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Ihad a decision to make. As I watched her leave, all I could think about was the fact that I understood what she was thinking. And when she said that she didn’t need my help, I understood. I believed her. I realized as I took in her straight shoulders and back, brimming with confidence and guts, that she would like my input; it would make life better. However, she wasn’t going to demand it because this wasn’t why she had been intimate with me from the very beginning.
Although I’d considered every possible negative and positive about our time together, I'd never quite been able to shake off the feeling that perhaps some alternative and less-than-noble reason had been behind her involvement with me. And so now, I realized that I had more or less been waiting for the other shoe to drop, and indeed, now it had.
But to my surprise, I didn’t feel defensive or angry. Instead... it felt as though whatever had been holding me back, a rope of the resistance around my hands, had finally been cut loose. And now, I could make the decision I actually wanted to make.
The last two months had plagued me with the kind of emotional turmoil that firstly I never knew was possible andsecondly, I had completely failed in navigating. Yet I had refused to be impulsive so in the end I had remained in constant battle pushing my thoughts and memories about her to the back of my mind every time they popped up. I’d told myself that eventually I’d forget altogether but now, and after what she’d just told me, I allowed myself to admit that the last thing I ever wanted to do was forget.
Although a little while earlier, I had been planning to leave with Elena, now, as I returned to my table and saw her waiting, I decided to stay a little longer. I paid more attention to her family, her friends, and her parents; however, she was nowhere to be found. She had probably retreated and would most likely not be coming out again for the night. I was certain now that she had been prepared for me to give her nothing but wounds in regards to her news, and so had immediately retreated to lick them.
This made me sad, and more than anything, I wanted to send for her, to speak to her and to assure her that the outcome would most probably be good, but I didn't think she'd believe me. I believed me but I knew I’d need a bit of time to process and decide on the best way to proceed so eventually, I rose to my feet. After saying my goodbyes to Sophie and her family, I went on my way.
The ride home between me and Elena was quiet, but it was good because it gave me the time needed to think. When we were nearing the house, however, I turned and found her fast asleep with her mouth open. This made me smile as I watched her.
She had a blast, and that made me happy, but that was her personality. We had always been different in the sense that I found it very difficult to leave anything whatsoever to chance. I took risks but never really personal ones. But for the first time and with Scarlett, I wanted to take a chance.
I let this simmer in my heart and found with no surprise that after the initial surprise and dread had subsided, relief and excitement began to take its place. My blood began to hum through my body, and it was as though the turgid cold that had frozen me solid for as long as I could remember was beginning to melt. I felt alive and excited and couldn’t believe how with the simple bit of information she gave to me, everything had started to take on a whole new meaning, and I loved it.
It didn’t take me long to make a final decision, so the moment I got to the office the next day and on our way back from a meeting on a lower floor, I glanced at her sister walking by my side. They looked so alike, but now and in the light of my decision, I realized that I was more happy to have her working by my side like never before. Sure, the real thing wouldn’t be available, but the ability to look at a close copy was quite thrilling.
“What’s your sister up to?” I asked. I expected her to be startled, but I didn’t expect the question to take quite a few seconds before it hit. And the moment it did, she turned to me with a wary surprise on her face.
She stared at me as though she didn’t quite know how to respond, and I completely understood. She more than anyone else would be protective of her sister and twin.
“You don’t have to respond as my assistant,” I told her. “You can respond as her sister.”
“Hm… what would that entail exactly?” she asked softly with a smile.
“You can have her best interest at hand, not mine, when speaking,” I replied, and she made a soundless "ah" sound with her mouth. Regardless, it still took her until we arrived at the office for me to get a response.
“She just got a new job,” she told me. “At Denver and Rail. This was about a week ago, and she's still in law school, so same old, same old.”
I nodded at this and continued to my office.
Same old, same old indeed, but I needed to hear from her. I needed and wanted to hear every bit about her from her very mouth, so a little while later, I picked up my cell phone and headed over to the windows overlooking the city.
I couldn’t count the countless times I had stood by this window thinking about her, wanting to call her but employing all of my will to ensure that I didn't.
It wasn’t even that I was mad at her; it was the fact that I didn’t understand why I wasn’t.
I couldn’t trust my willingness to be with her, regardless, and so all I could do was deprive myself until a reason that I couldn’t turn away from came knocking.
Here it was, and the more I thought about it, the more gratitude I felt. I wanted to express this to her, but it was too soon, or perhaps it wasn’t.
I no longer felt certain of much and was open to almost everything, and it was exhilarating, to say the least. So when the call finally connected and her sweet voice reached through the receiver, I couldn’t help the warmth that spread all over my chest.
“It’s Lucien,” I greeted.
It took a few seconds, but eventually, she replied, and it made me realize just how nervous I was.
“I know,” she replied, and I nodded.
“I heard you’re working at Denver and Rail now,” I said.
“Yeah,” she replied, probably still wondering why I was calling her out of the blue.
“Personal assistant?” I asked.
“No,” she replied. “I think I’m over that for now, at least. I’m a paralegal.”
