catty my coworkers often were to me and how lonely I had felt before James showed up, and how lonely I was afraid I would be once the newness of my situation wore off and I was all alone again. No one liked a mood killer, right?
By the time I was done, I felt like I had gone through the whole situation all over again, just at super speed. I was exhausted, my emotions were pretty raw, and I was feeling particularly vulnerable.
“Oh Nikki,” my mother murmured after a few seconds to digest everything that I had said. “I’m so sorry. I should have been there for you. Maybe if I had, none of this would have happened.”
None of this would have happened? I looked down at my rounded belly, which seemed like it had grown exponentially since I had a decent place to stay and so much less stress. There was no doubt that my life would certainly be so much easier without the precious life brewing inside of me, but now that I had my own, personal connection with whatever was growing there, I didn’t know if I could ever give that up.
I had chosen to bring this child into the world for reasons I still didn’t entirely understand. But I knew that my heart and soul was so wrapped up in the future I had planned for the two of us that even wishing to go back seemed like blasphemy.
“I don’t know, Mom. Maybe things were meant to be this way.”
“Maybe,” she said, squeezing my hand. “But I know for a fact that you weren’t meant to go it on your own. Look, I’m only a couple of hours drive from here and now that I’m collecting disability for my hip, I can come see you whenever you need. I respect that you’re independent and need your space so you won’t be asking for sleepovers every weekend, but when you need me, you call me, alright?”
The relief that flooded through me at that was uncanny. And for the first time in a long time, I was incredibly grateful for her presence.
“I will Mom, I promise.”
“Good, good.” She hugged me again and it was probably the most physical contact that we had had in years. “Now, how about I cook you some dinner? I brought the supplies for my famous lasagna in the trunk.”
“Lasanga?” I asked, perking up. “You know I would never turn that down!”
“I thought as much. You wait here, I’ll be right back.”
I watched her go, both of us smiling even if we were probably both feeling a little unsure about the future. I was just so glad that James had convinced me to call her. The world was a big place, after all, sometimes it wasn’t a good thing to be so untethered.
