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“Those are good reasons. In my eyes, they’re the only reasons that matter. So, tell me why you don’t want to tell him.”
“Besides him getting upset and us having yet another fight where we both might say things we regret for the rest of our lives?” I asked.
“Yes. Besides that.”
“His mother is a big one.”
“His mother?”
“I know he wants to help his mother, and I know he wants a good relationship with her. Which means I know he’ll try to use Brody as a healing mechanism for her, and I don’t want Brody around her.”
“That’s—not actually something I considered. But I see your point.”
“I also don’t want to tell him for the same reason I didn’t want to tell him when I first found out I was pregnant. I don’t want to hold him back, Mom.”
“Why would you think a child would hold him back?” she asked.
“Because it held me back. Don’t get me wrong, my life is incredible now. I’ve got a business I can be proud of and a son I love more than life itself. But it stunted me in a lot of ways.
“He’s just getting a business off the ground. He’s going to be working insane hours. And then we throw fatherhood into the mix? Brody’s going to want Tyler around the second I tell him who Tyler is, and what if Tyler doesn’t have the time? What if he becomes that father who never makes it to football games or soccer games or can’t teach him how to do things or can’t spend weekends with us? In my eyes, Brody’s better off without someone like that in his life.”
“That’s assuming Tyler will be like that. Do you really think he’ll be that kind of father?”
“I don’t know. But it’s a risk I take in stepping over that line. It’s not something I can take back once it’s out.”
“Are there any other reasons?” my mother asked.
There was one, but I couldn’t talk about it. I couldn’t admit that one out loud just yet. I didn’t have all my ducks in a row and wasn’t done emotionally processing it.
“There are, but they’re complicated, and I don’t have the mental forethought to get into them yet,” I said.
“The good news is that you’re coming at this from a protective mother’s perspective. The bad news is that none of that overrides the right thing to do.”
“Mom—”
“They both deserve to know, sweetheart. I know that isn’t what you want to hear, and I know it’s going to be hard, but honestly? Nothing is harder than what you’ve already done. You took care of an infant, took weekend classes to further the business you opened all while raising a colicky and sick little boy. You did the hard part, Ana. There is absolutely nothing in this world that will be harder than what you’ve already done with your life.”
“I never thought I’d get Brody to sleep through the night,” I said, groaning.
“And now you can’t get him up in the mornings,” my mother said, giggling.
“One day I’ll cherish that. When I’m not working so hard at my business and can actually sleep past seven in the morning, I’ll really enjoy it. But right now? It sucks.”
“Ana, let me let you in on a little secret.”
“What’s that?”
“Motherhood always sucks.”
I laughed as I sipped my coffee and rocked next to my mother. I knew she was right. I knew Kristi was right. Tyler and Brody had a right to know about one another, especially with Brody now asking questions about what his father was like.
I felt myself giving in to the idea. I allowed myself to daydream sometimes about what it would be like to be a family together, to raise Brody with Tyler and experience the magic of the relationship they would cultivate with one another. But all of those cons and potential failures loomed heavily in the back of my mind, and worry bubbled up my throat again.
“What if Tyler doesn’t want to be a father, Mom?”
She stopped rocking and turned her head toward me as I finished my first cup of coffee for the morning.
“Then fuck him.”
“Mom!”
“Now, I’m serious, Ana. Tyler was a good boy in high school, and I don’t think he has it in him to pull something like that, but eight years changes a lot about someone. If you tell him about Brody and he looks at you and tells you it isn’t something he wants, then fuck him. Brody’s an amazing kid, and the only one losing out on it is Tyler. But, that brings up another point.”
“What’s that?” I asked.
“Tell Tyler before you tell Brody. If it goes worse than expected, you’ve still protected your son from the brunt of it,” she said.
“I’ll keep that in mind.”
“And, Ana?”
“Yeah, Mom?”
“No matter what happens, we’ll always be here. Your father and I will always be here for you and Brody. If Tyler doesn’t want to step up and be a father to him, your father will always fill that male-figure role. In fact, I think he’s enjoying it a little too much.”
