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“I still love you, Lyds. I always will, and Audrey knows that. But my love for her is different. I love her as strongly and as deeply as you, but…” My voice trails off, trying to find the words to explain.
The cool metal of the ring warms in my hand as I tighten my grip and drop onto the edge of my bed.
“Our love was all-consuming, Lyds. You were the air that I breathed. My soulmate. And when you died, I was lost. A shell of the man I once was. I wanted to crawl into that hole and die right along with you, but I couldn’t. I had our little girl to take care of, a tiny piece of you that would remain by my side until I took my last breath.”
Tears stream down my cheeks as I clutch the ring tighter in my hand, placing it over my heart. The sadness of that time in my life swirls around me, threatening to pull me under, but I continue.
“I put one foot in front of the other for our little girl, giving her anything and everything she could want, while also closing myself off from the world. I went through the motions for those around me, appearing happy and thriving to stave off their concerns, but in reality, I was dead inside. My soul was missing, enveloping me in darkness. I was content to live like that for the rest of my life, holding on to the hope that I’d find you after my dying breath.”
Bitterness courses through my veins that fate could be so cruel. Lydia and I had planned to have a life together,to grow old together, but the universe had other plans. I had wanted to rage against the world and make anyone pay for the pain I was dealing with, but that wouldn’t change anything. I had a little girl to take care of. That was my life’s purpose from that moment forward. I didn’t have space in my life for love, companionship, or passion, so I closed off that part of myself, deciding that Jade was the only thing I needed in life… until I met Audrey and realized we both deserved more.
“But when Audrey arrived in town, her light shone into the recesses of my heart. The moment I saw her, it awoke my once-dormant heart. At first, I was afraid that even starting a relationship with her would mean I had to abandon my love for you, but I slowly realized there was room in my heart for both of you. Our love was all-consuming, but my love for Audrey is like a healing balm, filling that part of my heart that went missing when you died.”
I was caught completely off guard when I saw her sitting alone in Just the Drip a little over a month ago. I knew then that she was special, but I never could have imagined things turning out like this. That she would come to mean so much to me after only a month. It sounds insane, but I know deep in my heart that Audrey is it for me. She understands me in a way that no one else has in over a decade. She and Love soothe the ache that has remained in my heart since Lydia passed. Audrey has given me a companion, someone to love besides my daughter. Love has given Jade a best friend, the siblingshe’s always wanted. Neither of them will ever replace Lydia in our hearts, but they can help it ache a little less, giving us back the part of ourselves that was missing.
“Thank you for sending her here. To Jade and me. We need Audrey and her daughter, Love. Just like they need us,” I say with conviction as I push off the bed and stroll toward the door.
I haven’t worn my wedding ring since the night Audrey, Love, Jade, and I had dinner. It was the first time in years that it felt like it was weighing me down instead of keeping me anchored to this world. I debated for hours whether I should do it, but the moment I removed it from its resting place, I felt a sense of peace.
I pull open the top drawer of my dresser, reaching to grab the small red bag tucked under some socks in the corner. When Lydia was being wheeled into surgery, they made her take off all her jewelry, including her wedding and engagement rings. I knew that she’d want to give these to Jade when she was older, so I didn’t bury her with them.
“I’ll always love you, Lyds, but it’s time for me to look forward instead of backward,” I whisper as I place the ring into the small bag along with Lydia’s engagement and wedding rings and put it back into the drawer before pushing it shut. I stand there in silence for a few moments, my hand still resting on the drawer, and sigh loudly. The same sense of peace I felt when I removed my ring fills my heart, letting me know deep down in my soul that Lydia is okay with my decision to move on.
“Goodbye, Lyds,” I say with conviction as I turn toward the bathroom to hop into the shower.
My body moves on autopilot as I take a shower, wanting to see Audrey immediately. I told her I was falling in love with her last night, which probably scared her. But the need to be near her is almost unbearable. Although I know in my heart we’re meant to be together, she may still have some reservations. I just need to be patient with Audrey, giving her time to process all the big emotions I dropped into her lap last night. However, that’s much easier said than done.
I climb out of the shower and get dressed quickly. Audrey said she had to teach a class for Bristol this morning, but that doesn’t mean I can’t take her to lunch or something between classes. The girls are having a sleepover with Vance, so I doubt I’ll see either of them before noon. I need to find something to keep me occupied. Most men would plop down on the couch and watch some television, but I need to stay busy.
“I should eat something,” I mutter to myself as I head down the stairs and into the kitchen to make myself something to eat.
I grab some eggs and bacon out of the fridge and make myself a breakfast sandwich.
If things had gone according to plan, I’d be delivering this breakfast to Audrey in bed before having her for dessert, but there was something off when she left this morning.
While I eat, I replay in my mind everythingthat happened this morning like a movie reel. I focus on the tears I noticed pooling in her eyes as she said goodbye, the way her hands were shaking slightly when she placed them on my chest, and the break in her voice when she said goodbye. There was a tone of finality to our conversation that I didn’t notice until now. My heart aches in my chest at the thought of things ending between us.
“Everything is fine. Besides, she said she would call me later,” I mumble as I finish my breakfast and place the plate in the dishwasher. “Man, I really should clean this place up before the girls get home.”
Home.It seems like such a small thing to think, but this is our home. A place for our little family to grow closer to each other. Lydia and I bought this place together, but having Audrey and Love live here with us will finally make it feel like a home.
“Don’t get ahead of yourself, Connor.” I chuckle darkly as I head into the dining room.
It seems in my haste to show Audrey how loved and cherished she was, I left our dinner and plates on the table. I make quick work of clearing the table and loading the dishes into the dishwasher. While the dishwasher is running, I wipe down all the countertops in the kitchen before sweeping and mopping the floor. It doesn’t take long, but once I’m satisfied, I check my phone to make sure it’s charged. I’m not sure if I put it on the charger before Audrey and I got carried away last night.
Double-checking to see if it has a full charge, I head to my room to plug it in, just in case. Since I’m alreadyhere, I tackle my room. I grab all the dirty laundry splayed over the floor and pull the sheets off the bed. Audrey’s scent and memories of our night together come flying back into my mind.
What passed between us was real. It’s only natural she’s afraid to commit to another relationship so soon. The anger I felt last night at her confession about Ian bubbles under the surface as I pull in a deep breath. Ian should be shot for what he did to Audrey, Love, and his wife. No one deserves to be treated as if they could be easily discarded and replaced without a second thought.
I feel a pang in my heart at the idea of Audrey feeling that way. Is that why she ran away from me this morning? I’ve never hidden anything from her. Audrey knows I was married before and that I have no intention of replacing my dead wife with her. She has to know that my feelings are real, that she’s the only woman I can imagine loving.
Shoving all the laundry into the hamper, I pull out a fresh set of sheets from the linen closet and remake my bed. Once that’s finished, I take it one step further and dust every surface I can think of until it sparkles.
“The next time Audrey comes to visit, there won’t be a dust bunny in sight,” I say out loud. I check my phone again for any missed calls or messages.
“You aren’t a teenager anymore. If you want to talk to her, you should call her. There is no rule that says you can’t call her.” I should stop talking to myself, but I’m out of practice. I have no idea what the new rules are for dating someone, but I may just lose my mind if I keepgoing like this. Nothing says I have to sit here and wait for Audrey to call me.
It’s been a little over four hours since she left my house this morning. A perfectly reasonable amount of time to wait before calling to see how she is doing. Yoga classes only last an hour or so, and if she’s busy, I can just leave her a message.
