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Although she still considered him a confidante, still spoke her mind about all kinds of matters, what she said out loud almost never veered into personal territory. The only thing they shared between them that could be considered remotely personal was their son. And even then, she distanced her reference to Thutmose, never openly referring to the child as “theirs.”
Which was why he’d been shocked when she declared him a free man before the court without preparing him for this in any way. From the ephemeral look on her face, it seemed as if she’d expected him to leave her right there and then.
He almost wished they could return to the way they were. When she was the Princess, and he was her slave.
Almost.
Despite the inequity of their positionsbefore, she seemed to consider himhers. And being hers, she freely shared her private thoughts, curiosities, fears and ambitions. As if she’d been confiding in herself, in a way.
Now, though he had no doubt he was her closest confidante, the one she trusted above all others, she no longer shared her unguarded self.
Perhaps he had only himself to blame for it.
After all, he told her clearly that night that their intimacies were only a unique occurrence, for a unique purpose. Perhaps she no longer felt comfortable revealing her private thoughts and sharing her private self with a man who set such boundaries.
He did not know how to support and comfort her as he used to without baring his heart and soul. But he ached every moment of every day to see her so alone in her lofty position, isolated from everyone else, even him.
Presently, she stared long and hard into his eyes, searching for any sliver of doubt, any threat he might be hiding from her knowledge. When she saw none, she visibly deflated with relief, her stiff shoulders drooping with a heavy sigh.
“I wish Thutmose could be here with us, in this chamber,” she whispered. “I wish the three of us could always be together like you and I are.”
“It is not safe,” he said quietly.
This was a conversation they’d had more than once.
“If anything were to happen to both of you at once… the kingdom would be thrown into chaos.”
I would never forgive myself, Shai thought.Blood and violence would rain upon this world as I tear it apart with my bare hands and teeth to avenge you.
“It is the way of Pharaohs, is it not?” he reminded her. “The king cannot be coddled in a mother’s embrace or hide behind her skirts. He must learn independence and strength from the very first day.”
She nodded glumly, sitting down upon her platform bed.
“He is still so little,” she murmured.
“And yet he sits a horse like a born warrior,” Shai said proudly. “He is taking to all of his lessons very well.”
She smiled faintly.
“It was so much easier being a girl child. I was pampered and coddled, and while I didn’t hide behind my mother’s skirts, I was often tucked within Papa’s arms or rocked upon his lap. Even in public. Even when he held court.”
With a touch of the old Heba in her eyes, she looked up at him and said, “At least the prince has the mightiest warrior in all the kingdom as his role model and guide. I admit I am jealous of the time you spend with my son in your position as his trainer.”
As always, she still watched him train, whether with his men or with her son. But she could only maintain the usual distance, never showing too much interest or concern.
He understood why she did it. Just as she always kept him at arm’s length even when they’d been closerbefore. There were spies everywhere. Any favoritism would be used against her and targeted.
In fact, she let the rumors circulate thatshewas the one behind the attempted assassinations of her own son. Both to build an air of formidability about her, and to show others that hurting Thutmose would not hurt her, for she was not above hurting him herself.
At the same time, he knew deep down, instinctively, that the distance between them was borne of much more than her desire to protect him. Over the last three years, she seemed to have built walls around her heart that had never been there before.
Perhaps he had as well.
For the intimacies they shared… he carried those wounds still. And was reminded of them every day when he looked upon the woman he could never have and the son he could never claim.
~ * ~* ~ *~ * ~* ~ *~ * ~
Heba listened to the familiar sounds of Shai undressing for bed, starting with the removal of the weapons he always wore on his person.
