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I glanced over at him and winced before shooting Tian a shit look.
“No, he’s right, and I’m glad he said it to you,” James said firmly. He came over with our food and set it all down before taking my hand. “You haven’t much of a chance to experience something like this. I wanted you to have that cookout feel and get to see how people are adapting, chat with them and not have the pressure. Not be the princess but just Inez.”
I pulled away and reached for my plate. “I get it.”
But what to do about it?
19
James didn’t push while we ate, which I appreciated. Once we got situated for the movie with the pillows and blanket he had there, I felt something off. It made me antsy and like I was in trouble.
He huffed and sank down before bringing me with him and moving me to lie on his chest. He kissed my hair and rubbed my back. “Sorry, sexy bite. I was nervous and reverted to what was comfortable for me. I’m not a selfish partner. I just… It’s hard to know what to do a lot.”
I nodded, moving my hand to his chest and snuggling closer to let him know I understood and wasn’t upset. I meant it like that at least.
“Tell me what’s going on, sexy bite,” he whispered once the cartoon before the movie was playing.
I snuggled in closer. “Call me by my name first.” I swallowed a snort when he flinched. Yeah, all of the people around me kept not calling me my name since they learned I was born Viola. I wasn’t stupid. They were coming up with new pet names or saying other pretty endearments.
When some of them never had before. Super obvious, guys.
“It’s a tricky situation to know how to handle as people who care for you,” he said after several moments. “I think we’re all just trying to remind you that we do care for you, not who you were born of or anything else while you figure out how you feel. We don’t know how to help you until then.”
That was fair. It was nice of him—them even.
“Sometimes the quiet gets to me,” he mumbled. “I don’t know what to do, so I just fall into the behavior of chatting with people and…”
“Sorry you’re not comfortable with me yet.” It sounded so passive-aggressive to say, but I wasn’t sure how else to respond.
He flinched and his hand on my back paused. “What do you mean by that?”
I shrugged. “For me, it’s a level of comfort. I don’t feel the need to talk with someone I’m comfortable with. I can just be with them and enjoy their company.” I almost said how Vance and I could sit for hours and sort seeds or work on stuff and not say much of anything.
But even I wasn’t so socially inept that I would compare a man to his brother on a first date.
He kissed my hair and moved his hand over my back again. “Will you tell me what you’re feeling?”
“About my name?” I hedged.
“All of it. I’m worried about you. I want to help and I don’t know how. If nothing else, I can listen. Maybe help you figure out what you’re feeling.”
I hesitated but then mentally rolled my eyes at myself. I had wanted to talk about it earlier, so why was I being a baby about it now? Hadn’t I wanted someone to ask me what I was feeling?
But then I gave myself a pass. I was dealing with a lot.
“Can I tell friend James who helped me on the night of my wedding?” I hedged. “Maybe not date James when we keep having issues?”
He kissed my hair again. “Yeah, I hear you. Please, just let me help before you explode. I’m so scared you’ll explode again and I’m not even talking about your breakdown.”
I appreciated that. Really, I did. I told him everything about how I kept almost going to the dungeon. How I was so mixed inside about what to do and how I should feel. That I just didn’t want to deal with it, and I wanted to stop allowing drama to take over. I wanted to be harder to things, so it wasn’t this constant war inside of me over everything.
But I wasn’t angry anymore about losing my memories. I thought maybe I should be because the decision was taken from me, but I wasn’t. I didn’t want to remember after seeing what I did, and I wanted to be the Inez Garner that Aether had hoped for me to become. It felt so fucking crazy saying that about a Goddess and me, but… It was what I wanted.
And that fucked with my head.
He listened to me, both of us ignoring the movie and just… He was my understanding and helpful James that I could be honest with. It was exactly what I needed.
I talked until the movie was almost over, realizing that I was using this more as a therapy session and guilt settling in. “Sorry.”
