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“I can, Momma.”
Zane digs back into his food and our conversation comes to an end. I sip on my coffee and eat my toast while staring out the window at the world outside of the one I’m trying to build to protect my son. Once Zane’s done eating, he makes his way back up to his room to get dressed for the day. I go through everything from his bag again and make sure I didn’t overlook anything before putting it back together. My boy doesn’t like taking his lunch to school so I make sure he’s got his money in the envelope before zipping his bag closed again. Grabbing his boots and jacket, I make sure everything is ready to go before he gets back. The last thing I do is start my car so he doesn’t have to get in a cold one. I don’t really have the gas for it, but that’s okay. I’m not going to make my boy suffer in the cold when he doesn’t have to.
Since I ran errands yesterday and did a little bit of cleaning, there’s not a ton of shit I have to do once I get back from taking Zane to school. So, I pull out something to make for dinner, making sure there’s enough in case Billy wants to eat with us tonight. Then, I go through every room and dust before cleaning the floors. Most of the rooms in my small house have carpeting, but a few are tiled. I mop the tiled floors and spread that carpet fresh cleaning stuff in the rooms with carpeting. It makes the rooms smell nice. Done with all of that I start the laundry and clean Zane’s room. If Billy does come over tonight, I don’t want him finding the house lacking more than it already is. Or saying it’s too dirty for our son to be in. I might be lacking in a lot of areas in my life, but taking care of my son and providing for him is one area I do my absolute best in.
I eat a light lunch before cleaning up the kitchen again and making sure I have everything I’ll need to make a healthy dinner for us tonight. Knowing I can’t stall any longer in calling Billy, I pick my phone up with trembling hands and find his contact information in the saved numbers. His number is literally the only one in there. Well, I have my father’s, but I don’t count him as a contact. He’s only in there so I can avoid answering the phone when the prick calls. I know I can’t put him off forever because he’ll just show up sooner or later, but I can sure as fuck avoid him for long periods of time.
“Calla,” Billy answers his phone and doesn’t say anything else.
The sound of loud music plays in the background along with women’s voices. It shouldn’t surprise me that Billy is surrounded by women on a daily basis. Not only do I know it comes with being part of an MC, but they own a strip club. Everyone in town knows about the strip club and all the guys in town make their way there on a regular basis. I’m sure Billy spends a majority of his time there for obvious reasons. The main one being that he gets his fill of women dancing and grinding on him for hours on end. What guy wouldn’t spend his time there if he was single? Hell, even guys in a committed relationship more than likely wouldn’t pass that shit up. I guess that’s just my bias and knowing men aren’t trustworthy coming out.
“If you’re busy, I can call back later,” I finally manage to say as I look around my small house as though it’s not mine and I’m seeing it for the first time.
“I’m not busy. Had to come to the strip club today because Sabotage is busy right now. They’re gettin’ an alcohol shipment in and someone has to be here for it. The girls are practicin’ their routines for tonight. That’s why it’s so loud in here,” he informs me as if I need to know this information.
“Um, well, I talked to Zane last night and he’s excited to meet you. It’s all he’s talked about since learning you were here in the same town as him. Billy, we have to be really careful about this shit. I don’t know what my father will do next. It wasn’t something I had to really worry about but I’m back in the same town as him now,” I caution the man I gave my heart to so long ago. “I thought maybe you could come over here and hang out for a while with him. Maybe have some dinner with us before I get him ready for bed. Or, you could help get him ready. It’s truly an experience.”
I can’t help the small laugh that escapes at the thought of Zane and his bath routine. He literally coats the entire bathroom in water and I have no clue how he does it.
“I’ll figure somethin’ out, Calla. I know you’re gonna be there since it’s your house. Can you just give us some space so I can get to know my son though? That’s all I’m askin’. I just don’t know how close to you I can be and not go off. That’s the last thing I want to do in front of my son. I don’t want him scared of me the second we meet for the first time,” Billy asks me.
“Of course. I’ll do whatever Zane is comfortable with. If he’s not comfortable with me being out of his line of sight, I’m not gonna leave the room, Billy. He has to come first no matter what either one of us feel. He’s literally my only concern right now,” I state, needing Billy to understand I’m not going to back down from this one stipulation of him meeting our boy.
“I wouldn’t ever ask either one of you to do somethin’ both of you aren’t comfortable with. If he needs you with him, I’ll have to beat down my resentment and anger so I can be in the same room as you. There’s somethin’ else I’m workin’ on too. We might do that tonight instead. If you’re both okay with that. I’ll let you know before I come over. Or when I get there. What time does he get home from school?” Billy questions as I hear a woman’s voice right up next to the speaker of his phone.
The words coming out of her mouth are ones I really don’t want, or need, to hear. Talking about having another round with Billy and her missing his big cock. My heart is literally breaking in my chest at the thought of hearing this. No, I didn’t expect him to be a monk or anything like that in the last seven years. I just didn’t realize Billy’s sexual escapades would essentially be thrown in my face either. Especially not after just running into him while we’re discussing him seeing our son for the first time.
“I’m gonna go, Billy. Have a fun afternoon,” I tell him, hanging up without letting him get another word in.
Putting on Someone You Loved by Lewis Capaldi, I let the tears flow. I’ve never once given up on the love I had for Billy. Yes, I understand that he’s had more than enough reason to move on from me. I can’t really expect any less than that from him. I disappeared without a word and left him behind instead of turning to him. It doesn’t mean I didn’t trust him or want him to help me. I simply couldn’t drag him into the mess of my life knowing my father wouldn’t hesitate to hurt him or go after the club he was just starting to hang out with. He’s got unlimited women available to him on a daily basis. If he hasn’t settled down with someone already that is. I don’t even know. That’s something we’ll have to discuss at some point because I don’t want some random woman meeting my son if she’s not going to be a part of his life long term. It’s the least Billy can give me when it comes to Zane.
For the rest of the afternoon, I hang out on the couch and listen to songs that remind me of what I used to have with Billy. I haven’t let myself do something like that in a long time. Today seems the perfect excuse to do so. I can clean up before picking Zane up from school and then go from there. Shit! I have to send Billy a message about what time I pick him up from school. I never did answer that question.
Me: I pick Zane up just after three. We usually come back home directly after school. I try not to take him out too often. Sorry I didn’t answer before letting you go. Please let me know what time you’ll be stopping by. I’ll be starting dinner shortly after we get home. It will take a while to cook.
Setting my phone down on the table in front of me, I again look around the room I’m sitting in. The music continues playing as I lean back against the couch cushions and let my mind wander. Pushing thoughts of my father and his punishments away, I let all the good times I shared with Billy rotate through my mind. Then I cycle through the times I’ve had with Zane since the day he was born. I’ve done everything I can for my son and the only time he’s not with me is when I’m working. I’ve got a trusted co-worker who watches him when I’m not able to. Her name is Heather and we’ve talked to our boss so we’re always on opposite shifts. Heather is someone Billy and I went to school with and she never left town. Instead, she’s stayed and lives her life to work and take care of her sick mom.
Heather’s mom got sick when we were in school and she’s put her life on hold to do everything in her power to take care of her mom and make sure she gets the proper medical treatment. My friend doesn’t have a shy bone in her body when it comes to not feeling as if a patient is being treated the way they should the second they step through the doors of the hospital for any reason. Hopefully Billy doesn’t have a problem with this arrangement because I’m not about to change everything Zane is used to on his word. He can kiss my ass if that’s what he feels is going to happen.
When it’s time to leave to pick up my son, I quickly wash my face to hide the evidence of my tears. Billy will be able to tell I’ve been crying when he shows up, but I don’t really care what he thinks about it. My feelings aren’t his concern any longer. It’s my fault and I know this more than anyone else ever will. He’s more than entitled to his anger and whatever else he’s feeling after what I did to him. He doesn’t need to be burdened with the fact that I’ve never gotten over him and don’t see it happening now that I’ll be seeing him on a regular basis.
Zane can only talk about meeting his daddy on our way home. It’s so nice to see the excitement lighting up his eyes and filling his voice when he talks about his daddy now. I don’t know if anything can top this moment in time for him. My main concern now is that it lives up to his expectations and that my boy isn’t let down by what he wants in a dad. That’s the one thing my six year old can’t express to me because this isn’t a situation he’s ever been in before. So, I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure tonight goes the best it possibly can and then we’ll go from there.
If there’s one thing I know for certain, it’s that eventually Billy will want to take Zane on his own. To spend their own time together and maybe keep him overnight. This is something I want to give them. But, it’s also something I have to know Zane is going to be comfortable doing. I’ve never once spent an entire night away from him since I had him. I’m also not sure how I feel about him staying in a clubhouse full of half-naked women who aren’t shy when it comes to sex and having public displays. While I might not be part of the MC world, I sure as fuck have heard more than a few things over the years about what happens at the clubhouse when the men are letting loose. My son doesn’t need to see that shit at such a young age. Hell, he doesn’t need to see it before he’s in his forties. At least that’s my thought.
Getting home, I look at my phone to see if Billy messaged me back about what time he’d be showing up. There’s nothing from him there so I have no clue what to expect or when he’s going to show up. I need to know when to expect him so I can prepare myself. Instead, he’s probably too busy to message me back. All I know for sure is if he doesn’t show up tonight for our son, I don’t know how long it will be before I let him try to come around again. Crushing my boy isn’t something I’m going to tolerate. I guess that’s another thing we have to discuss. Billy has to be all in when it comes to Zane or he can stay the fuck away for good and not get my boy’s hopes up only to be disappointed.
Chapter Five
GETTING THE CALL from Calla made me nervous as fuck. To know I get to meet my son for the first time in a few hours makes me want to crawl out of my skin. Not because I don’t like kids or anything like that. It’s because I have no clue what to do with a kid of my own. When I’m around the kids at the clubhouse, I can hand them back to their parents when they get cranky, need to eat, or need to be changed. With Zane, I can’t just hand him back to his parents. I’m responsible for everything regarding that little boy. To protect him, keep him healthy, and make sure I set a good example for him so he grows up to be a good person in life. Yeah, Calla’s there to help me along the way, but it’s different knowing that Zane is my flesh and blood and he’ll depend on me for things.
When Calla hung up on me, I know she got the wrong impression of what was going on. I’ve never once had sex with any of the strippers at Jaded Outlaw. Silk decided she was going to try and entice me once again. The woman really doesn’t know how to fucking give up when someone doesn’t want her. I’ve told her numerous times, along with the other guys, that we don’t mix business and pleasure. Well, that’s not really true because there have been times when we have mixed the two. However, it’s our go-to excuse for not fucking one of the women where we work.
Now, Silk is on notice that if she pulls this kind of shit again, she’ll be out on her ass. She’s pissed as fuck at me and I’m sure Sabotage will hear about it later on, but that’s not my problem. What is my problem is making sure Calla doesn’t believe something is going on that’s not. While I may not want to be with her in a relationship, it doesn’t mean I want her thinking the absolute worst of me. She literally controls the amount of time I get to spend with Zane and everything regarding my son at this point in time. Yes, I can take her to court if it comes down to it, but that could take months to get a ruling from a judge. That’s not a route I want to go, but it’s one I’ll take if I have to.
After getting Silk to back off and making sure everything on the alcohol order was delivered, I’ve left a Prospect to put it away while I head back to the clubhouse. I’ve got a few things I need to take care of before heading over to see Zane. And, Doc is gonna meet me at the clubhouse. I’ve already explained the situation a little bit to her and now we need to go over what has to be done. What I can do in my situation with Zane. Shane, our lawyer, called me back and made a few suggestions about what should be done moving forward. I’m going to do almost everything he suggested because it only protects Zane and myself. Not from Calla, just in general.
Parking at the clubhouse, it’s an almost completely empty parking lot. Most everyone is at work or doing something to get ready for Boxer and Makena to bring their daughter home. No, I still haven’t gone back to the hospital to see her. I’ll make the time once this shit in my life is straightened out and she’s home. The less time I have to spend in a hospital is better for me. Walking in the clubhouse after parking in my normal spot, I make my way to the kitchen. I haven’t eaten since last night because Sab called me at the ass crack of dawn and I fell back asleep until just before I had to leave to head over to the strip club for him. Now, I’m hungry as fuck and I’m not going to do anything until I’ve had something to eat and a cold drink.
