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Audrey was my chance at a new beginning. With that gone, what else is there to hope for? However, no matter what she decides, she and Love will be a part of our lives. No matter how badly it would hurt me to go back to the way things were, I’d do it for both of them. My happiness doesn’t matter as long as my girls are happy. Everything will be okay.
Chapter 17
Audrey
Idon’t know how I made it to the break room. The last thing I remember is the tiny bell over the door ringing, letting me know Connor had walked through it. I didn’t have to turn around to know it was him. I could feel his presence the moment he arrived. It was like a beacon calling me home. I was powerless to resist. I should have bolted for the break room and hid from him, but that would’ve solved nothing.
Instead, I broke both our hearts. I keep telling myself that it was for the best, that I escaped with most of my heart intact, but even I know I’m full of shit. I’m teetering on the edge of an abyss. With one tiny push in either direction, I could be overcome by soul-crushing sobs or numbness at any moment. I stare at the door to the break room, waiting for Connor to appear, but he doesn’t. Why would he after I told him to fuck off? Now, I’m left here alone to pick up the pieces of my broken heart, and I deserve it. I wanted to push him away before he could hurt me, and it worked, but now I’m anempty husk of the person I was before Connor and Jade came into my life.
“Things didn’t go as well as you planned, did it?” Bristol asks as she comes strolling into the break room, taking a seat in an empty chair across from me. I scoff, unable to put into words how badly my conversation with Connor went.
“Love and Jade will be done with their hip-hop class soon. Vance and Selina offered to take the girls for a while tonight.” Bristol reaches across the table, gripping my hand tightly. “Look at me, Audrey,” she coaxes, but my eyes remain focused on the table in front of me.
I don’t want to see the look of pity in her eyes that I know is there. I don’t deserve her pity. I deserve this pain, the constant reminder of what could have been if things were different. Too bad they aren’t. No matter how much my heart aches to be near Connor, I need to think about Love and what’s best for her. If things didn’t work out with Connor, we’d lose our newly formed family.
You’ve lost it anyway.I had hoped that we could go back to the way things were, but that’s not possible. There’s no way to stuff the all-encompassing love I felt—no, feel—for Connor.
“What happened, Audrey?”
I attempt to pull away, not ready to discuss what happened, but her grip tightens.
“I told him I didn’t want to be a replacement for Lydia.”
“You did what?” Bristol releases my hands, anger clear in her eyes. She takes a calming breath before speaking again. “How do you feel? Are you happy with the decision you made?”
“I feel like my heart has broken into a million pieces,” I whisper, clutching at my chest. “But it doesn’t matter how wrong this feels anymore.”
“Oh, that’s where you’re wrong, Audrey. Tell me how you feel about Connor.”
“I love him with all my heart.” I gasp in surprise as the realization of my feelings hits me in full force.
Bristol places her hand on top of mine. “Then why are you doing this? If two people love each other, they can be together.”
“But I asked my deck. I asked them if whatever this is between Connor and me would last, and it said no.”
“Is that really what the cards said, or is that just what you wanted them to say?”
“It’s not exactly what I asked, but it’s not possible for me to manipulate the cards like that.”
“Are you sure about that?” She pauses for a few seconds, waiting for me to rebut her statement, but when I don’t respond, she continues. “Audrey, you're scared. You’re afraid of being hurt by Connor. You’re afraid of getting between Love’s relationship with Jade. And most importantly, you’re afraid of being wrong again. Is it possible that the cards are wrong?”
The cards can be wrong, but they never have been.The problem is, I never listen. I’ve always been so focused on following my heart and my feelings that I don’t listen to what the universe tries to tell me. My mom knew I was pregnant from the cards. She probably knew what was going to happen when we told Trey about Love, but everything is up to interpretation. Is it possible that this time is different?
“I don’t know.” I hang my head in shame, voicing my true feelings for the first time. “I’m scared.”
“I know, hun, and it’s alright to be afraid. But you can’t let fear of the unknown stop you from seeing the beauty in the world.” Bristol places her hand gently on my shoulder. “Go home. Take a bath. Relax. Hell, ask the cards again just to make sure you read them right the first time. But no matter what you do, you need to decide in your heart what’s best for you. No one else can make you happy but you.”
I look into my friend’s eyes and see nothing but sympathy. Eager to get home and have some time to think, I ask, “Can you finish up by yourself?”
“Yes, now go home and take care of you. Vance and Selina will take care of Love.” She wraps me in a tight hug before pushing my bag in my direction. Taking the hint, I grab it from the table and head home.
It isn’t until I get home that I let myself think about my feelings for Connor. He’s been genuine with me about his feelings, never avoiding telling me about his relationship with Lydia and how much she meant to him. Even though he still wore his wedding ring, I know it wasmore of a reminder of the love he was looking for. But he cast it all aside for me, to show me how much I mean to him. I’ve always been the one to love quickly and deeply, but my heart always ends up broken.
With Trey, it was my desire to fit in. The need to feel like I could be myself and still be accepted by those around me. Trey gave me that sense of being with a few kind words and a little bit of special attention. I would have done anything for him. All he had to do was ask. And ask, he did. I willingly gave him the most precious gift, and he threw it back in my face.
With Ian, I was careful. After being hurt so many times in the past, I guarded my heart. He was also kind to me, showered me with love and attention, worming his way into my heart. When I introduced him to Love, she was skeptical, but I believed it was because she didn’t want to share me with someone else. She got on board after their second meeting, but I should’ve known then that something was wrong.
With both men, I was so desperate to be loved and accepted that I completely ignored how I felt when I was with them. In each relationship, I thought my feelings were the epitome of love, but they were nothing compared to my love for Connor.
