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“Why? I’m not upset at all,” he said gently, kissing my hair again as he had been while I talked. “Clearly, you needed to get that all out, Inez, and—”
I leaned up and kissed him. He heard me enough to know that I liked my name now, not caring what that crazy woman wanted my name to be.
He turned us so I was on my back and he was mostly over me, cupping my face and slowly kissing my skin. “Inez, Inez, Inez. My Inez. My perfect, beautiful, and kind Inez.” James slowly raised his head. “Don’t harden yourself. I know that’s easy to say about something super complicated, but your kindness is why we’re all pushing so hard and getting so much done.
“The moment you harden yourself, the rest starts to unravel. I saw it all of the time. I felt it as the boss. It was like apathy and not caring about everything slowly crept into every part of me. I had nightmares about eventually turning to stone. And you saved me from that. You’ve saved a lot of us from that and turning into something we don’t want to be.”
I nodded, letting out a long breath. “You’re right that it’s not easy to—I get it, but implementing that is—I hurt all of the time. I hurt so much and I just feel cold. I feel cold in the hot shower like it’s cold water and there’s snow in my boots. It’s too hard.”
Tears filled his eyes and he gave me a soft kiss. “I know. I know it is and it’s too much to ask. But I have faith in you, Inez. So does Aether.” He gave me another kiss. “Let’s go have some brownies and pie we can warm up. I heard Nick was playing with some ideas, and I bet there are a lot in the kitchen.”
“We didn’t watch the movie. It’s not even over. I messed up your date and—”
“Inez, we can do this a million times. It was a hit, and I think they’re going to try and do this every Friday night. You’re in crisis. Fuck the movie and let’s go eat too much sugar and snuggle.”
That sounded perfect. The only thing I changed was that I wanted whatever special ice cream he’d ordered for us.
We didn’t go out to the terrace of the castle by the fire pit, but he settled us in the courtyard by my tree. That seemed on purpose, but I didn’t say anything as we sat with our huge bowls of ice cream.
He obviously knew what was on my mind though, shrugging when I shot him another glance. “The trees in covens—most shifters thought they were myths. I mean, that they were trees of life or whatever, even if they had a chance to see the tree of a coven and that the trees were old. Most of us had never been inside of a coven.”
“So you like it?” I hedged, wondering how that was the answer to why we were sitting there.
He frowned as he looked at me. “You don’t feel the peace of it? It’s like a calming on my soul when I’m near it.”
“I’m still always stuck on how that tree first grew,” I drawled. “How it keeps growing. I’m nowhere near able to just appreciate the pretty tree or what it stands for. I’m always thinking about it being some sort of parasite that lives off my damn blood.”
“Yeah, I didn’t think about that, just how cool it was that you could do it.” He cleared his throat and focused back on the tree. “How fucking sexy you were and how hard you made me the entire time. Both times.”
“Perv,” I chuckled, glad when he smiled and accepted that. We quietly ate our ice cream for several minutes, enjoying the night and the company.
“My mom used to say that no one was a mind reader, not even the gods. That if there was something we wanted or were struggling with, no one could help us if we didn’t help ourselves enough to say what we needed. She was a very open and honest woman and many respected her for that. And even my sexist father didn’t agree with women being quiet or unopinionated.
“He ignored her too much and I hated him a lot for that, but the moment Mom was quiet, we knew the shit was really hitting the fan. But what she said always stayed with me, and even if I’m an extrovert and too loud most times, saying what is on my mind or I need is really fucking hard. I do agree with her though. I took that teaching to heart.”
“It’s a good teaching, but after being honest like that so many times and not being heard…” I shook my head.
“Yeah, I get that,” he muttered. “My dad used to ignore so much and tell me men shouldn’t—I get it. I will say a lot of it is the apocalypse and how close we’ve come to failing. Not just the attacks or things with your coven, but all the years before. I think we’re all on such high alert and constant adrenaline rushes or fear that it’s hard to hear others.”
I nodded, feeling that a lot. It always seemed like my shit, and I didn’t have the energy to check on my friends or help them.
Granted, I was the boss of the coven, too young, and too much on my shoulders. But still... I understood what James was saying.
But there was one person who had always listened to me. Well, not a person per se. It seemed too crazy. However, I knew humans did it to their god and it didn’t hurt to ask, right?
What exactly did I want though?
I finished my ice cream and set down the bowl before going over to the tree and slicing my hand. I knelt down and put my palm on the tree, releasing power into it even if I wasn’t on my period. It felt right to give to what Aether wanted if I was going to ask more from Her.
I don’t want to remember, Aether. Maybe one day, but right now, I cannot handle it. I know you worried about that as well and you were right to. I thank you for giving me the way to unlock my memories when I’m ready, and I’m sorry I was so horrible about having them taken away. Thank you for protecting me.
And I don’t want to—please don’t judge me for how this ends. I know you had me born of that woman, related to that man, but they’re not my family. My family are the others you have brought into my life since and I have found on my own. Those are the ones I want to be my family.
Please give me the permission I need that this is the right path. I took out Kaitlin as you wanted. We’re killing more of Erebus’s soldiers and feeding as many of your children as we can. I’m your loyal champion.
I spoke to Her some more, hoping She had the time to really hear me as if this was a conversation. I felt better after I prayed on it. I was about to leave and then I realized there was something else I wanted to ask for.
She seemed at a loss to know how to help us fight Keres and be… Mean? Almost like She didn’t know how to hurt which could be a huge help.
